Aug 30, 2008

Gone Fishin'

Forgot to mentioin I'd be away this weekend. Hope you didn't think I died in a horrible fire, with my pants around my ankles.

Be back late Monday to discuss the idiocy of picking Sarah Palin.

What a fucking idiot.

Aug 28, 2008

One Picture is Worth a Thousand Tears


Holy Fuck. Learn how to wink, creep.

May Everyone At Lionsgate Suffer in the Fires of Hell

Lionsgate has come up with an awesome way to celebrate the anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. The geniuses decided to release "Disaster Movie" on August 29th.



Too bad all the people who died during the hurricane won't be able to see this hilarious spoof of disaster flicks. Bummer for them. It's already a crime against humanity to make these types of movies, let alone release them on the day of the worst natural disaster in modern US history. Good work, douchebags.

Thank You Jesus


It looks like Mitt Romney is going to be McCain's VP. We have learned this the same way we learned about Joe Biden, by watching the Secret Service.
If security sweeps are the giveaway, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney may be on the brink of being selected as Sen. John McCain’s (R-Ariz.) vice presidential running mate.

According to sources with strong Michigan ties, the Secret Service has conducted a security sweep of the home of Romney’s sister. Romney was raised in Michigan, where his father served as governor.

Watching that idiot bumbling along for two months would be pretty glorious.

And The Embarassment Train Rolls On



So, he was a POW? Wow. Who knew?

More Subliminal Awesomeness From McCain

McCain's latest ad...hey, do you notice a word spelled out in the crowd?


I'm sure it was just another of the Republicans many "mistakes."

Protesters Ready For Some Serious Violence.



That's right. Get ready for that tear gas, you rebel. And put on some nice high heels, just in case you meet a fella during the chaos.

More pics at Scholars and Rogues.

Romney Takes A Dip In Lake Stupid

This one is priceless.

"I think growing up as a military brat, traveling around as a soldier and even being homeless for five years, in a prison, the notion that he is somehow above the American people is going to fall flat. Voters recognize a man who is very much in touch with American values, American citizens," Romney said.

Now being a POW means you were "homeless." Thanks for the clarity, rich guy douchebag.

Aug 27, 2008

Did They Kiss Or Didn't They?

That's the big question.


Tune in tomorrow to find out!

John Kerry Creates A Second Asshole For McCain

Wow, this is brutal.

"Candidate McCain now supports the wartime tax cuts that Senator McCain once denounced as immoral. Candidate McCain criticizes Senator McCain's own climate change bill. Candidate McCain says he would not vote against the immigration bill John McCain wrote. Are you kidding? Talk about being for it before being against it! Before he ever debates Barack Obama, John McCain should finish the debate with himself."

Nicely done, loser.

But, it's Wednesdy. The convention started on Monday. That's when these type of attacs should have begun. The Democrats had to waste two days saving Michelle Obama's reputation and holding the party together with a Hillary feel good session. They wasted two days not going after McCain. The Republicans will start tearing Obama apart on day one.

Typical pathetic Democratic performance. It's like watching a clown car, but the clowns never stop coming...

Chris Mathews Needs A Nap

Seriously get some sleep.



Cranky pants.

Shockingly Racist Obama Email

Here's an email that was forwarded to me. It's one of the many heinous emails making their way around the web. I included the sender and forwarder because they are obviously scumbags and deserve no anonymity.

From: James Moushegian [moushegian@sbcglobal.net]
Sent: Wednesday, August 27, 2008 12:22 PM

Begin forwarded message:
> From: "Marv -eVetsites" <marv@evetsites.com>
> Date: August 27, 2008 9:18:31 AM PDT


> Subject: OBAMA'S FAMILY MEMBERS ALREADY ON THEIR WAY TO VISIT WHITEHOUSE...


Ha ha. Get it? He's black. Really makes you proud to be an American, huh?

Who Let Uncle Drinky in?



That was either the governor of Montana at the Democratic National Convention last night, or a drunk guy who said, "Lemmie do it!" Either way, shockingly pathetic.

Watching Obama Blow It In Slow Motion

Are you ready for one of the biggest mistakes in this political race? I actually think it may be THE biggest political mistake in a long, long time. And it's so fucking obvious.

Tomorrow, Obama will speak in Denver at Invesco Field in front of 80,000 people. What a complete and total idiot. This can, and will, be spun in such a negative fashion it will be amazing. When one thinks of leaders giving speeches in front of large, adoring crowds, only one name comes to mind: Hitler. It will be unnerving for many people. And even if Hitler is never brought up, Obama has been damaged by McCain's "celebrity" ads. The polls are in and the results are clear; people are put off by the Obama "celebrity" label. So, what could be better than to have a massive and slightly disturbing rally?

Oh, and to top it off.
Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama's big speech on Thursday night will be delivered from an elaborate columned stage resembling a miniature Greek temple.

This is the beginning of the end for Barack Obama. He's just giving the media too much ammo. This is epic fail time, like Dukakis in the tank and Howard Dean screaming.

The election will be lost tomorrow.

Aug 26, 2008

Bitter, Bitter, Bitter

Oh, you cancerous old fuck.
Hillary Clinton will be on hand for Barack Obama's acceptance speech, but according to a source close to former President Bill Clinton, he will not: the source tells CNN that Clinton will not join his wife at Invesco Field Thursday night.

Let it go.

Hillside Speaks For Jesus

An entire hillside near Denver is speaking for the Lord Jesus Christ.


Word.

John McCain Was A POW

Who knew? He explained on Leno last night.
LENO: “For a million dollars, how many houses do you have?”

SEN. McCAIN: “Could I just mention to you, Jay, that, at a moment of seriousness. I spent five-and-a-half years in a prison cell,” McCain said. “I didn’t have a house. I didn’t have a kitchen table. I didn’t have a table. I didn’t have a chair. And I didn’t spend those five-and-a-half years because, not because I wanted to get a house when I got out.”

Uh, anyway, how many houses do you own? It actually seems worse that you once had nothing and now live a life of gluttony.

Two Yolks!


Today, when I made breakfast, I had two yolks in one egg.

That makes me some sort of God, according to the rules.

Or at least the some kind of new Santa Claus. But I really don't want to take on that kind of job.

McCain Tries To Get Wife Killed


I'm not sure there's any other way to interpret this story. John McCain is attempting to lose his wife to death by sending her into a war zone.
Cindy McCain, wife of Sen. John McCain, is headed to the Republic of Georgia, where tensions between the government and Russia have sparked international concern and have become an issue on the presidential campaign trail.

Um. What the fuck? I know the best way to show your wife how much you love her is to send her to a war zone. My wife is going to Kashmir later this year.

McCain spokeswoman Jill Hazelbaker confirmed Cindy McCain is enroute to the nation and said she is visiting as part of the World Food Program. She said she will meet with Georgian President Mikheil Saakashvili and visit with wounded Georgian soldiers.


Man, that will be awesome for them. Imagine sitting in your hospital bed in Georgia, with your leg stump healing, when some rich American woman you've never heard of saunters in, her gems glittering and her creepy, tight plastic surgery face smiling, and says "hello." How awesome would that be? It's like a blessing from the baby Jesus!

File under: Self important, inappropriate douchebaggery.

Diebold: Oh, Yeah, Our Shit Doesn't Actually Work

Diebold came clean the other day, when they admitted their voting machines are giant, steaming turds designed to throw elections.
Diebold has admitted that their tabulator software, known as GEMS, and used all across the country, in at least 34 states, does not count votes correctly.

Whatever. I mean, their only function is to count votes, so that's not too bad, right
It actually loses votes, by not counting them at all, yet gives the system administrator no indication that the votes were not counted. Instead, it tells them that all votes have been counted correctly. This bug has been in Diebold's software --- where it remains to this day-- for years.

Luckily for America, Lou Dobbs is on the case, which means this will be blamed on Mexicans.

Sorry, Mexicans!

Biden Was Cool in the 70s

Joe Biden, riding the God damn train in the 70s.



How could you not vote for this guy? I don't give a shit what he did after this picture was taken, he should me made emperor.

Aug 25, 2008

Dumbest Asshole on the Face of the Earth Surfaces

Debra Bartoshevich is going to vote against everything she believes in!



You go girl!

What a retard!

Majority Leader of the Utah Senate Now Understands Blogging

A young pizza delivery girl brought three pies to a house in Utah. The house happened to be owned by the Utah Senate Majority Leader. And he was quite the dick, so the young delivery girl wrote about the experience on her blog.
"Look, I'm the majority leader of the state senate, I've lived in this house for 30 years, and I've never bounced a check." He's gruff. I am uncomfortable, my eyes pleading, but I say nothing. "Do you know what that means? I'm a public figure. If I bounced a check, it would be all over the papers. I'd lose my reputation!"

On and on it went. He acts like quite the dick. It's really a great read and it's what makes blogs enjoyable.

New Bestest Candidate Nominee


While many of you are considering Barack Obama or John McCain for president, I'd like to offer an alternative: Lee L. Mercer Jr. He's from Texas, has a military background and knows exactly what he wants to do when he gets into office.
Once, I am elected to the office of President of the United States of America the thing I am going to do for the people is regulate the office of the President of the United States of America right and not wrong.

Damn fucking right. Lee L. Mercer Jr. does have some negatives...

On August 22, 1992, The State of Texas installed an intelligence hotwire in me at the United States Army Military Intelligence Academy Camp Bullis San Antonio, Texas.

If played right, he could use that as a fight against big government. He's also a doctor.
I have a doctor degree Phd. as a doctor of laws, medicine ( not practitioner of medicine, i.e. physicians, surgeons), theology, management, engineering and other subjects that are guaranteed by the United States Army in ROTC to be presented to me in a court of Law only.

I will receive my doctor degrees in a court of law only. My final graduation will be in a United States of America’s Court which was ordered by my second ROTC Board and Staff Janet Reno former U.S. Attorney General, former Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army and Secretary Of State of The United States General Colin Powell, Sr. and former Secretary of The United States Army Togo West. They will be joining me circumstantially later.

And he has a great platform.
The United States Government must regulate government sleepers and government regulations authorized thought, ideas, acts, actions, rights, wrongs, controversies, facts, issues and circumstantial evidence through intelligence research, law research, law enforcement research and criminal law research implementing ROTC communications research innovating education national and international.

Please vote Mercer in November.

Aug 24, 2008

McCain Love Session With Media

In case you hadn't noticed, John McCain was been getting the kid glove treatment from the press. Press coverage of McCain has been 43% negative, while press coverage of Obama has been 75% negative. Is it because McCain is a "Maverick?" Is it because he's a "War hero?" Is it because he's older than dust? No. It's because Johnny and the media love each other. Just a few months ago, he invited members of the press up to his ranch for a BBQ! And the press went, because they have no journalistic ethics! Weeee



At some point they've got to go after the old fuck, right? Right? Hello?

Alleged Rapist Wins!

It's exciting. Hold your head up high, as this man who was never acquitted of rape won a gold medal! Yay!


I wonder how the rape victim feels? Pride? Awesome? Too bad she was vilified and refused to take the stand. Oh, well, Kobe won a gold medal! Go hero!

Fox Reporter Goes To Wrong Place

Fox News reporters seem to be under the delusion that they are not part of the Republican Party. One such reporter waded into a Denver protest march today and found out what the people think of Fox. The fun starts a couple minutes in.



Yes, reporter guy, it's about freedom. What a reportard.

Conservatives Waiting For A More Hitlery Candidate

A conservative group called the Conservative Exodus Project has started a petition so people can declare their dislike of McCain. Apparently he's not conservative enough. Seriously. Mr. "no abortions for rape or incest" and "let's attack Iran" isn't conservative enough. They apparently would like a gentleman who is more like Hitler.
The Conservative Exodus Project has released another petition.

The Conservative Exodus Project is a group of traditionalist conservatives who, realizing that the GOP is moving too leftward, started a petition on March 3, 2007 to encourage conservatives to leave the GOP if a suitable presidential candidate is not chosen in 2008.

Anyone who thinks the GOP is moving too far leftward is either retarded or deluded. Republicans have become storm troopers. But, by all means, don't vote for McCain because he's a libural.

Aug 23, 2008

Please Don't Kick The Ref In The Face

Cuba's Angel Matos does not like losing and he does not seem to understand good sportsmanship.
Cuba's Angel Matos deliberately kicked a referee square in the face after he was disqualified in a bronze-medal match, prompting the World Taekwondo Federation to recommend Matos be banned for life.

"We didn't expect anything like what you have witnessed to occur," said WTF secretary general Yang Jin-suk. "I am at a loss for words."


Obviously, he picked up some of his "skills" from his coach.

Matos' coach was unapologetic.

"He was too strict," Leudis Gonzalez said, referring to the decision to disqualify Matos. Afterward, he charged the match was fixed, accusing the Kazakhs of offering him money.

Matos went down after being hit by his opponent. In kick boxing, you must get up within a minute or you will be disqualified. Matos did not get up in time. Although, he did get up in time to kick the ref in the face.

It's Biden!

Yay! Put on your party hats!



Oh no!

Aug 22, 2008

Victoria Jackson Is A Fucking Lunatic


Some of you may not know that Victoria Jackson is and has been a religious nut for quite some time. And she blogs! How awesome is that. Today she wrote an entry about why we should not vote for Obama. It brings up many good points, but leaves out the stuff about Obama riding dragons.
Whoever Obama's paying to help him appear to be a Christian, to win the Evangelical vote...is doing a terrible job. He should ask me for a few pointers. First of all, "obscure reference in Romans" is a dead give away that he's never cracked a Bible. "Evangelicals" love Romans. They have it practically memorized. -"obscure reference in Zephaniah" might have been more appropriate. And, Obama, when you say things like, "Sin is...being out of alignment with my values." That is a blaring siren of Biblical ignorance. The Bible says, "Sin is being out of alignment with God's values." That's like the number one lesson in every book of the Bible. You really need some help. Your statements are New Age, relativist, & humanist. Basically, they are textbook comments that go back to the first sin in the Garden of Eden, when the serpent lied and told Adam and Eve that they could be equal with God. (Read the book "When the World Will Be As One") "New Age" is the oldest false religion. It is a lie. And as for your "church" or Rev. Wright, Evangelicals think it's a sad cartoon. Obama, call me. I'll explain Christianity to you.

Hey, Victoria, call me. I'll explain creepy to you.

She goes on with a couple of Bible quotes, blah, blah, blah, then gets right to the point
I don't want a political label, but Obama bears traits that resemble the anti- Christ and I'm scared to death that un- educated people will ignorantly vote him into office. My mom likes him because his children are well dressed!

Heyooooo! Victoria, you really should look up the word "Irony" if you are going to toss around "Uneducated." And it's one word, no hyphen needed. They put that shit in the dictionary. Also, I think it's weird you just threw your Mom under the bus. You just called her ignorant and uneducated. That's mighty Christian of you.
You see, what bothers me most, besides that he is a Communist, and a whitey- hater, (although he is half white), is that he is a LIAR.

Um, citation? I mean, who said he was half white?
He pretends to be a Christian and he incriminates himself everytime he speaks about Christianity. To lie about being a believer in Christ is very dangerous. Lightning could strike him at any minute!

Right. Or, the old wizard who lives in the tree could make a potion that will make him see the light and he will lead us on his unicorn to eternal freedom!
I know my stance might keep me from LA jobs,

No, that would be your lack of talent. Were you under the impression you had been working a lot before this post? The high voice, cute thing doesn't work too well for middle-aged women. As a matter of fact, it's now a disturbing quality.
...since (almost) the whole town is liberal but, some time in a man's life, or a bleach blonde 49 year old woman's life, one must stand for what they believe in, and put truth before popularity.

Ha ha! A joke! I think. Sadly, your idea of the truth is shockingly medieval. You are centuries behind. Try to catch up.
I pray that our country will have a revival, and that God will forgive us for our rejection of Him. He blessed our country because we worshipped Him. But, now our public places have kicked him out, and subsequently, (or coincidentally?), our nation is being attacked by our enemies.

Seriously, take a fucking foreign policy class. We were attacked for our idiotic ventures, sweety. When you read just the one book you fall behind a bit.

She goes on with some quotes and explains how Obama will die because God will smite him, or some shit. She is an amazing tool. (Yes, the devil made me write that Victoria)

PETA Wants To Make Sea World Horrible

Hey, here's an idea. Buy Sea World and get rid of all the animals. Does that mean Sea World would be closed? Not if you're a complete moron.
Forget about freeing just Willy. An animal-rights group says a supporter wants to buy one or more SeaWorlds from the theme parks' soon-to-be new owner so it can free all the animals, even killer whales.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals says an undisclosed donor wants to buy at least one SeaWorld park, then free the animals and replace them with virtual-reality or animatronic displays.

Hey kids, do you want to go to Sea World and see a animatronic dolphin? Just like the kind that swim around in the ocean, but totally fake? No?

This is why God created the word PETARDS.

Free The Cock Rings!


It was recently revealed that border agents can take laptops when you enter the country. And that was just fine. I mean, all that is on my laptop is tons of personal information and my work. But now they are going too far.

Penis enlargers and constricting rings to maintain erections can be seized at U.S. borders, U.S. regulators said Thursday, citing inadequate safety labels.

If you could see me right now, you would see steam coming out of my ears. America was founded on cock rings, you assholes! Thomas Jefferson wore a cock ring when he signed the Declaration of Independence.

Here's a list of what we can't bring in.
# Mechanical stretching devices, which "employ weights or lines tied to other parts of the body such as the knee, to affect tension on the penis.

# Vacuum operating devices, "those employing a sealing principle in the area of the base of the penis and an evacuation mechanism to drop the atmospheric pressure around the penis, thereby affecting increased blood flow."

# Constrictive rings, which "constrict the base of the penis after erection has been achieved and cause the erection to be maintained by blocking the normal circulation of blood from the penis."

# Supportive devices, which "function as a splint or cradle in order to maintain a resemblance of turgidity."

Question: What if I'm wearing my cock ring at the time? Yeah, I bet you didn't think of that, did you?

I Am Really Enjoying This

I don't think I've ever seen a presidential candidate say something so stupid. It's the gift that keeps giving.

Here's Obama's second ad on the house gaffe.

McCain Also Doesn't Know What Kind of Car He Drives

It's a wonder he can put on his clothes and go outside. Last December he was asked what find of car he drives, and like most of us, he had no idea.
Like any limousine liberal, McCain prefers the symbolic gesture to walking the walk. In our News interview, he was asked what kind of car he drove. He didn’t know and had to ask a nearby aide. “A Cadillac CTS,” she told him. But then the senator was quick to point out that he had bought his daughter a Prius — the prefect halo symbol for his green pretensions.

Um. Go away. Now. Please. Thanks.

Pigeon Finally Taken Down


It takes hours of investigative work to take down a pigeon operation.

The pigeon was a pet of one of the inmates. When he and three other prisoners in jail tested positive for heroin, disciplinary proceedings were launched.

It is thought that the drugs were stuffed into tiny bags and attached to the pigeon's legs.

"We suspect that the pigeon carried the drugs from Tuzla", a town around 70 kilometres more than 40 miles northeast of Zenica in central Bosnia, added Pojavnik.

Fine, the prisoners have been punished. But what about the brains of the operation?
The pigeon is now in custody while police investigate who might have loaded it with drugs.

"We do not know what to do with the pigeon, but for the time being it will remain behind bars," Pojavnik said.


Throw away the key! Pigeons who break the law shouldn't be treated any differently than a man, pig or donkey that breaks the law.

Headbutt

You know that scene in bad movies, where some guy is trying to get laid, but he doesn't know what he's doing and he head butts the girl? Hard?

Turns out, not so far fetched. I call that 2:30 pm yesterday. And the wife and I have had sex before, so it wasn't a first time thing.

But now she'll always be a little nervous whenever we get going, which is how I like it.

Aug 21, 2008

McCain Only Had One House When He Was In 'Nam, Bitch

So, looks like the McCain campaign has a response to his not knowing how many houses he owns.
"This is a guy who lived in one house for five and a half years -- in prison," spokesman Brian Rogers told the Washington Post.

BOOM! KA-FUCKING-POW! BLAM! BOFF!

Take that you non-POW liberal fuck. John McCain doesn't have to know how many houses he owns, because he was in a Vietcong prison for five and a half years. As a matter of fact, McCain doesn't even have to know what his wife's name is, or the laws of our country, hell, McCain can rape every dog in America if he wants - because he was a fucking POW, you hippie.

McCain Don't Know How Many Houses He Got: The Ad

Well, it didn't take long for Obama to make an ad containing McCain's massive "how many houses I got?" blunder.



I now believe the Obama campaign has just been waiting for McCain to blow it. Obviously it was always a matter of time.

Good luck recovering from this one, Old Man.

It's Hard To Keep Track Of Your Houses

McCain can't remember how many houses he owns.
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) said in an interview Wednesday that he was uncertain how many houses he and his wife, Cindy, own.

"I think — I'll have my staff get to you," McCain told Politico in Las Cruces, N.M. "It's condominiums where — I'll have them get to you."

Uh, you're either going senile or you're horribly rich. Please choose. Wait, it could also be both.

PS: The answer is 10.

Aug 20, 2008

Zombie Alert Over. Stand Down

Well, we dodged a bullet here. Representative Stephanie Tubbs Jones died this afternoon, after her brain attacked her.

Democratic U.S. Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, the first black woman to represent Ohio in Congress and a strong critic of the Iraq war, died Wednesday after having a brain hemorrhage, a Cleveland Clinic official said.


Bummer. She was apparently a good lawmaker.

Now she is a member of the Dead Guy Party, which is shitloads better than being a member of the Zombie Party. I'm still suspicious of the "official story" and will not rule out that there was some sort of zombie situation. Cover up!

Rush Limbaugh Opens Mouth. Result Not Surprising

Rush opened his giant racism hole today and blathered more nonsense.



It is striking how unqualified Obama is and, and how this whole thing came about with, within the Democrat Party. I think it really goes back to the fact that nobody had the guts to stand up and say no to a black guy.

"I think this is a classic illustration here where affirmative action has reared its ugly head against them.

First up, it's the Democratic Party. I know you're trying to upset Democrats, but you just sound uneducated. Second, affirmative action is not applicable.
A policy or a program that seeks to redress past discrimination through active measures to ensure equal opportunity, as in education and employment.

He won a primary race against several other people, which had little to nothing to do with his skin color. Third, a shitload of people stood up and said "no" to Obama, or did you miss the West Virginia primary? Fourth, you're deaf from your drug addiction. That makes me laugh. Fifth, you were stopped at the Miami airport on the way back from Puerto Rico for drug possession, which turned out to be a bottle full of Viagra pills. You were only with the producer of 24, which means, you either banged his sweet ass for a few days, or you were there on a hooker binge. Sixth, you have been divorced 4 times because you are a horrible monster. Seventh, do black people ever achieve anything on their own in your world? I mean the world of fat, hooker banging, four time divorced, drug addicts...

Christian Makes Horrible Cartoon

Political cartoonist Glenn McCoy drew a beauty today.



Ha ha! Hilarious! It's a dumpster full of dead fetuses (yes, that is how they dispose of them - duh) and Obama is making sure the little aborteds are dead by hitting them with a baseball bat. Now that is comedy.

Keep up the good work, McCoy!

I'm going to grab some lunch.

Possible Zombie Situation


I don't know what the fuck is going on in Ohio, but I'll try to stay on top of this. Representative Stephanie Tubbs Jones had a brain aneurysm today and died.
U.S. Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, the first African-American woman to represent Ohio in Congress, has died after suffering a brain aneurysm, said sources familiar with the situation.

She was removed from life support at 12:19 p.m. at Huron Road Hospital, the sources said.

Sad news. Or is it scary news? Now she's "not dead."
"She remains in critical condition at present in our intensive care unit. Our thoughts and prayers are with her family at this very difficult time," he said.

Earlier reports had said Tubbs Jones had died.

Um. Zombie. Hello? Anybody have a helicopter and a remote Army base?

WaMu

Washington Mutual will fail this year.

Big bank death.

You heard it hear first.

Dead Gay Couple Breaks Up

The Vatican has decided to split up an awesome gay dead couple. John Henry Newman was a British Cardinal during the Victorian era. Father Ambrose St. John was his "close friend."
"There is little doubt that Newman and St John were gay and had a loving, long-term same sex relationship. It is impossible to know whether this relationship involved sex. It is conceivable that both men had a gay orientation but chose to abstain from sex. Abstinence does not alter a person's sexual orientation."

I guess. If you want to go with the horrible, boring version of the story. In my version, they banged each other to sleep every night, Victorian style. Either way, Newman wanted to be buried beside his close friend who was a man.

Now Newman is being "fast tracked" for sainthood. I'm assuming he's not going to be the Saint of Buggering, because the Vatican wants to move Newman's body and leave St. John behind. Nothing worse than breaking up a couple of old queens against their will. The gay community is upset. The Vatican is saying they are full of shit.

This could be the first battle in the coming Gay-Christian War.

Lieberman Goes All The Way

Senator Joe Lieberman has decided to address the Republican National Convention.
The McCain campaign confirms what we all have known for months would happen: Senator Joe Lieberman will speak at the GOP convention on the first night.

Remember when he was a Democrat? Now he's an 'independent.' Remember when he was the chairman of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee? Oh, right, he still is. That's a good call. Don't take that away from him, considering he was not held one hearing on Iraq.
The Democrats are douchebags.

And, no, they won't lose the majority if they boot him.

Aug 19, 2008

Coal is Fucking Awesome

That's the message I took away from this USA Today article. Oddly, that is the message I take away from all USA Today articles, but this one was actually about coal. CEO Gregory Boyce, of coal giant Peabody Energy, explains how fucking awesome coal is.

"We wonder why we pay $4-plus for gasoline," says Boyce, moments before holding up a half-inch-long bottle filled with colorless liquid coal. "Coal has to be a big centerpiece of our energy strategy because it's our major reserve base.

"There's a perception out there that coal is dirty, and we have to change that," he adds, noting that coal plants already have cut emissions of some pollutants and boosted efficiency to slash CO2 discharges. "Black is the new green."

Fuckin' A. Also, cancer is the new penicillin. And morgues are the new Legoland. Rats are the new dog. Dane Cook is the new George Carlin. Ok, that last one was fucked up, but you get the point. The guy is a moron.

Being A Poll Worker Now Sucks More Than Ever

The word just came down in Ohio. Poll workers can no longer have "sleepovers" with voting machines.
Poll workers will not be allowed to take voting machines home for safekeeping in the days before the November presidential election because the practice known as "sleepovers" is an unacceptable security risk, the state elections chief said Tuesday.

Taking machines home makes it nearly impossible to keep track of what happens to a machine or memory card once it goes into the custody of a poll worker, Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner said.

What a party bummer. What's the point of being a poll worker if you can't take a voting machine home and tinker with it a bit? So much for the perks...

AP Calls Joe Lieberman a Prick.

Seriously. They did. During a story on McCain's possible VP choices.
Less traditional choices mentioned include former Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Ridge, an abortion-rights supporter, and Connecticut Sen. Joe Lieberman, the Democratic vice presidential prick in 2000 who now is an independent.

Well, there you go. In 2000 he was a prick. I'd say he's now graduated to anus, myself.

Drunk Guy!


Don't stop the party, scotch face!

Homeless Get A Whole Week of Looking Dapper

Well, Denver is going all out for the Democratic Convention. The homeless are getting makeovers.
It seems to be a first -- don't move the homeless, clean them up. That was the work of one salon and the recipients didn't even seem to care if the Democrats were coming to town. Sly's Salon at 17th and Grant was offering free haircuts to the homeless Monday.

"To give them haircuts and make them all spiffed up for the Democratic National Convention, because they are part of our community as well," said Ghandia Gohnson, co-owner of Sly's Salon.

Hell yeah! You know what else would make them looked "spiffed up?" A home.

But, by all means, clean them up so your town looks better than it is. Put a nice shine on that turd, it's the American way. Definitely don't do something about the homeless problem, just make it look acceptable for a week. Go America!

Aug 18, 2008

Maureen Dowd is Right


Maureen's column today seems dead on:

Russia Is Not Jamaica

That's the title. I didn't read the column, but the lady speaketh the truth. I mean, seriously, she fucking nailed it.

Also, France is not Poland.

Dowd is obviously awesome.

Gingrich's Head Nears Cave In Due To Lack of Use

Newt Gingrich is a pretty dumb man. He's been leading the mockery charge on Obama because Barack said Americans could help with the gas crisis by inflating their tires to the proper amount. Obama was correct, of course. Pretty much everyone associated with cars recommends you keep your tires inflated to the correct amount of pressure to get optimal MPG in your car. Under inflated tires greatly reduce gas mileage.

But the facts haven't stopped national embarrassment Newt Gingrich from mocking Obama about his statements. Today he produced this gem.
GINGRICH: Well, I got a very funny e-mail from a retired military officer in Tampa who pointed out that most tire inflation is done at service stations and you pay for it. And it’s actually a higher profit margin than selling gasoline. So Sen. Obama was urging you to go out and enrich Big Oil by inflating your tires instead of buying gas.

Um. No. Wait, can you hit yourself in the head with a shovel, Newt? I want to see if it makes a difference.

See, here's the deal. You fill up your tires for 75 cents. Then you get better gas mileage, probably saving 75 cents on the first tank. So, you use less gas and, therefore, end up giving less profit to gas companies. I know it's hard to understand, because you are a monkey. Just trust me on this one.

Double Up On Those Plastic Gloves!

Poor, poor doctors.

Doctors in California must treat gays and lesbians the same as any other patient, regardless of religious objections, the state Supreme Court ruled today.

Damn. That's going to be rough. But this doesn't say the doctor can't scream out, "Oh, fuck, this is horrible," or "DIRTY!" while giving gay people care, so there is a little middle ground.
In a unanimous decision, the court rejected a San Diego County fertility clinic's attempt to use its physicians' religious beliefs as a justification for their refusal to provide artificial insemination for a lesbian couple.

Now throw a baby up in that lesbian, you backwards fuck. Oh, wait, the lesbian was refused care in 2000. She went to another clinic and now has 3 babies. Slow the fuck down, lesbian.

Calling All Vaginas

The town of Mount Isa, Australia, has a bit of a lady problem. One lady for every 5 dudes. Now, I don't know if you've ever experienced quintuple penetration, but it's pretty much a huge bummer. Dudes in Mount Isa want women, and they don't care what kind of shape they are in.

John Moloney, the mayor of Mount Isa in northern Queensland, said 'ugly ducklings' could find happiness if they settled in the Queensland town - because men outnumber women five to one.


John is trying to say the men in that town would throw a hump on anything.

In an interview with his local newspaper, Moloney said: 'Quite often you will see walking down the street a lass who is not so attractive with a wide smile on her face.

'Whether it is recollection of something previous or anticipation for the next evening, there is a degree of happiness.'

He's talking about fucking ladies! Get your ugly faces and awesome vaginas down to Australia!

Aug 17, 2008

Finally! Canned Bacon

Science has finally done something worthwhile. Canned bacon.

Suck on that Spam, you bitch.

Penguins Finally Starting To Get Their Props

Penguins are, obviously, the bestest thing on Earth. And now, they are finally being rewarded for being the bestest thing on Earth.
For the commanding officer of the Norwegian King's Guard, it was a moment as surreal as it was moving.
As Lieutenant-Colonel Ingrid Gjerde surveyed the scene before her in Edinburgh yesterday, she must have wondered whether she was dreaming.

For the King's Guard was about to award a knighthood to what was already the world's most decorated penguin

Yes, a penguin in now a knight. Thank you Norway.
After a fanfare by the trumpet corps gathered at Edinburgh Zoo, all eyes were on king penguin Nils Olav as he gracefully marched into view.

Only when confronted by a tall man in a smart suit wielding a long sword did the bird flinch. But in seconds he had regained his poise long enough to be knighted – at the behest of King Harald V himself.


Sir Nils fucking Olav, penguin.

Aug 16, 2008

Something That Won't End Well

This guy is very stubborn.
A man who led city police on a chase through east Los Angeles this afternoon crashed his vehicle in Rosemead about 2 p.m. and has refused to come out of the burning SUV, a Los Angeles police spokeswoman said.

...

The vehicle flipped over and caught fire, she said, and shots were heard at the scene although it was unclear immediately whether the man or officers had fired.


I'm sure he has an awesome plan on how to get out of this mess.

George Bush Says Something


This is a pretty fantastic statement.

"Bullying and intimidation are not acceptable ways to conduct foreign policy in the 21st century," the president said. "Only Russia can decide whether it will now put itself back on the path of responsible nations or continue to pursue a policy that promises only confrontation and isolation.

I would expect that to be followed by this
Come on, I'm just fucking with you. Look at your faces! Let's grab a beer.
It wasn't. He was serious.

Worst President ever.

Aug 15, 2008

More Of That Conservative Sketch Movie

This could be the worst movie ever made.



Hey, Zucker, it's comedy idea first, political point second. That's how comedy works.

Time To Cancel That Vacation To South Africa


Well, this sucks. I had an awesome vacation planned in Capetown.
Non-consensual penetration of a man's anus does not constitute rape, the Constitutional Court ruled on Thursday.

However non-consensual penetration of a woman's anus does, the court found.
I am so tired of male anus discrimination. It needs to stop. Now.

Huge Bummer

Looks like Obama is not the anti-Christ
John McCain's campaign ad "The One" has generated a lot of buzz regarding the "Left Behind Series." Political commentators are comparing McCain's portrayal of competitor Barack Obama with the blockbuster apocalyptic series' depiction of the antichrist. But even the series authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins don't think Obama is the antichrist.

LaHaye and Jenkins take a literal interpretation of prophecies found in the Book of Revelation. They believe the antichrist will surface on the world stage at some point, but neither see Obama in that role. "I've gotten a lot of questions the last few weeks asking if Obama is the antichrist," says novelist Jenkins. "I tell everyone that I don't think the antichrist will come out of politics, especially American politics."

Boo.

We really need to get an anti-Christ up in this bitch, pronto.

Mexico Goes Crazy

A Mexican political cartoonist created this the other day:



There are fifty states, dumbshit. Duuuuuh. What an idiot.

Now we have to ironically invade Mexico. I love ironic invasions.

Aug 14, 2008

Trees Is Full 'O Oil!


I am constantly amazed by the endless stupidity of the right wing. They really seem to believe if they just say something, eventually it will become true. I think they believe they are wizards. Which is sad, because they are retards.

Check out today's gem from Idaho Representative Bill Sali.
Congressman Sali informed us that a solution to the high price of gasoline was to make petroleum from “all those trees in our forests.” Stunned by the comment, I suffered a momentary regret for not taking that high school chemistry class those many years ago. He continued by saying there ‘”could be up to 40 barrels of oil ” in a single tree.

Um. Shit. You know where we can also get a lot of oil? Out of turtles. There's probably three or four gallons in every turtle. True story.

It's not the first time Sali has said this. From 2006:
‘Forty percent of the mass of every tree in the forest is crude oil,’ he said. Going after that, he said, ‘could put Idaho in the oil business for the first time’.”

So, this tool has been walking around for TWO YEARS saying there is a lot of oil IN TREES. TWO FUCKING YEARS. How many people do you think have said, "You're a fucking idiot" or "Go read a book" in those two years? I'm betting a lot. And yet, Bill is sticking to his tree fantasy.

He is actually an elected official. And he's a treetard.

McCain Adultery Fox News Meltdown

Sean Hannity and some other idiots were explaining to the world why John Edwards is such a monster for having an affair. Then Alan Colmes asked what was the difference between Edwards having an affair and McCain having an affair.



Turns out, McCain can have affairs because he was a POW. Who knew?

Funny

I just discovered these guys tonight. Clark and Dawe are a couple of guys who do weekly mock interviews on Australian TV show called A Current Affair.

Update: I have been corrected by someone from Oceana. The show is called The 7.30 Report.



Funny.

Aug 13, 2008

Ex-Drug Addict Hurts Hand During Common Handshake

If this had happened to John McCain, I would have chalked it up to age, but Cindy is a spry 54.

Republican John McCain's wife has been treated for a "minor sprain" after someone at a campaign event in Michigan shook her hand firmly.

Jesus, what happens if you punch her? Does she turn to dust?
A campaign spokeswoman says Cindy McCain left the West Bloomfield, Mich., campaign event Wednesday for X-rays at a local hospital after an enthusiastic supporter squeezed too much. McCain's wife has had previous surgeries for carpal tunnel syndrome and the handshake exacerbated the condition.

Maybe she got carpal tunnel by shoveling all those pills into her pill hole.

GOP presidential candidate John McCain's wife Cindy took to the airwaves last week, recounting for Jane Pauley and Diane Sawyer the tale of her onetime addiction to Percocet and Vicodin, and the fact that she stole the drugs from her own nonprofit medical relief organization.

You know what would help that wrist pain, Cindy? Percocet.

Now Here Come The Bigfoots

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? First a human/pig hybrid is born in China, then a monster washes up onshore in Montauk, followed by the first video of a chupacabra and now, we have found a dead bigfoot - and have probably started a war with them.

It seems a couple of Georgia idiots have stumbled across a dead bigfoot and will have a press conference tomorrow to display the body. Pics are already up online.



The press conference will be in Palo Alto, California on Friday. Imagine how smelly the body will be by then. Really bad timing.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
August 12, 2008
BIGFOOT BODY FOUND
DNA evidence and photo evidence to be presented at a
PRESS CONFERENCE
to be held on
Date: Friday, August 15, 2008
Time: From 12Noon-1:00pm
Place: Cabana Hotel-Palo Alto (A Crown Plaza Resort) 4290 El Camino Real, Palo Alto, California 94306


This will basically start a war with the bigfoots, who we have lived in a peaceful truce with for years. Now, after taking and degrading a body of one of their own, we have essentially kicked off hostilities. The bigfoots probably have very strict rules regarding disposing of their dead. From what I understand, they attack you with their feet first. Just a tip.

How many monsters can we fight at once?

Oh, and the website I took the story from last night is GONE. VANISHED! The mystery deepens....

Aug 12, 2008

Dane Cook Elevates Douchebaggery To New Level

Let me start by saying how unfunny I find Dane Cook to be. He is loud and he repeats loud. That's pretty much the formula. Oh, and he's one of the biggest dicks I've ever met during my 20 years doing stand up comedy. Also, he tends to take other peoples bits. So, he's a loud, unfunny, thief and a dick. Quite the combo.

Yesterday he went Dane Cook loud in written form and the result was predictably hard to read. Turns out Dane is mad about this poster - and his face.



Dane blogged about his disappointment on MySpace and it is a tremendous display of sadness. Here are a few of the gems.
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

Hey, did someone forget to tell you that you are a comic? Comics will often use comedy to make their point. You? Not so much. That hostage line is so laborious that I wanted the hostages to die before I reached the end of the sentence. The EW reference gets a polite golf clap. Note to hacks: References work awesome in comedy clubs because people are drunk. On the page, not so much.
2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy [sic] thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' [sic] vagina.

Three different lines, all equally unfunny. That is fucking hard to do. Ark of the Covenant - see above comment about references. Bells Palsy? Jesus, just pick your best line. Why do you have to throw every shitty thought that comes into your brain into the letter? I know it's hard because you usually just say something louder, but when writing you can't be loud. And, finally, no, it looks nothing like Brittany Spears vagina. Look, you just said part of your face is melting, but here you are saying it looks like a vagina. I don't know if you've ever seen a vagina, Dane, but it looks absolutely nothing like a melting face. Nothing. You need to get your lady to a doctor, pronto.

Let's skip to six, because this hurts.
6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"


"Teen acne fairy." Oh, sweet hack Lords, smite this man. Creating a new fairy for something that fairies should not be involved in is something good comics stopped doing after their first set. I'm not going to comment on the Caesars Palace line, because I think you're being literal, not funny and I don't want to hurt your feelings. And lastly, I would like you to teach me comedy, because you took porcelain and combined it with an obscure celebrity who owns dolls. That was reference #6, in just 3 points. Kudos.

The rest of this sad display can be found here.

Great, Now We Have To Fight Chupacabras

This is really becoming horrible. First we get the man-faced pig bullshit in China, then the Montauk Monster and now, well, it's a God damn Chupacabra. On fucking video.




That's the last thing we need. Look at the size of the snout on that thing! You know what they use snouts for? Baby eating. Hide your babies, ladies! If there is one, then you can assume there are 8 thousand more running around, killing babies. Jesus Christ, where the fuck is Kolchak?

Okay, Dad, maybe we do have an immigrant problem.

Sorry

McCain Is Already Talking For Everybody

John McCain had a conversation with the president of Georgia today about their new, exciting war with Russia. Johnny told him we all really, really care.
McCain voiced his total support for Georgia, saying he'd spoken earlier with President Mikheil Saakashvili. "He knows that the thoughts and prayers and the support of the am people ar ewith that brave little nation as they struggle for their freedom and independence," McCain said.

McCain added: "And I know I speak for every American when I say to him: Today, we are all Georgians."

Um, no. I'm not even one with Georgians from the state of Georgia, right here in the old US of A. And I don't consider myself to be a Georgian today because they sort of invaded a region of their own country, killed a bunch of people and started this whole thing off. So, no, I don't want any.

Oh, and shut the fuck up, John, cause you're not the president.

Jesus Already Fixed This Fucker


Did you know the Lord Jesus Christ fixed the planet 2,000 years ago? Turns out that's why we shouldn't worry about global warming, according to Congresswoman Michele Bachmann.

"[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said that she's just trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet -- we didn't need Nancy Pelosi to do that," says Bachmann.

That's quite an ironic use of the term "fanaticism," Michele.

Michele's a Republican. Can you believe that?

Woman Unearths Government Plot

This is some scary shit.



What is oozing out of our ground? Time to fess up, government. I can tell you it sure isn't science books.

McCain Rolls Out The Race Train

McCain's ads are obviously racist. Check out this new one full of white women lovin' that Obama!



Yes, be afraid. Your white women love that black man. We're getting awfully close to this gem from a couple of years ago.



That ad swung the election. Oh, and the guy who made that ad...guess who he works for? Yeah, a guy named John McCain.

Aug 11, 2008

Reverand Wright Plans To Destroy Obama


This is pretty amazing.
In October, Obama’s former pastor, Wright, will publish a new book and hit the road to promote it, an occasion that might well place the topic of Obama’s blackness (along with his patriotism and his candor about what he heard in the pews in all those years at Trinity Church) squarely at the center of the national debate. How Obama handles that moment may determine whether he becomes the next occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

October? What a great time to bring that old chestnut back up! Way to go, Reverend Narcissist. It's all about you.

Spain Basketball Team Does Comedy From The 20s

Spain has a bit of a racism problem. In some cities, black soccer players hear monkey noises raining down from the stands. A couple of years ago, the Spanish soccer coach called French player Thierry Henry a "black shit." And this week, the Spanish basketball team posed for a wonderful ad before they flew to Spain. It appeared in the newspaper Marca today.



Get it? They are going to China! I think we can all just be thankful the Olympics weren't held in Africa somewhere.

Keep up the good work, Spain.

How To Not Accept The Truth


So, Clinton's minions aren't done yet. Seriously, they have decided Clinton's battle for the White House needs to go on and on and on.
The Denver Group, formed a couple of months ago by two Clinton backers, says it has filmed a television commercial and is looking to air it soon.
Um, she lost.
Meanwhile, another pro-Clinton group called “18 Million Voices” is organizing a march on Aug. 26 in Denver “and nationwide to support Sen. Clinton and advocate for women’s rights worldwide.”
Right, but she lost.
Some of the Denver Group’s goals are contrary to the Democratic Party’s.
Its goals include: an open convention; Clinton's name placed in nomination with no symbolic roll call vote; speeches allowed by supporters of Clinton on behalf of her candidacy; a genuine roll call vote with Clinton as a legitimate candidate; and “no coronation.”
Lost \ˈlost\ - adjective

1: not made use of, won, or claimed
2 a: no longer possessed b: no longer known
3: ruined or destroyed physically or morally : desperate
4 a: taken away or beyond reach or attainment : denied (regions lost to the faith) b: insensible, hardened (lost to shame)
5: hopelessly unattainable : futile (a lost cause)
The Denver Post recently reported that Clinton backers will hold signs that read, “Denounce Nobama's Coronation.”
I feel like you are not handling the losing thing well.
Clinton and many of her backers believe that, if there is a strategy of recognizing the New York senators’ delegates at the convention, it would be a cathartic experience and lead to a more unified Democratic Party.
Hi, opposite world, my name's Dave.

LET IT GO.

Making Me Uncomfortable

Finally, someone is suing a state over the issue of horse massaging.
Mercedes Clemens is certified to massage humans, but she claims the state of Maryland is keeping her from her first love: Massaging horses.

She shut down her equine massage practice in a Washington suburb after state officials told her state law only allows veterinarians to perform such services.

Now she's suing two state agencies, saying regulators are unfairly barring registered massage therapists who want to practice on animals.

I'm going to sue Clemens for making me uncomfortable.



"This isn't just a career for me, it's my passion," Clemens said. "If I was independently wealthy and I didn't need an income, I would do this for nothing. That's how much I love it."

Oh, fuck me. This just went way beyond uncomfortable. Clemens is now in creepy lady land.

Eager Anticipation

This is exciting news!
The New York Daily News got a bit of a buzz going by reporting yesterday that Chelsea Clinton would be introducing her mother when Hillary speaks at the Dem convention on Tuesday night.

Oh, yes! Wahooooo!
But Hillary spokesperson Mo Elleithee assures us that that isn't the case -- yet. "No decisions have been made," Elleithee says.

Damn! I guess we have to wait to find out what Chelsea will be doing at the convention. Can you take it??!!

McCain Gets Slammed

This is pretty amusing. During McCain's celebrity assault of Obama, people kept pointing out that McCain has been on more television shows than any other Senator over the past ten years. Obama finally put it in an ad.

Aug 9, 2008

John Edwards Just Became Attack Man #1


Republicans have been loving the fact that John Edwards admitted to an affair, even though it's none of the public's business. They are basically jerking off all over the airwaves and the internet, as they watch a Democratic political figure swing in the wind. Only, there's this small problem.

"What I was thining was this was something that was personal to my own family," Edwards said, citing other public figures having survived extramarital affairs. He recalled, he said, having heard "John McCain talk about the mistakes that he’s made in his past with respect to his first marriage."

"I’m not the first person to do this," he said.

Yes, John Edwards just became the one person in America who can talk about McCain's affair. What a complete and total disaster for Republicans. Anytime a reporter asks John Edwards about his affair, expect to hear the words, "John McCain." It's a beautiful thing.

That's called, "Getting what you wish for" in screenwriting. In the 70s, it was called, "face." And now, I'd just like to say, "suck it."

Aug 8, 2008

Major Georgia Tardation

Don't know if you heard, but Russia invaded Georgia today. Both of those countries are, of course, in Asia. But Jessica B was pretty worried, so she asked her fellow interneters for help.


Yes, Americans are that stupid. The comments were pretty wonderful.
You are a tool, Georgia is a Euroasia state that borders the south of Russia.

Please pay attention in school or at least get out a geography book.
....
Relax. I'm in Michigan and we heard about it on the news. Many of us are on our way in a convoy of pick-up trucks to help! Stand-by and stay where you are until we get there!
....
THEY'VE COME FOR YOUR PEACHES!

But none were better than this genius.



God bless you, Ocabj.