Aug 12, 2008

Dane Cook Elevates Douchebaggery To New Level

Let me start by saying how unfunny I find Dane Cook to be. He is loud and he repeats loud. That's pretty much the formula. Oh, and he's one of the biggest dicks I've ever met during my 20 years doing stand up comedy. Also, he tends to take other peoples bits. So, he's a loud, unfunny, thief and a dick. Quite the combo.

Yesterday he went Dane Cook loud in written form and the result was predictably hard to read. Turns out Dane is mad about this poster - and his face.

Dane blogged about his disappointment on MySpace and it is a tremendous display of sadness. Here are a few of the gems.
1. Graphics:
Whoever photoshopped our poster must have done so at taser point with 3 minutes to fulfill their hostage takers deranged obligations. They should have called Donnie Hoyle and had him give a tutorial using "You Suck at Photoshop" templates. This is so glossy it makes Entertainment Weekly look wooden.

Hey, did someone forget to tell you that you are a comic? Comics will often use comedy to make their point. You? Not so much. That hostage line is so laborious that I wanted the hostages to die before I reached the end of the sentence. The EW reference gets a polite golf clap. Note to hacks: References work awesome in comedy clubs because people are drunk. On the page, not so much.
2. My head:
The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. I guess I am looking directly into the Ark of the Covenant? Are they going for the bells palsy [sic] thing here? My left side looks like Brittany Spears' [sic] vagina.

Three different lines, all equally unfunny. That is fucking hard to do. Ark of the Covenant - see above comment about references. Bells Palsy? Jesus, just pick your best line. Why do you have to throw every shitty thought that comes into your brain into the letter? I know it's hard because you usually just say something louder, but when writing you can't be loud. And, finally, no, it looks nothing like Brittany Spears vagina. Look, you just said part of your face is melting, but here you are saying it looks like a vagina. I don't know if you've ever seen a vagina, Dane, but it looks absolutely nothing like a melting face. Nothing. You need to get your lady to a doctor, pronto.

Let's skip to six, because this hurts.
6. Flesh:
It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the fuckin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace. One of Marie Osmond's dolls would look at me and say "shit ... that guys got flawless skin!"

"Teen acne fairy." Oh, sweet hack Lords, smite this man. Creating a new fairy for something that fairies should not be involved in is something good comics stopped doing after their first set. I'm not going to comment on the Caesars Palace line, because I think you're being literal, not funny and I don't want to hurt your feelings. And lastly, I would like you to teach me comedy, because you took porcelain and combined it with an obscure celebrity who owns dolls. That was reference #6, in just 3 points. Kudos.

The rest of this sad display can be found here.

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