Jul 31, 2009
The U.S. military did major damage to the site of one of the wonders of the ancient world while converting it into a base, the United Nations said in a new report.So, we modernized it a bit. Big fucking deal.
The site of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon was converted into Camp Alpha shortly after the United States invaded Iraq in 2003.
The troops and their contractors caused "major damage" by digging, cutting, scraping and leveling while they were revamping the site to meet military standards.Sounds like they made some nice improvements.
Babylon, an hour's drive south of Baghdad, dates to ancient Mesopotamia. The city on the banks of the Euphrates River was the home of Hammurabi and later Nebuchadnezzer, who built the famous gardens for his wife. Alexander the Great wished to make Babylon his capital, but died before realizing his plan.
Old shit is dumb.
A web site for the gubernatorial campaign of Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX) included hidden phrases including "rick perry gay," a reporter from the Austin American Statesman discovered today.Have you seen his hair?
"We did not know these offensive word associations were being searched for by hundreds of thousands of Texans everyday nor do we condone the computer-generated existence on our Web site," Hutchison spokesman Jeff Sadosky told the Austin American-Statesman.Hopefully the queer will accept that excuse.
Among Republicans only 42% say Obama was born in the U.S., with 28% saying he was not, with a very high undecided number of 30%.That makes 1/4 of Republicans shockingly stupid and another 1/3 too stupid to decide whether or not they are stupid (Which makes them stupid).
Oh, and 4 percent of Democrats are racist, too.
Among Democrats, the number is 93%-4%.Yay America! Try not to accidentally eat your own shit.
Jul 27, 2009
Sales of new homes in the United States posted their largest monthly gain in eight years in June, the government reported on Monday, a sign that the housing market is bottoming as buyers take advantage of lower prices.Bam! America!!!!!
The Commerce Department reported that new single-family home sales rose 11 percent in June, an increase that dwarfed economists’ expectations of a 3 percent increase.
Despite the monthly increase, sales of new homes were still down 21 percent from June 2008, and the market is still swamped by a glut of for-sale houses and foreclosed properties.Fuck you. I'm going to buy something pretty and electronic that I can't afford.
“These are still really bad numbers,” an economist at IHS Global Insight, Patrick Newport, said. “The market just couldn’t have dropped much further.” As sales rose, median prices of new homes continued to fall, slipping to $206,200 from $232,100 in June a year ago.
Jul 25, 2009
Top Bush administration officials in 2002 debated testing the Constitution by sending American troops into the suburbs of Buffalo to arrest a group of men suspected of plotting with Al Qaeda, according to former administration officials.Yeah, don't worry about that "Constitution" thingy.
Can't say I'm surprised - and so much worse will be coming.
The Aug. 6 issue of Rolling Stone magazine reports that the artificial nose the King of Pop wore was missing when he was taken to the Los Angeles county morgue after his death on June 25. Jackson was 50 when he died at his rented mansion in Los Angeles.I think the kids call that "Nose Fail."
"The prosthesis that he normally attached to his damaged nose was missing, revealing bits of cartilage surrounding a small dark hole," the magazine said in an unconfirmed report.
Adrian McManus, a former housekeeper of Jackson's, says that the singer kept a jar of fake noses in his closet that he adhered to his face with stage glue when he wanted to disguise himself.I will never have an erection again. Neither will you - and I'm including the ladies.
Jul 24, 2009
LIMBAUGH: I think Obama is largely misunderstood by a lot of people. … We’re finding out that this guy’s got a chip on his shoulder. He’s angry at this country. He’s not proud of it. Let’s face it, President Obama’s black, and I think he’s got a chip on his shoulder. I think there are elements in this country he doesn’t like and he never has liked. And he’s using the power of the presidency to remake the country.I was a bit taken aback my the claim that Obama is black. It's pretty shocking to hear, but black = angry, so he's pretty on point.
We can trust this information because of the source. Rush is the happiest man in America.
Jul 22, 2009
Jul 20, 2009
Fortunately, instead of paying for this budget in taxes, we will pay for it in crime fighting costs.
In addition, tens of thousands of seniors and children would lose access to healthcare, local governments would sacrifice billions of dollars in state assistance this year and large numbers of state prisoners would have their sentences scaled back. Welfare checks would go to fewer residents, state workers would be forced to continue to take unpaid days off and new drilling for oil would be permitted off the Santa Barbara coast.Oh, man, I can't wait to get robbed by a guy who used to be in prison but can't get welfare! Go crime!
The Treasury Department is scrapping plans to hire a cartoonist to lighten the mood of its employees who manage the nation's $1.2 trillion debt, after a senator questioned its merits.That's a shame. My wife and I hired a cartoonist and it's been the best thing we've ever done. We're much happier and there's just so much laughter around the house. Also it's much cleaner.
The cartoonist would have been hired by Treasury's Bureau of Public Debt, which accounts for borrowed federal spending, at a time Congress is embroiled in a debate about increased government spending.
"Our training staff felt that at a time when employees are working extra hours, it might have been helpful," said Kim Treat, a spokesman for the bureau.
Wait, we hired a house keeper. My bad.
Jul 17, 2009
The Scott Peterson saga continues. The family of the Modesto man who was convicted of murdering his pregnant wife, Laci, and their unborn son, Conner, in 2002, is reaching out via the Internet, asking the public to help fund a pricey appeal, reports CBS5.
In a blog on the Peterson family's website, they say money from the "state" (a.k.a California taxpayers) won't be enough to cover the thousands they estimate it will cost to retain the services of attorney Cliff Gardner. They're requesting donations between $5 and $50.
I'll pitch in $100 if you agree to kill me!
Obama, “our globe-trotting president,” Miller said, “needs to stop and take a break and quit gallivanting all around. I think (chief of staff) Rahm Emanuel ought to get some Gorilla Glue and put it in that chair in the Oval Office and say ‘Sit here awhile.’”Huh. Gorilla Glue. Interesting choice.
Jul 16, 2009
Something big and strange is floating through the Chukchi Sea between Wainwright and Barrow.Oh. I don't like the sound of that.
Brower and other borough officials, joined by the U.S. Coast Guard, flew out to Wainwright to investigate. The agencies found "globs" of the stuff floating miles offshore Friday and collected samples for testing.How does one test for "Monster?"
Nobody knows for sure what the gunk is, but Petty Officer 1st Class Terry Hasenauer says the Coast Guard is sure what it is not.Um, yeah. We've all seen this move, or skipped past it on the guide because it was playing on the SciFi Channel.
"It's certainly biological," Hasenauer said. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.
"It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism."
"That's one of the reasons we went out, because in recent history I don't think we've seen anything like this," he said. "Maybe inside lakes or in stagnant water or something, but not (in the ocean) that we could recall ...I can. It smells like the ocean is angry and has decided to create a monster to kill off mankind.
"If it was something we'd seen before, we'd be able to say something about it. But we haven't ...which prompted concerns from the local hunters and whaling captains."
"It's pitch black when it hits ice and it kind of discolors the ice and hangs off of it," Brower said. He saw some jellyfish tangled up in the stuff, and someone turned in what was left of a dead goose -- just bones and feathers -- to the borough's wildlife department.
"It kind of has an odor; I can't describe it," he said.
Jul 15, 2009
Former General Motors Corp. Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner will retire Aug. 1 with a pension and benefit package the automaker valued at more than $10 million.All you did was drive the company into bankruptcy! You old dog! Now, get out of here!
Wagoner, 56, who was ousted by the Obama administration on March 30, will get $1.64 million in benefits annually for each of the next five years, plus an annual pension of $74,030 for the rest of his life, according to company documents filed Tuesday with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.
Wagoner, who spent 32 years with the company, can also choose to cash out his company-provided life insurance policy at $2.6 million, according to the filing.
Renowned investigative journalist Seymour Hersh, who said that former Vice President Dick Cheney ran a secret assasination rign outside the purview of Congress, is standing by his claim in light of a recent New York Times report that appears to cover similar ground.Seymour! He's all up in the death squad! You go, girl.
"I said what I said, they can always say what they say," Hersh told Sarlin. "The last time they said 'the government doesn't torture'; this time it's 'the government doesn't assassinate.'"Oh, I hear what you're sayin'.
"Under President Bush’s authority, they’ve been going into countries, not talking to the ambassador or the CIA station chief, and finding people on a list and executing them and leaving. That’s been going on, in the name of all of us."We've gone all mid '80s El Salvador. Saawwweeeeeeet.
Jul 10, 2009
BROOKS: You know, all three of us spend a lot of time covering politicians and I don’t know about you guys, but in my view, they’re all emotional freaks of one sort or another. They’re guaranteed to invade your personal space, touch you. I sat next to a Republican senator once at dinner and he had his hand on my inner thigh the whole time. I was like, ehh, get me out of here.Yeah, why would you want to tell anyone that? It's only one of the greatest stories of all time.
BROOKS: I can only imagine what happens to you guys.
O’DONNELL: Sorry, who was that?
BROOKS: I’m not telling you, I’m not telling you.
Oh, and you can actually take dudes hand off your thigh. You're not a scared 12-year-old girl sitting next to your weird uncle at Christmas, so it's cool to say, "Get your fucking hand off my junk."
Oh, and it was very near the junk. A perv hand doesn't just sit there quietly for an entire dinner. It moves about, creeps around and does some stroking.
Other possible shirts:
I'd Rather Be Causing Permanent Psychological Scarring
I'd Rather Be Pulling Off Fingernails
I'd Rather Be Sodomizing Someone With A Flashlight
I'd Rather Be Doing Something The Nazis Did
I'd Rather Be Shitting in a Bag and Putting it Over Someone's Head
I'd Rather Be Rubbing My Menstrual Blood on Someone's Face
The federal government's most secure prison has determined that two books written by President Barack Obama contain material "potentially detrimental to national security" and rejected an inmate's request to read them.
Ahmed Omar Abu Ali is serving a 30-year sentence at the federal supermax prison in Florence, Colo., for joining al-Qaida and plotting to assassinate then-President George W. Bush. Last year, Abu Ali requested two books written by Obama: "Dreams from My Father" and "The Audacity of Hope."
Could you imagine what would happen if a wanna be assasin got his hands on a book called, "The Audacity of Hope." He would become the greatest threat our country has ever seen.
Jul 8, 2009
This is just too amazing for words.
A new USA Today/Gallup poll has found that “Sarah Palin’s bombshell that she is resigning as Alaska governor actually has boosted her a bit among Republicans.” According to the poll, “two-thirds of Republicans want Palin…to be a ‘major national political figure' in the future.”They loves 'em a quitter! Quit the shit out of it! Just think how much they would have loved her if she had pulled out a Beretta and blown her brains out.
Then she quit because people were mean to her.
Today she said something about it.
What I said was, it doesn’t do her or anybody else any good to whine about the criticism. And that’s why I’m trying to make it clear that the criticism, I invite that. But freedom of speech and that invitation to constructively criticize a public servant is a lot different than the allowance to lie, to continually falsely accuse a public servant when they have proven over and over again that they have not done what the accuser is saying they did. It doesn’t cost them a dime to continue to accuse. That’s a whole different situation. But that’s why when I talk about the political potshots that I take or my family takes, we can handle that. I can handle that. I expect it. But there has to be opportunity provided for truth to get out there, and truth isn’t getting out there when the political game that’s being played right now is going to continue, and it is.Uh. What?
She's like a monkey playing with words.
Jul 7, 2009
John Williams of Shadow Government Statistics specializes in removing these questionable tweaks to the government's statistical data to better align current numbers with the methodology used to gather historical data.So, we are actually doing way better than the 9.5% rate!
By adding these folks back in, William's SGS-Alternate Unemployment Measure rose to a jaw-dropping 20.6%. Separately, the Center for Labor Market Studies in Boston puts U.S. unemployment at 18.2%.We win! Suck it 1980!
A top Taliban leader in Pakistan is buying and selling children for suicide bombings, Pakistani and U.S. officials said.
Taliban leader Baitullah Mehsud has been selling the children, once trained, to other Taliban officials for $6,000 to $12,000, Pakistani military officials said.
Some of the children are as young as 11, the officials said.
"He has been been admitting he holds a training center for young boys, for preparing them for suicide bombing. So he is on record saying all this, accepting these crimes," said Major General Akhtar Abbas, spokesman for the Pakistani army.
The young suicide bombers may be able to reach targets unnoticed, the military said.
"If he is approaching on foot, there is a possibility he will bypass security," Abbas said.
I know most of you think this is fine, but I have to disagree. It's wrong. So, let's stop donating to "Kids For Suicide Bombings."
Although, if my kid keeps up this crying...yeah, you know what I'm talking about! (That remark was brought to you by 1983 stand up comedy).
Jul 6, 2009
And they made their own signs!
Get it? He's a monkey! And he's going to take over the planet in the future, after mankind destroys itself. Wait. That kind of doesn't make sense. Fuck it! He's a monkey!
Jul 5, 2009
A largely-overlooked order from the United States Supreme Court last week suggests the nation’s highest court wants to revisit long-standing restrictions on campaign contributions from corporations.
On the last day of its current session, the Supreme Court surprised observers by declining to return a ruling in the case of Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, instead asking lawyers on both sides of the case to return in September for an unusual pre-session hearing on the validity of various electoral laws pertaining to the case.
With Alito and Roberts on the bench, the Supreme Court has yet to make a decision that did not favor big business. They are corporate whores of the highest order. This decision, when it comes, will be horrifying.
Simply put, if the Supreme Court decides to overturn Austin v. Michigan Chamber of Commerce, it will mean that any restrictions on campaign spending by corporations will be invalid because they violate those corporations’ right to freedom of speech.
“The court, at the very least, is considering reversing more than 100 years of campaign finance precedent prohibiting corporate spending,” Paul Ryan, associate legal counsel at the Campaign Legal Center, told The Hill. “It would be a pretty large step, and remarkable step, for the court to overturn a century of public policy.”
Judicial observers fear overturning the 1989 ruling would mark the beginning of a wild, unbridled era where elections are won by the highest bidder.
Yes, it can get worse.
Jul 3, 2009
Dare I say this is the greatest thing, ever? She now has the awesome resume of not completing one term as governor. How can you not want her to be president?
Gov. Sarah Palin will resign her office in a few weeks, she said during a news conference at her Wasilla home Friday morning.
Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell will be inaugurated at the Governor's Picnic at the end of the month, Palin said.
There was no immediate word as to why she will resign, though speculation has been rampant that the former vice presidential candidate is gearing up for a run at the 2012 Republican presidential nomination.
Gov. Bobby Jindal approved legislation Thursday creating a new public school curriculum with lowered academic standards, waving aside objections from education advocates who say the change will produce high school graduates who lack basic English and math skills.Originally, this legislation was going to be called, "Ah, fuck it," but they thought that might send the wrong message. Look, accepting your state is full of morons is not the worst thing in the world. Would you ask a chimp to read Moby Dick? No, you wouldn't. Jindal knows that.
The South will rule again. Fo sho.
Use your fingers ladies. That's why God made them.
11th Circuit Nixes Sex Toys, Sex Rights
Americans do not have a fundamental right to sexual privacy, a 2-1 decision of the 11th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals said on Wednesday.
The split panel upheld an Alabama law -- nearly identical to one in Georgia -- that made the sale of sex toys a crime punishable by up to a year in prison.
I look forward to the dildo raids that are surely to follow. Seriously, I REALLY LOOK FORWARD TO THEM.
Jul 2, 2009
Rachel Swarns of the New York Times and The Washington Post’s Robin Givhan were among those herded behind the rope Monday. They and the other main beat reporters — Newsweek’s Allison Samuels, Darlene Superville of the Associated Press and Politico’s Nia-Malika Henderson — have something in common: They are all African American women.Howard Kurtz is right. It's too early to tell whether or not black people can do their job without being all black. White people have clearly shown they don't let their white get in the way. Now we must keep our keen white eyes on black reporters.
Whether racial and gender identification produces a gauzier, more favorable portrayal of Obama is perhaps too early to judge.
Jul 1, 2009
"I will be able to die knowing that I had met my soul mate," he said.That will look good on a bumper sticker.
I think somebody was watching Argentinian soap operas on some of those trips. Either way, this can't be helping the reconciliation thingy with your wife.
Officially the craziest motherfuckers on the face of the Earth. As a matter of fact, they are going to be on the cover of this month's Craziest Motherfuckers magazine.
Asked if he has plans to run for public office, he replied, “I hope not. You know, I talked to God about that and he was like, ‘No.’”God also inappropriately uses the word, "Like." God is a 16-year-old girl.
He continued, “I believe he’s gotten me on this grassroots movement. If I can encourage leaders to step up, that’s what I would like to do. That’s a heavy role. That’s something I don’t know if I am prepared to do yet.”Cool. Keep us up to date with the stuff God tells you, plumber.
But Wurzelbacher said he will keep that door open if God ever calls him to be that leader.
The hate hole known as Senator Inhofe erupted again today.
“I’ll tell you what a lot of people are thinking, and that is it looks like things are going to be over and we are going to get the clown from Minnesota,’’ he said. “They are not going to get more than 35 votes.”Franken is available for children's parties and scary paintings.
Asked if he was referring to Al Franken as the clown from Minnesota, Inhofe confirmed he was.
“I didn’t mean to be disrespectful. I don’t know the guy, but … for a living he is a clown,’’ the senator said. “That’s what he does for a living."