Obama Goes All George Bush

While everyone is cheering on Obama and his "change" and pretty smile, no one seems to have noticed he is carrying on Bush's destruction of The Constitution. It's exciting how he supports Bush's draconian domestic agenda and legally argues to kidnap and disappear people around the world.

Yay!

You might assume that in the American market economy, telecommunications service providers are private companies. But the Obama Justice Department, in a strange filing with a federal court in San Francisco, explains that the facts are somewhat different. In a sense, the Justice Department said, the telecom companies are just extensions of one big, happy government family: their communications with the government are interagency communications and are entitled to secrecy.

The communications between the agencies and telecommunications companies regarding the immunity provisions of the proposed legislation have been regarded as intra-agency because the government and the companies have a common interest in the defense of the pending litigation and the communications regarding the immunity provisions concerned that common interest.

Now Wired reports that federal judge Jeffrey White has ruled against this ploy, insisting that the government turn over its communications with the telecoms on a subject of vital public interest: securing legislation that grants the telecoms immunity for participating in an illegal surveillance scheme engineered by the Bush Administration. Rather than comply with the court’s order, the Obama Justice Department is now seeking an emergency stay while it continues the crusade for secret government that is immune to accountability for criminal misconduct.

Your president is a complete asshole.

Happy Nobel Peace Prize Day!

Obama peaced the shit out of that child.

I Will Have His Babies

Awesome.

I hope he runs for Emperor.

Obama Wins Something He Doesn't Deserve!

Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize!

President Barack Obama, in his tenth month in office, was chosen this morning as the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

The one-liner from the committee - it goes to Obama "for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."

Yay!

Oh, and there's this.

As Pakistan sharply rebukes United States Predator drone attacks inside Pakistani territory, the Obama administration plans to turn up the number of those attacks in Pakistan's restive tribal belt, according to news reports.

And this.

President Barack Obama has approved a significant troop increase for Afghanistan, Pentagon officials said Tuesday.

The new troop deployment is expected to include 8,000 Marines from Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, as well as 4,000 additional Army troops from Fort Lewis, Washington.

Another 5,000 troops will be deployed at a later date to support combat troops, bringing the total to 17,000 the Defense Department said. A senior administration official confirmed the total.

So, besides ratcheting up a war and bombing a sovereign nation, he's waaay into peace and shit.

Beeftards

Something you should know.

A kilogram of beef is responsible for more greenhouse gas emissions and other pollution than driving for 3 hours while leaving all the lights on back home.

So, cooking meat on your engine is twice as bad.

Stop it.

Update: Link

Sorry

I guess we just went ahead and forgot about Pfc. Bowe R. Bergdahl.

Zero news stories of his existence since he was captured.



Maybe we've decided the less we talk about him, the less value he will have? I don't know.

It's weird.

Bestest Man Alive Gets Bestester

Greyson sent this out in a campaign fundraising email.

It's getting close to the point where I blow him.

Morgan Murphy, Ladies And Gentleman

She's a very funny stand up.

Here's her webpage.

RIght Wing Tardsplosion!

Sometimes it all comes out at once. That's what happened to Representative Louie Gohmert of Texas last night. Louie was having a difficult time dealing with what was happening in the House during a special session convened to urge the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. If that were to happen, well, homos running amok and whatnot, which leads to Hitler.

GOHMERT: If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions, [...] pedophiles or necrophiliacs or what most would say is perverse sexual orientations but the trouble is, we made amendments to eliminate pedophiles from being included in the definition. [...] But people have always been willing to give up their liberties, their freedoms in order to gain economic stability. It happened in 1920 and 1930’s. Germany gave up their liberties to gain economic stability and they got a little guy with a mustache, who was the ultimate hate monger. And this is scary stuff we’re doing here when we take away what has traditionally been an important aspect of moral teaching in America.

Open with a little animal fucking, crank that shit up to boy fucking, add a dash of dead guy banging and that, obviously, leads one to Hitler. Now you know your history.

Another day of calm, rational debate by Republicans in Congress.

That's Why Pepsi Tastes Like Cock and Balls

I had no idea until now. It all makes sense.

A group that advocates "traditional family values" claims it has the signatures of 500,000 people who have pledged to boycott Pepsi over what it says are the company's activities promoting gay rights.

Boo. Soft drinks love man sex. Boo.

The American Family Association, which boasts "2.5 million online supporters," "asked PepsiCo to be neutral in the culture war and not support the homosexual agenda," it said in a press release Tuesday. "PepsiCo refused. The company continues to give financial support to homosexual organizations."

Come on, Pepsi. Be the Switzerland of soft drinks in the Gay War.

In particular, the AFA decried PepsiCo's donations to groups that funded the effort against California's Proposition 8 last year. The AFA said PepsiCo gave $500,000 to the Human Rights Campaign, which had worked to defeat Proposition 8.

Wow. Pepsi is such a fucked up company, wanting people to have equal rights and shit.

The Pepsi boycott seems to be having some effect within the Christian conservative community. Last month, the Westboro Baptist Church, of "God hates fags" fame, protested in downtown Atlanta with signs that read "God Hates Diet Pepsi."

That is the greatest sign of all time. You guys win.

Last month, Bell Shoals Baptist, a mega-church in Brandon, Florida, removed its Pepsi vending machines and replaced them with Coke machines.

OH SNAP. You guys totally win!

Quiet Time With Clarence

The Supreme Court is back in session and they brought a fiery Latina along for the ride.

Yesterday was the Supreme Court’s opening day, and Justice Sonia Sotomayor took an active role in oral arguments. Sotomayor "displayed no reticence on the first day of her first term on the court; in the two cases on the docket, she asked as many questions and made as many comments as Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr.,” reported the Washington Post.

What up, chatty? Who's asking as many questions as John "open face" Roberts? Sonia, that's who.

In just an hour, the court's newest justice asked more questions than Justice Clarence Thomas has asked over the course of several years.

Hey, why the cheap shot?

Thomas has gone three years straight without posing a question during oral arguments.

Shhhh. He's sleeping.

Our Shit is Too Expensive

Health insurance carrier cutting health insurance for employees.

WellPoint Inc., the largest U.S. insurer, dismissed a "small number" of workers last week and announced cuts to employee health benefits Friday, in its latest attempt to deal with the recession's toll on enrollment.

WellPoint eliminated the positions last week and expects to let more go before year's end, though the number will be "relatively small," Kristin Binns, a spokeswoman, said in a telephone interview. The company will also raise deductibles and premiums for some of its employee health benefits, the Indianapolis-based insurer told workers in a memo obtained by Bloomberg.

What a shame. People who make their living finding ways to cut people off from the benefits when they become ill are having their benefits reduced. So sad. It almost turns my smile into a grin.

In the memo from Randy Brown, WellPoint's chief human resources officer, the company said it would lower its contribution toward worker premiums and raise deductibles in two of its three benefit plans. "Your cost per paycheck will probably increase," the memo said.

But, if you can find away for the company to cut off some sickly orphans from the insurance rolls, we will give you a bonus.

Palin Finally Teams Up With White Power

One has to wonder if Sarah Palin can actually find a way to become a more horrible person. The answer is, of course, yes.

As many of you know, the female George Bush was offered a book deal and has already picked a delightful ghost writer. By "delightful," I mean "White supremacist."

Sarah Palin’s soon-to-be-released book was ghostwritten by Lynn Vincent.

Who’s Lynn Vincent? She’s the co-author of a book with white supremacist blogger Robert Stacy McCain.

Okay, maybe I got that wrong. She just wrote a book with a White Supremacist. Who hasn't? Also, get in line and other cliches. Vincent seems like a nice lady with decent opinions, like abortion is black genocide.

She told them that abortion is killing off their culture: 13 million black babies have died in the womb since 1973—more than 2.5 times the total number of deaths among African-Americans during the same period from AIDS, cancer, accidents, heart disease, and violent crime combined.

I'm going to agree the shit out of that. White people rarely get abortions. That's just how we do. Also, our babies crawl out of our vaginas and into a pouch on our tummy.

Sarah has chosen wisely. Again.

Mark Maron Podcast

Looks like I'll be doing an episode of WTF with Mark Maron on October 16th at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater at 8 pm. (Los Angeles)

It's my favorite podcast.

Check it out here.

Policito Rips Open a Big Bag of Idiot

I have for quite some time believed America has a hefty percentage of idiots, but the depths to which we are now sinking is astounding. And it comes each and every day, like waves pounding in from the ocean, chipping away the cliffs, until we plunge into the sea of retard.

Today's shocking idiocy comes, again, at the hands of our right wing brethren, who celebrated our loss of hosting the 2012 Olympics, much like they would celebrate the death of Obama. Conservatives, quite simply, don't give a shit about the country, only their ideology and seeing their opponents fail.

But I expect that kind of nonsense from the idiots on the street. It's when writers, like shocking moron Josh Gernstein of Politico, pen shit like this that I can't take it.

What was he thinking?

Monday-morning Quarterbacking became Washington’s favorite Olympic sport Friday after President Barack Obama's in-person pitch failed to bring home the 2016 Olympics to Chicago – and in rather dramatic fashion.

Chicago was knocked out in the first-round of balloting – winning just 18 of 94 votes — making Obama’s trip to Copenhagen seem not just unsuccessful but entirely ineffective.

Good point. It was unsuccessful AND ineffective. I can't believe both those things could happen at once, but there it is. Someone put their analysis hat on today and tore that fucker up.

A few Democrats were glum, some conservatives were downright gleeful and the White House scrambled to explain that Obama had no regrets about making the trip – despite the fact that it exposed the limits to the power of his high-wattage international popularity.

This is the point when we should mourn the death of intellectuals in the media. The fact that this idiot is given the chance to write such driven is amazing. Yes, Obama tried to get the Olympics. No, he wasn't successful. OH MY GOD, NOBODY LIKES HIM!

Hey, kids, here's today's conservative lesson: You should only try if you know you can succeed. Trying and not succeeding means no one likes you.

Now, go play ball. Many political pros said they wouldn’t even consider letting Obama put his prestige, popularity and time on the line to go to Copenhagen unless he thought Chicago was a lock, or a near-lock. Some even speculated that Obama must have had some inside information about the strength of Chicago’s bid that prompted him to go – something the White House denied.

Right. Because, as a nation, we toss away any president who has the gall to appear in person and NOT convince the IOC to give us the Olympics. I'm surprised we didn't shoot him this morning, to be honest. He's like a horse with a broken leg.

Even Democrats got in on the action

“If he doesn't get it, he looks bad,” Begala said on CNN earlier this week. “You know, he does have a full plate. If I was working for him, I'd say, sir, don't go.”

Seriously. I was totally on the fence about Obama, until he pulled this "I'm going to do all I can to get the Olympics" shit. Then he didn't get it. Now I don't like him. Never mind this health care crap and the economy and education and Iran and the wars and the environment, none of that shit matters. He didn't get the fucking Olympics. Big black mark, bitch. He better grovel hard to get my respect back.

OR, you stupid assholes in Washington could step outside your golden walls and find out what in the fuck we actually care about once in a while. My fucking God, we are pathetic. Amazingly pathetic.

Here's what an adult says: "Hey, thanks for trying to get the Olympics for us. Bummer it didn't work out."

But there's no story in that. And human embarrassments, like Josh Gernstein, write articles titled "The agony of Obama's defeat." Any decent journalist would cringe in shame while typing those words. Josh Gernstein is an example of America's greatest problem: Shit journalism.

Joe The Plumber Killing

Rocking the house! I can't compare to that. Consider me retired from stand up.

More Greyson

Here are some delightful quotes from Greyson over the past couple of years.

"Rush Limbaugh is a has-been hypocrite loser, who craves attention. His right-wing lunacy sounds like Mikhail Gorbachev, extolling the virtues of communism. Limbaugh actually was more lucid when he was a drug addict. If America ever did 1% of what he wanted us to do, then we'd all need pain killers."

"I’m sorry Limbaugh called for harsh sentences for drug addicts while he was a drug addict. I’m also sorry that he’s bent on seeing America fail. And I’m sorry that Limbaugh is one sorry excuse for a human being."

"The development fund of Iraq was looted by war profiteers and war whores."

He is an attorney who represents whistle blowers.

Too rich to be bought off, Grayson's been fucking with the powerful for a few years now. As an attorney, he represented whistleblowers, going after the hundreds of millions of dollars in fraud committed by contractors and others in Iraq.

Nice.

Best Human Ever Good All The Time

Love him!

How Jesus Would Have Wanted It

Look, Congress has it rough. They take a couple of months off a year, only work 3-4 days a week, tons of perks and pull down enormous salaries, so they obviously also need the best health care in the world.

This fall while members of Congress toil in the U.S. Capitol, working to decide how or even whether to reform the country's health care system, one floor below them an elaborate Navy medical clinic -- described by those who have seen it as something akin to a modern community hospital -- will be standing by, on-call and ready to provide Congress with some of the country's best and most efficient government-run health care.

Poor bastards.

Services offered by the Office of the Attending Physician include physicals and routine examinations, on-site X-rays and lab work, physical therapy and referrals to medical specialists from military hospitals and private medical practices. According to congressional budget records, the office is staffed by at least four Navy doctors as well as at least a dozen medical and X-ray technicians, nurses and a pharmacist.

Sources said when specialists are needed, they are brought to the Capitol, often at no charge to members of Congress.

Let's begin performing unauthorized medical experiments on Congress. I think it would even everything out. Maybe throw a tail on Joe Lieberman.

Things That Will End Well

I don't think there is a greater combination in the universe than guns and alcohol. They go together like pie and rape. Apparently, Arizona thinks so because the desert state that God doesn't want to exist has decided to allow guns in bars.

Yahoo.

The NRA-backed law, which takes effect today, allows those with a concealed weapons permit to bring guns into bars and restaurants.

Suck it, cowards. We're children and would very much like to play "Old West." We've seen movies!

The one stipulation that prohibits gun-toters from entering Arizona bars: if the establishment has a sign against them. So if there's a sign, you can't bring a gun in.

Boo. Why do you hate fun?

A person would be exempt if the sign banning guns had fallen down, the person wasn't an Arizona resident, or the notice was first posted less than a month earlier.

Yay! Just kick the sign down when you swing your bad ass through the door. You think a sign would have stopped Jesse James? Now grab a few whiskeys and get into a heated discussion!