Jan 4, 2010

Time To Take Back Teabagging

In the year of our Lord two thousand and nine, we witnessed the abrupt stealing of our precious name: Teabagger. Once we were admired, feared and really feared. When one heard the term "teabagger," they damn well knew what it meant. A man was going to squat over someone else and put his sack in their mouth.

It could have been wanted. Many a fella or lady has desired the soft, hairy bag in their eat hole. Others have had a scrotum hoisted upon their face as they slept in a drunken stupor (frat prank). Is it over at that point? Good God no. The scrotum is then repeatedly moved in an up and down motion, like one would with an impatient tea bag. Hilarity or sensuousness ensues.

Teabagging was an honorable label to have. Gay, straight, it did not matter. If you were a Teabagger, you lived on the edge. You were dangerous. It meant something. The greatest Teabaggers are artists. To drop one's sack into another's mouth, while gently squatting, leg muscles fully in control, all the way down to a soft awaiting tongue is a talent that should be respected. We have often demanded Teabagging be an event in the Olympics. But now? Respected? Feared?

No more.

In 2009, the name Teabagger was stolen from us by a group of clowns. Men who follow the least Teabaggiest man of all time: Glenn Beck. A Mormon and dry drunk. If he did any actual Teabagging in the past, he has certainly renounced it, as the Mormon underwear have no scrotum flap for easy Teabagging access. When one hears the term Teabagger now, he thinks of idiots wearing flag hats and prancing around with signs like this.



Sigh. If that man's balls ever ended up in someone's mouth, it would have been by accident. He is the new Teabagger. A talentless fool with the mind of a simpleton. He screams about too many taxes and has absolutely no knowledge of the actual functions of government. He probably cannot even complete one squat, let alone hover dangerously over another's mouth, knowing failure means a horrible anus to chin nightmare.

At the end of the year, Teabagger found itself on the New Oxford American Dictionary's 2009 Word of the Year Finalist List.

teabagger - a person who protests President Obama's tax policies and stimulus package, often through local demonstrations known as "Tea Party" protests (in allusion to the Boston Tea Party of 1773

It's like a knife stabbing right into the middle of my junk.

But we will not take this standing up. This year, real Teabaggers will fight to take our name back. We are and have always been the real Teabaggers. Our act has never been about taxes or presidents. It's about putting your balls in someone's mouth and nothing else. So, here are the ways we will take back Teabagging:

1) We will Teabag in public. For example, take your mate to the steps of your local courthouse, push him or her on the ground, drop your trousers and slip that bag into the moist hole. Then scream, "I am a Teabagger!"

2) Infiltrate the fake Teabagger groups. Pretend like you are angry about the president and his tax policies. Make up signs with misspelled racist language (Alabama Perch Monkey, etc.). Once you are in, you can attend their functions. Finally, when at a protest, make sure you speak to the media and let it be known that you insert your shriveled sperm pouch into other's mouths and know nothing about taxes.

3) Teabagger Forums. Hit up their message boards and subtly introduce what teabagging is actually all about. Post photos of actual Teabagging.

4) Bumper stickers and T-shirts. We will ship "Ask me about Teabagging" bumper stickers and T-shirts to anyone who requests one. The only stipulation is when asked, you must Teabag the questioner whether they want it or not.

5) Lobby Hollywood. Movies and television are the most powerful tools for ingraining ideas in American's brains. We need to speak to directors, writers and producers to get them to switch lovemaking scenes to teabagging scenes. Imagine how great and influential The English Patient would have been if, instead of lovemaking, Ralph Fiennes was dipping his bag into Kristin Scott Thomas' mouth and groaning, "Teabagggggg."

6) Talk to your grandparents. Many of these false teabaggers seem to be old. It's time to sit grandma and grandpa down and explain to them what teabagging actually means. If necessary, throw your junk down grandpa's oatmeal hole. Point made.

7) Protest the false Teabagger rallies with actual Teabagging. Show up at all of their ridiculous anti-tax rallies and drop your sack. Make it known this is who you are and they have taken your name. Try to cum.

That's where we are for now. I know we can take our label back. I wish you all luck.

7 comments:

Protoclown said...

This is one of the finest writings you have ever produced.

marvin said...

i definitely support this movement to take back teabagging. these anti-obama "teabaggers" are lame.

Anonymous said...

As soon as I saw

"It's like a knife stabbing right into the middle of my junk."

I realized it was the best thing I have ever read.

Anonymous said...

This truly is balls.

Inferno Silver said...

godspeed, brother, godspeed...

Anonymous said...

Sack Geithner.

Carol said...

Sending all my best wishes to your cause! Good luck!