Um. That's Not a Good Defense.

Maybe you've heard of Representative Eric Massa. He's "retiring" from the House. He also has been accused of groping male staffers. And now he's hitting the media circuit to defend his actions.

KING: It may be silly, but I guess we have to ask it, are your -- are you gay?

MASSA: Well, here's that answer, I'm not going to answer that.

KING: In -- in year 2010?

MASSA: Why don't you ask my wife, ask my friends, ask the 10,000 sailors I served with in the Navy.

Um. Dude. When conversing about whether or not one is gay, you shouldn't say "10,000 sailors." Ever.

Does it get better? Oh, yes.

Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress amid sexual harassment allegations, acknowledged Tuesday groping a staffer but described it as tickling, not sexual behavior.

Because, who doesn't tickle grown men?

"Now they're saying I groped a male staffer," Massa said. "Yeah, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday and it was kill the old guy."

Here are a few of the things you should not have mentioned in that one comment:

I did grope him.

I tickled him.

Four guys jumped on top of me.

Worst defense ever.

UPDATE:

Oh, dear.

According to Peter Clarke, a Navy shipmate, Massa was notorious for making unwanted advances toward subordinates. He tells the story of his friend Stuart Borsch, with whom Massa shared a hotel room while on leave during the first Gulf War. "Stuart's at the edge of the bed," Clarke says Borsch told him at the time, "and [Massa] starts massaging him. Massa said, 'You'll have to get one of my special massages.' He called them 'Massa Massages.'" Ron Moss, a Navy shipmate and Borsch's roommate, confirmed that Borsch told him this story at the time.

Um. Maybe change your story to: "Please don't talk to any of the 10,000 sailors I tried to diddle."

Thanks Roy!