Dec 11, 2009

Glenn Beck's The Christmas Sweater

Wow. Just fucking wow. I'll be doing a full review on later. For now, some tasty moments of horror.

Aside from causing two audience members in front of us to move and the two to my right to leave the theater completely, it was a horrible theater experience. As everyone knows, Glenn Beck is insane and pathetic. This film is a two hour twenty minute adventure into the basic stupidity that changed Glenn's live forever. He just tells it through the voice of a 12-year-old boy who is mad about not getting a bike, and then his mom dies, so he runs off and there's a storm and an old hobo helps him and then he makes it through the storm and wakes up to find out it was all a dream.

So fucking stupid. A shockingly simplistic allegory that makes one wish no one had ever thought up allegories in the first place. We may have seen the death of the extended metaphor last night.

The life changing moment is summed up in one amazing sentence: "Don't be afraid of the storm Eddie, be afraid of the corn." Bam. There it is. Go ahead and live your life now.

There are so many tears it is insane. There is so much sweating I'm surprised no one called a medic. Glenn's real life "storm" was alcoholism. I'm not sure what his corn was.

This is all from last year's The Christmas Sweater show - which we pull out of to reveal present day Glenn on another stage, surrounded by fans. Then Glenn takes us on a trip into Glenn Oprah Beck. In present day Glennland we get to meet people who have also walked through storms. Most of them appear to have eaten their way through, actually.

More tears.

Hints of the Apocalypse. (The big storm)

Insufferable nonsense.

In the end, I feel like I saved those people I drove from the theater.


Protoclown said...

Haha, awesome. What did you do to drive those people away? I must know!

Dave Anthony said...

The woman complained about me using my cell phone (I was Twittering). Instead of asking me to not use it, she went to the manager. He asked me to come into the hallway, so he could explain how horrible I was and warn me not to do it again.

When I returned, the woman said, "Good." I responded, "Oh, this is going to get so much worse for you now."

She and her man then left the theater.