Happy Fuck You Stupid Conservatives Day

Welcome to the Constitution.

Fat Drug Addict Doesn't Believe in the President's Birthday

So true. He is probably making up his birthday. It's probably in October. Because he wants to destroy America.

Noted Climatologist Pat Sajak Pens Solution to Global Warming

Well, we have been waiting and waiting and waiting for Pat Sajak to weigh in on the global warming denier situation. I'd say "debate" but only complete retards who read studies provided by companies like BP don't believe in global warming at this point.

And, as it turns out, Pat is one of those complete retards.

Manmade global warming, like so many other social and economic issues, has become hopelessly politicized.

Um. No. You can't politicize a reality. It's like saying gravity is hopelessly politicized.

Now, if those True Believers would give up their cars and big homes and truly change the way they live, I can’t imagine that there wouldn’t be some measurable impact on the Earth in just a few short years. I’m not talking about recycling Evian bottles, but truly simplifying their lives. Even if you were, say, a former Vice President, you would give up extra homes and jets and limos. I see communes with organic farms and lives freed from polluting technology.

SNAP! Oh, man, Sajak really brought the hammer down. What a fool-proof idea. Can't see any holes.

Then, when the rest of us saw the results of their actions—you know, the earth cooling, oceans lowering, polar bears frolicking and glaciers growing—we would see the error of our ways and join the crusade voluntarily and enthusiastically.

Hey, look at you! Casually making fun of the eventual extinction of polar bears. Tee hee.

And I hate to be a scold, but you have a special obligation to do it because you believe it so strongly. Then, instead of looking at isolated tree rings and computer models, you’d have real results to point to, and even the skeptics would see the error of their ways and join you.

Oh, I think you're confusing "be a scold" with "be a douchebag." Easy to do when making light of environmental devastation.

Oh, and you're a game show host.

Finally, Democrats Speak For The Billionaires

I think I remember a time when Democrats were the party of the working class, the middle class, the guy trying to get by. Holy shit are those days gone. Now they are just a "how can we rape you the hardest?" party.

Today, Senators Lieberman and Conrad came out in favor of extending the Bush tax cuts for the super rich. Because, you know, those tax cuts have worked out so well and we don't want anything getting in the way of the awesome Bush economy.

Today on CNBC, Conrad argued that now just isn’t the time to raise taxes on the wealthy:

We’ve got to be very careful with the timing of what we do. There’s no question in my mind that taxes have to go up on the wealthiest among us. The question is when. I don’t think this is the moment.

Oh, fuck no. Could you imagine if we made them pay the same percentage that, say, a janitor has to pay? What a fucking nightmare. The only way this country works is if rich people can fuck us every possible way and we take it.

LIEBERMAN: We got a long term debt problem as Bernanke said and we gotta begin to bring our government back into balance. Probably in the long term that gonna mean we’re gonna have some more people in higher income levels. But I think that right now, as we’re trying to come out of a bad economy, that would be a mistake. I don’t know if its two years, six months, whether it’s a year, to just hold over these tax cuts so theres more money in the hands of these busineses, small businesses which create most of the jobs, a lot of people are in those upper brackets running those small businesses let’s make sure the economy’s stronger before we start raising taxes again.

Totally. Because the whole lowering of taxes on the Rockefellers gave us nothing but an economic boom. I can't think of a time where we have had a better economy than the years 2000-present. Seriously, don't do anything to blow this.

Please stop voting for Democrats and Republicans. They fucking hate us.

Awesomest Ad

It's like rap but not rap. It's just horrible.

And that fucker's a natural runner. Looks so comfortable jogging about.

John Kerry Not Rich Enough

Democrats are fucking awesome.

Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry is docking his family's new $7 million yacht in neighboring Rhode Island, allowing him to avoid paying roughly $500,000 in taxes to the cash-strapped Bay State.

It's called representing your state.

If the "Isabel" were kept at the 2008 Democratic presidential nominee's summer vacation home on Nantucket, or in Boston Harbor near his city residence, he would be liable for $437,500 in one-time sales tax. He would also have to pay $70,000 in annual excise taxes.

Rhode Island repealed those taxes in 1993. That has made the state something of a nautical tax haven.

Kerry spokesman David Wade said Friday the boat is being kept at Newport Shipyard not to evade taxes, but "for long-term maintenance, upkeep and charter purposes."

You cannot get long term maintenance and upkeep in Massachusetts, where boats are raped on a regular basis.

Surprise. Arizona Economically Already Devastated by Insane Immigration Law

What a shock. Turns out of you go after people who make up 8% of your economy, you are fucked.

The vast shopping center that holds his small shop is almost empty. The Food City supermarket closed this spring. Then the furniture shop. Then the pizzeria.

Katchi's revenue was already sagging before April 23, when Gov. Jan Brewer signed SB 1070 into law. Since then, sales have plummeted.

When immigrants leave, Gans said, "stores experience dramatic drops in sales. Apartment owners who rent to immigrants have high vacancy rates and risk losing their buildings. Legal workers or renters or consumers don't generally step in quickly enough to prevent these businesses from experiencing real additional hardship."

But they are not just leaving. Those who stay aren't spending money. Because of fear.

"The economy's already bad, but on top of it [SB 1070] is like a bullet in the head to us," said Osameh Odeh, 35, whose Eden Wear clothing store was empty one recent afternoon. "People don't come out of their houses anymore."

I will enjoy watching the Arizona experiment play out.

I Picked Up a Horrible Foreign Illness

So, here, take this while I recover.

Sorry

Forgot to mention there would be a World Cup break. I'm off to South Africa.

Amazing Tea Party Asshole Part 32

Meet David Jungerman. He's a Missouri farmer who put up a sign along the highway about the horrible, horrible Democrats.

Accusing Democrats of being the “Party of Parasites."

Word. Parasites. Takers of other's money, feasting on this great nation like maggots on a corpse.

The Raytown farmer who posted a sign on a semi-truck trailer accusing Democrats of being the “Party of Parasites” received more than $1 million in federal crop subsidies since 1995.

But David Jungerman says the payouts don’t contradict the sign he put up in a corn field in Bates County along U.S. 71 Highway.

Oh, fuck no. How could anyone see that as contradictory?

Jungerman said he put up the sign to protest people who pay no taxes, but, “Always have their hand out for whatever the government will give them” in social programs.

Crop subsidies are different, he said. When crop prices dip below a certain point, the federal government makes up the difference with a subsidy payment.

Obviously, that is completely different than people who always have a hand out.

According to a farm subsidy data base, Jungerman received $1,095,101 in the past 15 years, including $224,763 in 2000. Last year, he received $34,303.

Yep. You are one of those givers.

Let us know when you realize you are retarded.

People Who Like To Be Raped

It's not often you run across a group of people who desperately want to be abused, shit on, slapped around and have their eyes gouged out. Sadly, we have a large group of people who love all those things and more. They are known as Tea Partiers, or Tea Baggers.

Currently, the Tea Baggers are mad at Obama for being mean to BP. Yes, the same BP who has destroyed a large portion of the American Gulf coastline. Those guys. Apparently, we should leave BP alone.

While Democrats denounce BP for the spill, a Republican congressman from Texas accuses the White House of performing a $20 billion "shakedown" by pushing the company to create a compensation fund for spill victims. Rep. Joe Barton also apologizes to BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward at a Capitol hearing, although he is later pressured by GOP leaders to apologize for his apology.

Yes. It's a "shakedown." They are innocent victims of the horrible, horrible, responsible government.

Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul of Kentucky said Friday that he was disturbed by Obama's promise to find out "whose ass to kick."

"I'll move past the obvious problem with the appropriateness of the comment to just say this: Look in the mirror Mr. President," Paul said in a statement. "This crisis has been a case study in failure to lead, failure to act, and using a crisis to advance your own agenda rather than solve the problem."

Unless, of course, the problem is small government and a lack of regulation, you son of a retard.

Erin Ryan, a tea party activist in Redding, Calif., said Barton was correct to use the word "shakedown."

"Wow," Ryan said. "Somebody finally said it out loud?"

Yes, but people say shit out loud all the time and it doesn't actually mean anything. For instance, I think your an imbecile and that doesn't mean...well, bad example. You're so stupid it's shocking.

Conservative talk show host Mark Williams, chairman of the California-based Tea Party Express, said the White House went too far by pressuring BP to create the fund while the Justice Department is conducting criminal and civil probes of the spill.

"I'm accustomed to mobsters behaving that way, I'm just not accustomed to it from the president, especially when he's standing there with the attorney general threatening legal action," Williams said. "Where I come from, they call it extortion."

How fucking stupid and sad can a group of human beings get? This is mindboggling. They are upset our government is doing its job and forcing a company (which agreed) to pay for the horrible, horrible disaster that is their fault.

They are upset the government is taking care of its people - because the government is being mean to A CORPORATION. How fucking backwards does your life have to be for you to become upset by the treatment of an oil company? Are oil companies not doing well? Are they having a hard time with all the government tax breaks and hundreds of billions of dollars? Were our invasions of two countries to get a hold on the world's oil supply not good enough? At what point do you think they've had a big enough break? Can they come into your home and rape you? Because they just destroyed the livelihood of hundreds of thousands of Americans, killed millions of sea creatures and left a large swath of water unusable to both man and fish. And you jackasses are upset we are being mean to them. If a nuclear bomb went off in Kansas, I'm sure you clowns would find a way to take it out to lunch.

So, just to sum up:

Government demanding a company pay for damages due to spill: Bad
Government collecting taxes to make roads, schools and libraries: Bad.
Government ensuring all citizens have healthcare: Bad.
Spending millions to bomb, invade and kill Muslims: Good.
All corporations: Good.

My Exchange With Todd Palin on Twitter

Just had a delightful exchange with Todd Palin on Twitter. He did not take my solutions of using the dead and wizards seriously.




I mean, come on, who doesn't think a magical wizard is the solution?

Talking a Break From Beach Assholing.

If you've ever been an complete asshole for 2 straight months, you know how taxing it can be. Whenever I go though one of those periods, I like to dash off to a yacht race.

BP chief executive Tony Hayward, often criticized for being tone-deaf to U.S. concerns about the worst oil spill in American history, took time off Saturday to attend a glitzy yacht race off England's Isle of Wight.

Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico to watch his boat "Bob" participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race.

Good luck, Bob, you horrible fucking cunt.

State Senator Gets "Pwned" by High School Kid

This is pretty fantastic.



Uh...I have to be somewhere that is not here.

Bestest Candidate Nominee!!!

As a rapid watermelon and mule fucker, this kind of stuff makes me sad.

Meet Georgia Creator's Rights Party candidate for governor, Neal Horsley. Here he is being interviewed by another human.

NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."

Colmes: There are a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and and I don't think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I'm saying?

NH: You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.

But not the rabbits. Please, not the rabbits.

Done there, you think. Neal must have come out and claimed it was a joke of some sort. Well, not in this follow up interview.

"We're talking about the mule now?"

Yes, he says. The mule.

"A small mule?" I ask.

"No, a full grown mule," he says. "She loved me, though."

We both laugh, but I'm still trying to figure out the logistics. How big is this thing? The size of a horse, he says.

"All I had to do was give her an ear of corn." He laughs again. "She was a [prostitute] mule."

"How did you reach?"

"I don't know... I stood on something. The kicker is, as soon as I was done she pissed all over me. It was embarrassing. I never told anyone that before."

And...it turned into a golden shower story. He fucked the piss out of a mule.

Well, that's a great story. I mean, you should be proud of yourself and tell the world as much as possible. Okay, Neal, thanks for the info and I'll see you aro...

"I've [screwed] a watermelon," he says.

Oh, God. Stop. Seriously. Just fucking stop fucking.

He's had sex with just about everything it's physically possible to have sex with, and some that isn't.

I really don't want to know about the things that aren't physically possible to have sex with. Please, please don't tell me you fucked an almond.

"How many times have I masturbated in my life?" he asks. Now he's 65 and orgasm-free for two years. "The bottom line is, I never treated it as if it were not a sin.

"
You even jerk off wrong.

Vote Neal Horsley in 2010! He will fuck your melons and donkeys and bags of pork rings and sandwiches and hamsters and tires and couches and ice cream and radishes and mufflers and burlap sacks and grapefruits and televisions and fire trucks and aprons and tin cans and drapes and lamps and rugs and coffee tables and ottomans and...now I'm just looking around the room...

BP Goes Full Evil

BP is my favorite villain. Although, it is weird that they will eventually kill Superman and Batman and Thor and Godzilla and, well, really, everything. Anyway, BP is doing some great work to deal with this spill situation, like hiring mercenaries to keep people off beaches.

BP, in a move destined to go down as one of the bestest public relations moves ever, has apparently hired a private security company to help to keep pesky reporters from covering the unfolding catastrophe on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. The report comes via New Orleans’ 6WDSU reporter Scott Walker, who last week ran into representatives of a “Talon Security” trying to block him from interviewing cleanup workers on a local beach. Just which of the various companies named “Talon Security” is storming the (public) beaches for BP, however, remains unclear.

Sounds awesome. I can't see how this might be a problem. Was BP done there? Oh, please.

BP has hired investment banks Blackstone Group, Goldman Sachs Group and Credit Suisse Group as advisers, a source familiar with the matter said, without identifying the purpose of the advice.

We are so fucking doomed.

Limbaugh's Fat, Naked Body To Slather Young Woman

Love is so wonderful.

Conservative radio man Rush Limbaugh is taking a fourth stab at marriage with a weekend wedding to Kathryn Rogers, an events coordinator 26 years his junior, according to various reports. Limbaugh, 59, will reportedly marry the 33-year-old Rogers at his Palm Beach compound.

That's 4 times he's saved the sanctity of marriage. The deaf drug addict is committed.

Dude Wins Best Politician Award!

South Carolina State Senator Jake Knotts is our newest hero. He was on the radio yesterday, talking about Democratic gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley. Her parents are Sikh immigrants.

"we already have one raghead in the White House, we don't need a raghead in the governor's mansion."

A strong reason not to vote for her. Could you imagine if there were two ragheads in charge of shit?

I enjoy the south. Please, keep it coming.

The World's Most Fantastic Asshole

I refuse to believe no one shit in her head.

2nd Podcast up

Web: http://bit.ly/9wAxaI

iTunes: http://bit.ly/9z4y5N