Kung Fucked.

The Carradine mystery unravels. We all know there is no way an actor would jerk off with a cord wrapped around his genitals and neck. Actors are really well put together people and they don't have issues. At all.

So, the answer can only be one thing: Mysterious underground Kung Fu murder.

A secret sect of kung fu assassins could have silenced actor David Carradine as he delved into their shadowy activities, according to his family's lawyer.

Totally. The family certainly would gladly accept that David jerk off'd himself in a closet, but

The lawyer said the actor's family refuses to believe he died in a sadomasochistic sex stunt gone wrong -- despite his being found naked with a rope tied around his neck, wrists and genitals.

Look, just because a guy has a rope tied round his neck, wrists and genitals, that doesn't mean that's what killed him. Obviously, it's a genitals frame job, which is very common in Hong Kong. Or should I say, Hung Kong. You know what I'm sayin'?