CNN Ticker Has Gone To Ticker Heaven

Sad. The incredibly annoying CNN ticker is gone. At 5 am today, it went to meet Jesus.

CNN's headline Ticker, a bottom-of-the-screen fixture since the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001, passed away before dawn Monday at the age of 7.

But, but, that's what we used to learn about all the rumors and lies on 9/11. How the fuck are we supposed to be scared without a fucking ticker!

I think the loss of a ticker means America should go to orange alert.

The CNN Ticker is survived by a cousin, identified as the Flipper by CNN Senior Vice President of Current Programming Bart Feder. Cleaner, clearer and more stylish, the Flipper took over after the Ticker was taken off life support Monday at 5 a.m., Chicago time.

YEAHHHHHH! IT'S THE FLIPPER, BITCH! FUCK YOU NON-FEAR!