Useless, Unimportant People Get Fake Married

Wow. This is exciting. As I type, my fingers tremble with excitement.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, the reality-TV couple whose on-again, off-again relationship has been chronicled by MTV's "The Hills" and celebrity magazines, appear on the Wednesday cover of Us Weekly with the headline "Heidi & Spencer Elope!"

But the couple acknowledged Wednesday that their wedding ceremony near Cabo San Lucas, Mexico — featured in a photo spread in the magazine — was symbolic, and not legally binding. At least not yet.

You tricksters! And to think my wife had to tell me who you were yesterday! Oh, and keep me updated, people without talent! I look forward to your future endeavors, you fantastic examples of everything wrong with America!

Try a fake honeymoon in Mumbai.