Nov 3, 2008

Election Prediction!

This is what will occur tomorrow. There will be no deviating from this prediction.

In order of when the states are called:

Kentucky goes first to McCain.
New Hampshire and Vermont go to Obama.
South Carolina goes to McCain.

The first hammer drops: Virginia goes to Obama.

Everyone is freaking out because Indiana is still too close to call. Someone at Fox News goes out for a bottle of scotch.

Hammer #2: Florida goes to Obama.

Election is declared over for McCain by the pundits at 8:30 pm.

Georgia and West Virginia go to McCain.
Hammer #3: Ohio goes to Obama.

Nobody notices the total absence of Ann Coulter on the news anymore.

Alabama, Kansas, Mississippi, Oklahoma, Texas and Tennessee go to McCain.

Many Christians think Jesus is turning this shit around. They are wrong – but what else is new?

Connecticut, Delaware, DC, Illinois, all of Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey and Pennsylvania go to Obama.

It’s so over. Obama cracks a beer. So do his daughters.

Then come the surprises.

North Carolina, Indiana and North Dakota go to Obama. Pundits are talking Reagan. A couple think “He’s the black Reagan,” but nobody says it out loud.

Arkansas goes to McCain. No one really notices.

Lou Dobbs brings up Obama’s illegal immigrant aunt.

Louisiana, Nebraska, South Dakota and Wyoming are immediately called for McCain. But, wait, there’s a surprise. Obama picks up one electoral vote out of Nebraska. It’s the most talked about electoral vote in the history of electoral votes. Chris Mathews shits his pants, bursts a blood vessel in his eyes and starts bleeding from his belly button.

Colorado is a disaster. Lawsuits are filed to keep polls open. Angry Obama supporters who were removed from voter rolls are gathering in the streets. Riot police are called in.

New York, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota and New Mexico are called for Obama. It’s a rout. Someone says, “Booooyaa.”

Missouri too close to call. No one cares. They can’t believe what has happened.

Arizona is too close to call. OH MY GOD. Pundits freaking out. McCain might lose his home state.

Iowa and Nevada are called for Obama.

Idaho and Utah are called permanently for white Republicans. They will no longer vote in elections and will always be considered a "gimme."

California, Hawaii, Oregon, Montana and Washington are called for Obama. A white guy in Florida shoots his black neighbor.

It’s officially over. The Colorado almost riot turns to a party.

Rush Limbaugh takes another Viagra. He's going to fuck the pain away.

Arizona goes to McCain. No one is paying attention.

Alaska, Missouri and Colorado aren’t coming in until late in the morning, but nobody cares. Still, they can’t believe how close Alaska is.

Sarah Palin makes the most horrifying speech in the history of politics.

1 comment:

Jeremy said...

This is my favorite thing you've written. Ever.