Stop All Monsters

Some Thoughts On Greg Giraldo

2010-09-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Greg Giraldo 1965-2010

As most of you probably know, Greg Giraldo passed away yesterday. He was, far and away, one of the best comedians working today. Every time I saw him perform, whether on television or live, I was always surprised at how smart and incisive his comedy was. The dude knew how to have a take on a subject and then how to crack that thing for every morsel. I would actually go as far as to say he was the smartest comedian working today. He tackled subjects intelligently, which is hard to do. You'll often see comics take on subjects that require intelligence to master, only for them to end it with a dick joke. Giraldo managed to get to the core of most subjects in hilarious and meaningful way. And he seemed to lose nothing when doing a set on television. That's a very difficult thing to do.

"We have a whole religion based on a woman who reeeally stuck to her story"

I met Greg when I was living in New York and he was one of the kindest comedians I have ever met. And that's an amazing thing to say because the vast majority of us are annoying or angry fucks, stumbling through life causing problems or bothering everyone with our self obsessed nonsense. Greg seemed to have none of that when you spoke to him. He was just a nice guy. He would just slide into a table with you while waiting to do a set and hang out. When I knew him, he lacked the sweaty desperation that clings to most of us like skin. He was quite aware of what he was, why he was getting the attention he was at that time and still focused on being the best stand up he could be. I've since read he considered himself to be a bit lazy but you'd never know it by the volume of fantastic material he churned out.

I'm not sure why Greg's death has knocked me down the way it has. Could be because it makes me look at my own failures. Could be because seeing a guy who was doing stand up so right and working so hard pass away so young is completely fucked up. Could just be because he was one of the nicest stand up comedians I've met. I am a man obsessed with justice and things being right. This is just so wrong I can't wrap my head around it.

The more I think about how great he was and how much more he would have contributed to the world of stand up, the more my mind goes back to sitting with him at a table in the restaurant above The Comedy Cellar. I was a regular there for a couple of years, as was Greg, so we often found ourselves together waiting to hit the stage. I think the reason I drift back to those moments when I'm thinking about his great stand up ability is because, above all, he was just a great person. And that's rare in the comedy world. He was really a rare comedian both on and off stage.

Everyone should have known his work when he was alive and they should certainly know it now that he is gone. Go seek out his work and check it out. He was mostly known for his attacks on the Comedy Central Roasts but he was so much more. We've lost something special.

Tumbleweeds

2010-08-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've discovered I'm over politics. I'm not sure what happened. I just don't give a fuck anymore. A large part of it was due to watching the Democrats completely destroy any semblance of our Democracy with the health care bill as the completely ignored the majority of Americans in favor of crafting a bill for corporations. I guess that was to be expected but when combined with the other blatant and horrible legislation rolling out of Washington, it's just a bit too much for me.

Then toss in the blind followers of Obama who will dig up any excuse/talking point to defend against legitimate criticism and I'm done. It's like no one has ever seen politics before. Guess what? You have to fight for shit and you have to fight hard. That's how it works. But at the end of the day, it's not that they don't want to fight hard, it's that they have no problem screwing the common man to make Goldman Sachs a couple more bucks. We want them to fight. They don't give a shit.

And, I know, I know, government has always been corrupt, blah blah blah. But it has never been this bad. Never. The fucking the working man over in favor of Wall Street is blatant and stunning. They used to try to hide this shit. No more. Now they do it and toss you a bone and expect you to like it. If you don't, well, you "just don't get the reality of the situation."

No, I do get the reality of the situation. Barack Obama and the Democratic Congress were handed a country in ruins. They were given the same opportunity domestically that Bush was given foreign policy wise after 9/11. The possibility to get something true and meaningful done. The possibility to really turn the ship. But they did no such thing, just as Bush after 9/11. The passed legislation list is long and appears great in their "win" column but in truth, it is mostly hollow and simply not what was needed. Something greater was needed. Something more bold.

I've never really been this disillusioned about the country. I really think we are completely fucked. And not like I did under Bush. To me, this is much worse because there will always be leaders who come along and totally blow it. They have been a part of history. But it's the guys who come after them who are supposed to fix things, change direction and alter the path of ruin. The Democrats have done no such thing. And now the Republicans have gone completely insane.

The Republican march to madness has allowed the Democrats to shift even further to the right, to a place where corporations are all that matters. It's a fucking disaster. There is no one looking out for the little guy anymore and that will not be changing anytime soon. This was the chance but the guy who took the reigns wasn't all that much better than the previous guy. At this point it is just a plunder of America.

Am I comparing Obama to Bush? No. They are two different leaders with two different overlords. But they both seem to me to be bad presidents. And the Democratic Congress is a pool of filth.

So, I'm pretty much done writing about politics. I won't vote for a Republican or Democrat for the rest of my life. I'm done.

Not sure where to go from here as far as the blog goes. I'll let you know.

Let It Wash Over You

2010-08-11T13:12:00.001-07:00

Hero

Um. No.

2010-08-06T07:52:00.000-07:00

Wow. Even for him. Wow.

Fox News Keeping It Blonde and White

2010-08-05T01:35:00.001-07:00

And they're all sooo smart!

Happy Fuck You Stupid Conservatives Day

2010-08-04T23:35:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the Constitution.

Fat Drug Addict Doesn't Believe in the President's Birthday

2010-08-03T23:12:00.001-07:00

So true. He is probably making up his birthday. It's probably in October. Because he wants to destroy America.

Noted Climatologist Pat Sajak Pens Solution to Global Warming

2010-07-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

Well, we have been waiting and waiting and waiting for Pat Sajak to weigh in on the global warming denier situation. I'd say "debate" but only complete retards who read studies provided by companies like BP don't believe in global warming at this point.

And, as it turns out, Pat is one of those complete retards.

Manmade global warming, like so many other social and economic issues, has become hopelessly politicized.

Um. No. You can't politicize a reality. It's like saying gravity is hopelessly politicized.

Now, if those True Believers would give up their cars and big homes and truly change the way they live, I can’t imagine that there wouldn’t be some measurable impact on the Earth in just a few short years. I’m not talking about recycling Evian bottles, but truly simplifying their lives. Even if you were, say, a former Vice President, you would give up extra homes and jets and limos. I see communes with organic farms and lives freed from polluting technology.

SNAP! Oh, man, Sajak really brought the hammer down. What a fool-proof idea. Can't see any holes.

Then, when the rest of us saw the results of their actions—you know, the earth cooling, oceans lowering, polar bears frolicking and glaciers growing—we would see the error of our ways and join the crusade voluntarily and enthusiastically.

Hey, look at you! Casually making fun of the eventual extinction of polar bears. Tee hee.

And I hate to be a scold, but you have a special obligation to do it because you believe it so strongly. Then, instead of looking at isolated tree rings and computer models, you’d have real results to point to, and even the skeptics would see the error of their ways and join you.

Oh, I think you're confusing "be a scold" with "be a douchebag." Easy to do when making light of environmental devastation.

Oh, and you're a game show host.

Finally, Democrats Speak For The Billionaires

2010-07-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

I think I remember a time when Democrats were the party of the working class, the middle class, the guy trying to get by. Holy shit are those days gone. Now they are just a "how can we rape you the hardest?" party.

Today, Senators Lieberman and Conrad came out in favor of extending the Bush tax cuts for the super rich. Because, you know, those tax cuts have worked out so well and we don't want anything getting in the way of the awesome Bush economy.

Today on CNBC, Conrad argued that now just isn’t the time to raise taxes on the wealthy:

We’ve got to be very careful with the timing of what we do. There’s no question in my mind that taxes have to go up on the wealthiest among us. The question is when. I don’t think this is the moment.

Oh, fuck no. Could you imagine if we made them pay the same percentage that, say, a janitor has to pay? What a fucking nightmare. The only way this country works is if rich people can fuck us every possible way and we take it.

LIEBERMAN: We got a long term debt problem as Bernanke said and we gotta begin to bring our government back into balance. Probably in the long term that gonna mean we’re gonna have some more people in higher income levels. But I think that right now, as we’re trying to come out of a bad economy, that would be a mistake. I don’t know if its two years, six months, whether it’s a year, to just hold over these tax cuts so theres more money in the hands of these busineses, small businesses which create most of the jobs, a lot of people are in those upper brackets running those small businesses let’s make sure the economy’s stronger before we start raising taxes again.

Totally. Because the whole lowering of taxes on the Rockefellers gave us nothing but an economic boom. I can't think of a time where we have had a better economy than the years 2000-present. Seriously, don't do anything to blow this.

Please stop voting for Democrats and Republicans. They fucking hate us.

Awesomest Ad

2010-07-26T23:43:00.000-07:00

It's like rap but not rap. It's just horrible.

And that fucker's a natural runner. Looks so comfortable jogging about.

John Kerry Not Rich Enough

2010-07-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

Democrats are fucking awesome.

Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry is docking his family's new $7 million yacht in neighboring Rhode Island, allowing him to avoid paying roughly $500,000 in taxes to the cash-strapped Bay State.

It's called representing your state.

If the "Isabel" were kept at the 2008 Democratic presidential nominee's summer vacation home on Nantucket, or in Boston Harbor near his city residence, he would be liable for $437,500 in one-time sales tax. He would also have to pay $70,000 in annual excise taxes.

Rhode Island repealed those taxes in 1993. That has made the state something of a nautical tax haven.

Kerry spokesman David Wade said Friday the boat is being kept at Newport Shipyard not to evade taxes, but "for long-term maintenance, upkeep and charter purposes."

You cannot get long term maintenance and upkeep in Massachusetts, where boats are raped on a regular basis.

Surprise. Arizona Economically Already Devastated by Insane Immigration Law

2010-07-23T09:56:00.000-07:00

What a shock. Turns out of you go after people who make up 8% of your economy, you are fucked.

The vast shopping center that holds his small shop is almost empty. The Food City supermarket closed this spring. Then the furniture shop. Then the pizzeria.

Katchi's revenue was already sagging before April 23, when Gov. Jan Brewer signed SB 1070 into law. Since then, sales have plummeted.

When immigrants leave, Gans said, "stores experience dramatic drops in sales. Apartment owners who rent to immigrants have high vacancy rates and risk losing their buildings. Legal workers or renters or consumers don't generally step in quickly enough to prevent these businesses from experiencing real additional hardship."

But they are not just leaving. Those who stay aren't spending money. Because of fear.

"The economy's already bad, but on top of it [SB 1070] is like a bullet in the head to us," said Osameh Odeh, 35, whose Eden Wear clothing store was empty one recent afternoon. "People don't come out of their houses anymore."

I will enjoy watching the Arizona experiment play out.

I Picked Up a Horrible Foreign Illness

2010-07-21T22:02:00.000-07:00

So, here, take this while I recover.

Sorry

2010-07-06T14:02:00.001-07:00

Forgot to mention there would be a World Cup break. I'm off to South Africa.

Amazing Tea Party Asshole Part 32

2010-06-22T22:39:00.000-07:00

Meet David Jungerman. He's a Missouri farmer who put up a sign along the highway about the horrible, horrible Democrats.

Accusing Democrats of being the “Party of Parasites."

Word. Parasites. Takers of other's money, feasting on this great nation like maggots on a corpse.

The Raytown farmer who posted a sign on a semi-truck trailer accusing Democrats of being the “Party of Parasites” received more than $1 million in federal crop subsidies since 1995.

But David Jungerman says the payouts don’t contradict the sign he put up in a corn field in Bates County along U.S. 71 Highway.

Oh, fuck no. How could anyone see that as contradictory?

Jungerman said he put up the sign to protest people who pay no taxes, but, “Always have their hand out for whatever the government will give them” in social programs.

Crop subsidies are different, he said. When crop prices dip below a certain point, the federal government makes up the difference with a subsidy payment.

Obviously, that is completely different than people who always have a hand out.

According to a farm subsidy data base, Jungerman received $1,095,101 in the past 15 years, including $224,763 in 2000. Last year, he received $34,303.

Yep. You are one of those givers.

Let us know when you realize you are retarded.

People Who Like To Be Raped

2010-06-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

It's not often you run across a group of people who desperately want to be abused, shit on, slapped around and have their eyes gouged out. Sadly, we have a large group of people who love all those things and more. They are known as Tea Partiers, or Tea Baggers.

Currently, the Tea Baggers are mad at Obama for being mean to BP. Yes, the same BP who has destroyed a large portion of the American Gulf coastline. Those guys. Apparently, we should leave BP alone.

While Democrats denounce BP for the spill, a Republican congressman from Texas accuses the White House of performing a $20 billion "shakedown" by pushing the company to create a compensation fund for spill victims. Rep. Joe Barton also apologizes to BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward at a Capitol hearing, although he is later pressured by GOP leaders to apologize for his apology.

Yes. It's a "shakedown." They are innocent victims of the horrible, horrible, responsible government.

Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul of Kentucky said Friday that he was disturbed by Obama's promise to find out "whose ass to kick."

"I'll move past the obvious problem with the appropriateness of the comment to just say this: Look in the mirror Mr. President," Paul said in a statement. "This crisis has been a case study in failure to lead, failure to act, and using a crisis to advance your own agenda rather than solve the problem."

Unless, of course, the problem is small government and a lack of regulation, you son of a retard.

Erin Ryan, a tea party activist in Redding, Calif., said Barton was correct to use the word "shakedown."

"Wow," Ryan said. "Somebody finally said it out loud?"

Yes, but people say shit out loud all the time and it doesn't actually mean anything. For instance, I think your an imbecile and that doesn't mean...well, bad example. You're so stupid it's shocking.

Conservative talk show host Mark Williams, chairman of the California-based Tea Party Express, said the White House went too far by pressuring BP to create the fund while the Justice Department is conducting criminal and civil probes of the spill.

"I'm accustomed to mobsters behaving that way, I'm just not accustomed to it from the president, especially when he's standing there with the attorney general threatening legal action," Williams said. "Where I come from, they call it extortion."

How fucking stupid and sad can a group of human beings get? This is mindboggling. They are upset our government is doing its job and forcing a company (which agreed) to pay for the horrible, horrible disaster that is their fault.

They are upset the government is taking care of its people - because the government is being mean to A CORPORATION. How fucking backwards does your life have to be for you to become upset by the treatment of an oil company? Are oil companies not doing well? Are they having a hard time with all the government tax breaks and hundreds of billions of dollars? Were our invasions of two countries to get a hold on the world's oil supply not good enough? At what point do you think they've had a big enough break? Can they come into your home and rape you? Because they just destroyed the livelihood of hundreds of thousands of Americans, killed millions of sea creatures and left a large swath of water unusable to both man and fish. And you jackasses are upset we are being mean to them. If a nuclear bomb went off in Kansas, I'm sure you clowns would find a way to take it out to lunch.

So, just to sum up:

Government demanding a company pay for damages due to spill: Bad
Government collecting taxes to make roads, schools and libraries: Bad.
Government ensuring all citizens have healthcare: Bad.
Spending millions to bomb, invade and kill Muslims: Good.
All corporations: Good.

My Exchange With Todd Palin on Twitter

2010-06-20T12:05:00.001-07:00

Just had a delightful exchange with Todd Palin on Twitter. He did not take my solutions of using the dead and wizards seriously.

I mean, come on, who doesn't think a magical wizard is the solution?

Talking a Break From Beach Assholing.

2010-06-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

If you've ever been an complete asshole for 2 straight months, you know how taxing it can be. Whenever I go though one of those periods, I like to dash off to a yacht race.

BP chief executive Tony Hayward, often criticized for being tone-deaf to U.S. concerns about the worst oil spill in American history, took time off Saturday to attend a glitzy yacht race off England's Isle of Wight.

Spokeswoman Sheila Williams said Hayward took a break from overseeing BP efforts to stem the undersea gusher in Gulf of Mexico to watch his boat "Bob" participate in the J.P. Morgan Asset Management Round the Island Race.

Good luck, Bob, you horrible fucking cunt.

State Senator Gets "Pwned" by High School Kid

2010-06-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

This is pretty fantastic.

Uh...I have to be somewhere that is not here.

Bestest Candidate Nominee!!!

2010-06-17T00:14:00.000-07:00

As a rapid watermelon and mule fucker, this kind of stuff makes me sad.

Meet Georgia Creator's Rights Party candidate for governor, Neal Horsley. Here he is being interviewed by another human.

NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."

Colmes: There are a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and and I don't think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I'm saying?

NH: You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.

But not the rabbits. Please, not the rabbits.

Done there, you think. Neal must have come out and claimed it was a joke of some sort. Well, not in this follow up interview.

"We're talking about the mule now?"

Yes, he says. The mule.

"A small mule?" I ask.

"No, a full grown mule," he says. "She loved me, though."

We both laugh, but I'm still trying to figure out the logistics. How big is this thing? The size of a horse, he says.

"All I had to do was give her an ear of corn." He laughs again. "She was a [prostitute] mule."

"How did you reach?"

"I don't know... I stood on something. The kicker is, as soon as I was done she pissed all over me. It was embarrassing. I never told anyone that before."

And...it turned into a golden shower story. He fucked the piss out of a mule.

Well, that's a great story. I mean, you should be proud of yourself and tell the world as much as possible. Okay, Neal, thanks for the info and I'll see you aro...

"I've [screwed] a watermelon," he says.

Oh, God. Stop. Seriously. Just fucking stop fucking.

He's had sex with just about everything it's physically possible to have sex with, and some that isn't.

I really don't want to know about the things that aren't physically possible to have sex with. Please, please don't tell me you fucked an almond.

"How many times have I masturbated in my life?" he asks. Now he's 65 and orgasm-free for two years. "The bottom line is, I never treated it as if it were not a sin.

"
You even jerk off wrong.

Vote Neal Horsley in 2010! He will fuck your melons and donkeys and bags of pork rings and sandwiches and hamsters and tires and couches and ice cream and radishes and mufflers and burlap sacks and grapefruits and televisions and fire trucks and aprons and tin cans and drapes and lamps and rugs and coffee tables and ottomans and...now I'm just looking around the room...

BP Goes Full Evil

2010-06-15T07:38:00.000-07:00

BP is my favorite villain. Although, it is weird that they will eventually kill Superman and Batman and Thor and Godzilla and, well, really, everything. Anyway, BP is doing some great work to deal with this spill situation, like hiring mercenaries to keep people off beaches.

BP, in a move destined to go down as one of the bestest public relations moves ever, has apparently hired a private security company to help to keep pesky reporters from covering the unfolding catastrophe on the beaches of the Gulf Coast. The report comes via New Orleans’ 6WDSU reporter Scott Walker, who last week ran into representatives of a “Talon Security” trying to block him from interviewing cleanup workers on a local beach. Just which of the various companies named “Talon Security” is storming the (public) beaches for BP, however, remains unclear.

Sounds awesome. I can't see how this might be a problem. Was BP done there? Oh, please.

BP has hired investment banks Blackstone Group, Goldman Sachs Group and Credit Suisse Group as advisers, a source familiar with the matter said, without identifying the purpose of the advice.

We are so fucking doomed.

Limbaugh's Fat, Naked Body To Slather Young Woman

2010-06-06T09:37:00.000-07:00

Love is so wonderful.

Conservative radio man Rush Limbaugh is taking a fourth stab at marriage with a weekend wedding to Kathryn Rogers, an events coordinator 26 years his junior, according to various reports. Limbaugh, 59, will reportedly marry the 33-year-old Rogers at his Palm Beach compound.

That's 4 times he's saved the sanctity of marriage. The deaf drug addict is committed.

Dude Wins Best Politician Award!

2010-06-03T22:42:00.000-07:00

South Carolina State Senator Jake Knotts is our newest hero. He was on the radio yesterday, talking about Democratic gubernatorial candidate Nikki Haley. Her parents are Sikh immigrants.

"we already have one raghead in the White House, we don't need a raghead in the governor's mansion."

A strong reason not to vote for her. Could you imagine if there were two ragheads in charge of shit?

I enjoy the south. Please, keep it coming.

The World's Most Fantastic Asshole

2010-06-01T23:51:00.000-07:00

I refuse to believe no one shit in her head.

2nd Podcast up

2010-05-31T23:38:00.000-07:00

Web: http://bit.ly/9wAxaI

iTunes: http://bit.ly/9z4y5N

Why Spill Cleanup Workers Are Getting Sick

2010-05-31T13:40:00.001-07:00

It's not because of the oil or the dispersant, it's more because it's like Woodstock.

Please don't shit in the food because you're making the people cleaning up toxic waste sick.

Palin is Where She Belongs

2010-05-28T12:36:00.001-07:00

Oh sweet Jesus. This guy is a classic fucking moron.

If you're ever lucky enough to be in Afghanistan, Gunnery Sgt. Benjamin Lepping’s left butt cheek has a special surprise.

Sarah Palin.

Yep. He's got a wonderful tattoo of Sarah Palin on his ass, conveniently located very close to his anus.

Or, as Lepping puts it, "the hottest cougar in the Republican Party."

Well, then, throw up a horrible version of her face on your ass. I can't see how she wouldn't be flattered. Nothing gets a woman to drop her pants quicker than her face on your shit area.

Stay classy, soldier. And good luck to your future wife.

First A Tsunami and Now This...

2010-05-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

Indonesia's Aceh province was wiped out by a tidal wave four years ago and now something even more horrible has arrived - a complete lack of camel toes.

Authorities in a devoutly Islamic district of Indonesia's Aceh province have distributed 20,000 long skirts and prohibited shops from selling tight dresses as a regulation banning Muslim women from wearing revealing clothing took effect Thursday.

Like a dagger through the heart of every 12 year old boy.

During raids Thursday, Islamic police caught 18 women traveling on motorbikes who were wearing traditional headscarves but were also dressed in jeans. Each woman was given a long skirt and her pants were confiscated. They were released from police custody after giving their identities and receiving advice from Islamic preachers.

That denim is too close to your vagina and ass, miss. Put on a skirt so when you ride your motorbike, it blows up and gives everyone a complete shot of your junk.

I AM SO CLOSE!

2010-05-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

Regular readers of this blog will know I made one prediction in January: That we would be attacking Mexican cartels with aerial drones before the year was up.

I'm now tingling all over.

Check out this letter from Arizona Governor Horrible Racist to President Obama.

"I would also ask you, as overseas operations in Iraq and Afghanistan permit, to consider wider deployment of UAVs [Unmanned Aerial Vehicles] along our nation's southern border. I am aware of how effective these assets have become in Operations Iraqi and Enduring Freedom, and it seems UAVs operations would be ideal for border security and counter-drug missions."

I may be the smartest blogger in the world. And I don't think that's overstating this.

My New Podcast

2010-05-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

Tried to do a Stop All Monsters podcast but quickly became bored and uninterested in hearing me talk to me. I did one episode. That was enough. I really had no interest in doing interviews because they are a pain to schedule and that's what every comic is doing on their podcast.

Then I thought of my old friend Greg Behrendt. Greg and I go way back. We started doing stand up together in San Francisco and have stayed close since. I worked on his talk show and at one time we actually had our own internet/barely on terrestrial radio show. We have a good time together.

Now Greg has been known for writing a book and being on Oprah and that sort of nonsense but he's looking to sort of leave that behind and get back to his roots: Just straight up comedy. So, I approached Greg and we decided to start doing a podcast.

And this is the first one. Hope you like it. We'll start to figure it out more and more as we go along.

Walking The Room starring Greg Behrendt and Dave Anthony

RSS feed is here for those of you who want to subscribe to this mess.

Say No More

2010-05-23T12:00:00.001-07:00

Obama - On The Ball

2010-05-23T10:42:00.001-07:00

Get mad at the press for your failure.

Well done.

How To Handle The Census

2010-05-22T23:22:00.000-07:00

If there is something I would die for, it would be to not fill out the census. The idea what my community would know how many hospital beds are needed, or firemen, or Congressional representation is so upsetting I am shaking as I write this. Please stop doing this unAmerican act that Americans have been doing for 220 years.

And if the government won't stop...

A routine visit by a U.S. Census Worker on Thursday evening turned deadly when Yuba City police officers shot and killed a woman they said had first threatened the worker with a gun, then later confronted officers with a shotgun.

You ain't gonna count me. I'd rather be dead than anonymously counted so my town will have some fucking library or a new freeway or know where to build a school.

Oh, Randy...

2010-05-22T09:36:00.001-07:00

Rahm Emanuel Helps the Peace Process

2010-05-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

What a fucking tool.

White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel's plan to hold his son's bar mitzvah at the historic Western Wall in Jerusalem has run into problems from two different directions.

On one hand, according to ABC News, the site lies within the Old City of Jerusalem, which the United States considers to be occupied territory. US officials are discouraged from spending time there except in an official capacity.

Yeah, good job, you entitled piece of shit. Get your personal business all up in there, after all, you are only the President's right hand man.

"“I think he is worse than Hamas," Ben Gvir said of Emanuel. "If the kid would come alone to the Wall without his father, we would be happy and we wouldn’t complain. But with all that Rahm Emanuel has done against the People of Israel and Land of Israel, we would have no choice but to demonstrate.”

Oh, good.

Fuck I hate Emanuel.

And We Get Closer....

2010-05-17T07:50:00.001-07:00

To my prediction of drones attacking cartels in Mexico before the end of the year...

Who would have thought they'd use terrorism laws against us?

Well, This Isn't Right

2010-05-15T23:17:00.000-07:00

Finger On The Pulse

2010-05-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

Mississippi has an awesome governor. I can't see how the state's response to the oil spill can go wrong.

Mississippi's Haley Barbour, a well-connected former Washington lobbyist, has calmly said the oil slick looming offshore is just a sheen in most places and there's no reason for people to panic.

It's actually going to make the water all shiny and prettier.

Oil has not started washing up on shore in any large quantities, and Barbour likened much of the spill to the gasoline sheen commonly found around ski boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

You, sir, are clearly the man Mississippi needs in charge right now.

McCain Gets All Real and Shit

2010-05-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

He is. He really is.

Aside from his 100's of millions of dollars and uncountable houses.

Yay?

2010-05-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Um.

"What you can expect generally is no taxes and terrible cuts, absolutely terrible cuts," said Schwarzenegger press secretary Aaron McLear. "We're not going to get through the deficit we have without some really tough decisions and some really terrible cuts."

Oh. Great. I was worried you guys might raise taxes on the oil companies, who get to drill without paying taxes, or maybe tax luxury items like yachts. But, yeah, let's keep cutting until people are rioting in the streets. Teachers and cops and nurses are all fucking parasitic assholes anyway.

Bestest Politician Nominee is Back!

2010-05-12T10:00:00.001-07:00

Oh, one of our favorites has returned. Who can forget former New York GOP Rep. Vito Fossella?

Who opted not to seek reelection in 2008 after his arrest for driving while intoxicated exposed the married father of three as having a second family in Virginia

To be fair, that was hard to shoehorn into a campaign slogan. But he's back! Because it only takes two years for people to forget that a dude was double married.

According to sources familiar with his thinking, in recent weeks — with the kickoff for ballot petitions fast approaching and the political climate unsettled nationwide — Fossella has been weighing a run for the seat currently held by Democratic Rep. Mike McMahon.

He just needs to talk it over with his two families before he makes a final decision.

I'm on WTF w/Marc Maron

2010-05-06T07:53:00.000-07:00

Today's podcast is up and yours truly is on it.

Not sure if it's shameful or not. Don't remember that much of what I said, which usually means I said something horrible.

No politics. Aren't we all bored with politics, anyway?

Did Jesus Rent Boys?

2010-05-04T12:24:00.001-07:00

I don't remember seeing anything in The Bible about that. But maybe George Alan Rekers did, since he knows more about The Bible.

For decades, George Alan Rekers has been a general in the culture wars, though his work has often been behind the scenes. In 1983, he and James Dobson, America's best-known homophobe, formed the Family Research Council, a D.C.-based, rabidly Christian, and vehemently anti-gay lobbying group that has become a standard-bearer of the nation's extreme right wing.

He has also influenced American politics, serving in advisory roles with Congress, the White House, and the Department of Health and Human Services and testifying as a state's witness in favor of Florida's gay adoption ban.

Rekers has published papers and books by the hundreds, with titles like Who Am I? Lord and Growing Up Straight: What Families Should Know About Homosexuality.

Sounds like a man with a strong moral compass and an eternal burning flame for Jesus.

On April 13, the "rent boy" arrived at Miami International Airport on Iberian Airlines Flight 6123, after a ten-day, fully subsidized trip to Europe. He was soon followed out of customs by an old man with an atavistic mustache and a desperate blond comb-over, pushing an overburdened baggage cart.

That man was George Alan Rekers, of North Miami — the callboy's client and, as it happens, one of America's most prominent anti-gay activists. Rekers, a Baptist minister who is a leading scholar for the Christian right, left the terminal with his gay escort, looking a bit discomfited when a picture of the two was snapped with a hot-pink digital camera.

Stunning. I am just shocked that a right wing anti-gay nut was blowing his nut into a male prostitute for 10 days.

Reached by New Times before a trip to Bermuda, Rekers said he learned Lucien was a prostitute only midway through their vacation. "I had surgery," Rekers said, "and I can't lift luggage. That's why I hired him."

Seriously. I thought "rent boy" literally meant I could rent a boy to help me with luggage. It was just a coincidence that his anus was like a hot tub suction hole. He didn't even tell me until I was inside him.

Yet Rekers wouldn't deny he met his slender, blond escort at Rentboy.com — which features homepage images of men in bondage and grainy videos of crotch-rubbing twinks — and Lucien confirmed it.

To be fair, I think most people assume a guy rubbing his cock on a webpage full of men in leather meant he was good at carrying luggage.

Funny

2010-05-04T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hold On To Your Assholes

2010-05-03T23:32:00.001-07:00

Do you remember when we had that little economic crash way back in 2008? Yeah, that was nothing. Shit's going to hit the fan. Big time.

Why?

How about a rate hike by the Fed and the escalating sovereign debt crisis in Europe and the collapse of China’s credit bubble economy and a peak cheap oil recession?

Not just one of those - all four - at once.

2013.

Get ready, it's going to be some serious shit.

Please Tell Me He Didn't Fuck It

2010-05-03T10:35:00.000-07:00

Um.

A man from the eastern Germany state of Saxony man is so in love with his ailing cat that he has reportedly married her.

So nice. Now the cat can die in peace.

Postal worker Uwe Mitzscherlich decided to marry his 15-year-old black and white cat Cecilia because she may not have long to live, daily Bild reported on Monday.

“Cecilia has such a trusting nature,” Mitzscherlich told the paper. “Between us there is an inner bond, a harmony of hearts – it’s unique.”

Oh, God. You're fucking her, aren't you?

The two met some 10 years ago when he was vacationing on the Baltic Sea coast.

Was she also vacationing? Or was she a local? "Hello, I am Uwe." "Meow."

Dressed in a tuxedo with a top hat, the groom held his bride, who wore a tiny wedding gown. The ceremony was complete with flowers, a wedding march, vows and a kiss.

Followed by a cat rape.

90% Chance He Fights It

2010-05-03T10:32:00.001-07:00

There is now way this panther gets out of this alive.

Standing on the other side of the fence was Russian prime minister, and animal lover, Vladimir Putin, who smiled broadly.

Leopard The rare Persian leopard is one of two that Iran recently gifted to Russia in exchange for two Amur, or Siberian, Tigers. Putin was on hand to open an enclosure for Russia’s new cats, the second of which was too ill to come out, according to Russia Today.

"Ill?" Right. More like scared out of its mind. Putin will kick the shit out of it.

Tough guy Putin is an unlikely environmentalist but has spearheaded efforts to protect Russia’s endangered tigers, famously shooting one on a monitoring trip in 2008 with a tranquilizer dart when it escaped. Russian TV later claimed he saved the visiting camera crew from a mauling.

Of course he did.

Bestest Politician Nominee

2010-05-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, this dude wins.

Masked professional wrestler The Great Sasuke has won the Iwate Prefectural Assembly seat he was seeking, snaring more votes than any other candidate.

The Great Sasuke announced that he would continue to wear his mask during prefectural assembly meetings to prevent revealing his true identity.

Yes. Please. More.

"I want to do my best to combat medical problems and eradicate child abuse," The Great Sasuke, who was endorsed by the Liberal Party, said from a makeshift wrestling ring set up in his campaign headquarters.

What else would he have in his campaign headquarters? And good luck eradicating child abuse. I don't see how you can't.

Eventually Japan will be attacked by a monster and this dude should have risen to president by then.

This Is Kind Of Like My Life Right Now

2010-05-02T23:53:00.000-07:00

Get On It

2010-04-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

If you don't lick those things, I will.

Get on that shit, big boy.

George Will Goes All Gardener On Mexicans

2010-04-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

George Will is a classic rich, white douchebag. And because of that he doesn't want other white people getting up in Arizona's business.

Non-Hispanic Arizonans of all sorts live congenially with all sorts of persons of Hispanic descent. These include some whose ancestors got to Arizona before statehood — some even before it was a territory. They were in America before most Americans’ ancestors arrived. Arizonans should not be judged disdainfully and from a distance by people whose closest contacts with Hispanics are with fine men and women who trim their lawns and put plates in front of them at restaurants, not with illegal immigrants passing through their back yards at 3 a.m.

Uh. Yeah. Some of us actually have Hispanic friends. I actually went to college with some Hispanic people, if you can imagine that. They pretended to know how to read and everything.

George, you are a enormous piece of shit. Please figure out how to rape yourself.

And, no, I'm not linking to that douchebag's article because it will drive up hits.

Get Ready For A Dog Fuckers Protest

2010-04-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Florida is going to try to make beastiality illegal. Again. They've tried before but the bill always stalls out, unlike when they made gay marriage illegal and when they made it illegal for gays to adopt children.

The Florida Senate is taking another shot at passing the long overdue law prohibiting sex with animals.

The law, unanimously passed by the Senate on Monday, would make it a first-degree misdemeanor to commit bestiality, with a penalty of up to a year in jail.

The Senate had passed a similar bill last year, but it fizzled out before it came before the House. A House bill has a similar measure but it has yet to be debated.

Um. I'll vote on this but first I want to take my goat to Jacksonville for the weekend.

Dog fucking has become a serious problem in Florida, as you can see here.

We previously blogged about the Mossy Head guy.

And the woman who had sex with a dog -- and taped it.

Then there was the culinary student that had sex with his dog.

The the pit bull that was sexually assaulted. Yes, someone had sex with a pit bull.

And lastly, the the Palm Coast woman who adopted shelter dogs just so she could have sex with them.

Although, I gotta hand it to the lady who adopted dogs to fuck them. That's pretty awesome. Talk about wanting it.

Good luck, Florida! We're all hoping you are able to make hamster fucking as illegal as two people of the same sex getting married.

How To Do Government

2010-04-28T11:27:00.000-07:00

Ukraine knows what the fuck is up. The country was debating whether to ratify an agreement to extend the lease on a Russian naval base on the Crimean Peninsula in Ukraine by 25 years.

Lawmakers pelted the podium with eggs and catcalls before stalking across the aisle, putting their colleagues in headlocks and engaging in other tactics not exactly covered by Robert’s Rules of Order. Smoke bombs were set off in the chamber. Glue was poured into voting machines. The legislative leader directed the session behind umbrellas held by his aides, to protect him from projectiles.

Ukraine the shit out of it!

As it should be.

Fox Gets Palined

2010-04-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

It's like a tard ball bouncing all over the place. Palin, talking to Sean Hannity on Fox News last night:

"One of the media outlets the other day just-was killing me on this one, Sean, where they had a caption across their screen that said Arizona law will make it illegal to be an illegal immigrant? Some bizarre type of headline like that where it was just this illustration that they just don't get it."

Oh my God! What horrible, lame media company did that?

Oops.

Bad Thing

2010-04-26T19:37:00.000-07:00

Our modern day media is an interesting thing. You get to know people all over the world and they become friends. You can do this through the internet or, in this instance, video games. There's a guy whom I originally knew as "Arctic Circle." We met while playing Halo and a few of us started teaming up every night to play together. As time goes on, you learn more and more about your fellow teammates. Arctic's real name is Chuck. He has three kids, two of them twins. He lived in Alaska near where the Earth spanned the horrible Sarah Palin.

A couple of days ago, one of our group sent me a message on XBox Live. Chuck had gone missing in the Alaskan wilderness. He went out snow machining and hasn't been seen since.

Chris would have been riding with his younger brother and the others on Saturday, but that morning the handlebar on his machine snapped.

The rest of the crew left him behind at the cabin where they were staying, roaring off with the brothers' stepfather leading the way and Chucky riding a machine he'd bought only recently.

"I'm usually the last rider out there to make sure nobody get left behind," Chris said, but on Saturday Chucky brought up the rear. The older men Chucky was following told troopers they last saw him riding away from the cabin in the opposite direction. Chris said he thinks it's more likely they simply ran too fast for Chucky to keep up.

Weather hammered the search from the beginning. A trooper helicopter could only get up in the air on some of the days, and deep wet snow made travel difficult for the searchers on snowmachines.

"We got over 28 inches of snow since the search started," said Sgt. Troy Shuey, supervisor of the trooper post in Talkeetna.

Chucky, whose full name is Charles Palmer Jr., leaves behind three daughters: a 9-year-old and twin 10-year-olds.

Chucky's father, Chuck Palmer Sr., said he sometimes wished he could have been the kind of caring father Chucky was. Chucky would comb his daughters' hair, read to them, just talk to them, Chuck said.

After riding the hills for days searching for his brother, Chris said he feels like he's barely keeping it together.

"My brother's out there fucking starving," Chris said. "How am I going to eat?"

On Wednesday night the brothers' mother, Lisa Rearick, was at her home in Wasilla. When asked about her middle son, she answered in a very small voice.

"We're still praying for a miracle. We haven't given up hope," she said.

Sounds like Chuck is gone. He was a really nice guy and a father of young kids. Very sad.

Step It Up

2010-04-26T11:57:00.001-07:00

So, when do we make Mexicans wear little brown triangles on their shirts?

Let's just cut to the chase and get right down to some 1936 Germany shit.

Happy Earth Day

2010-04-22T23:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Old People, You're Not Doing It Right

2010-04-22T08:08:00.001-07:00

Ruh Roh.

Looks like a few countries need a World War to thin the heard.

No One Will Forget The Day Biden Lost His Shit

2010-04-21T09:12:00.001-07:00

So sad. He just kept screaming about rabbits until the led him away.

Hey, Don't Do...What We Do. Or. Shit.

2010-04-19T11:16:00.001-07:00

So, um, this is wrong when you do it.

Hundreds of Sunni men disappeared for months into a secret Baghdad prison under the jurisdiction of Prime Minister Nouri Maliki's military office, where many were routinely tortured until the country's Human Rights Ministry gained access to the facility, Iraqi officials say.

We get to torture. You don't. When you do it, it's wrong.

Okay?

Tea Party Photo Memories

2010-04-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

The Tea Partiers decided to hold a protest on the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing. Classy. So, here's a pretty picture to illuminate what they believe in.

The children's pre-school is down at the bottom.

Today's Dumb Asshole Award Goes To...

2010-04-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

Powerline! Never heard of this blog but it appears to be written by an amazingly misinformed idiot - or a straight up liar.

Remember when Democrats used to criticize George W. Bush for golfing at the wrong time? Maybe there was a crisis somewhere; maybe someone had died in combat; maybe legislation was being debated on the Hill. It didn't matter. Every time Bush golfed, the Democrats woofed. So it is interesting to see that Barack Obama went golfing today rather than attending the funeral of Polish President Lech Kaczynski and his wife, Maria. This is the 32nd time Obama has golfed since taking office less than a year and a half ago.

Wow. I can't believe our president didn't fly into the volcanic death cloud. What a total asshole. The best way to show your remorse for a president dying in a plane accident is to die in a plane accident.

Powerlie!

Crazy Man Allowed To Speak Into Microphone

2010-04-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like they were asking for trouble when the Tea Partiers gave Tom Tancredo a microphone and said, "Have at it."

Tancredo, who ran for the Republican presidential nomination in 2008, said that Americans are "going to have to pray that we can hold on to this country."

He added, referring to President Obama: "If his wife says Kenya is his homeland, why don't we just send him back?"

Snap! Hey, let's send all the black people back! Who's with me? I mean, not in a racist way, more in like a "no taxes" way. Taxes are bad and a black man is running the show, so send him back to Africa. Am I right?

How dare you call me racist.

RIP Daryl Gates

2010-04-16T13:38:00.000-07:00

You were one hell of a police chief. Los Angeles misses you.

Seriously, nice work.

Vote For Glenn Beck's New Book Cover!

2010-04-15T00:07:00.001-07:00

Glenn has a new book coming out. It's called The Overtan Window. I'm sure it's about how liberals are going to dig up Lincoln's body and rape it but that's not the point. The point is, YOU can vote on which cover he should use!

Subtle. Not in any way creepy. Totally normal.

Limbaaaarg

2010-04-13T14:53:00.000-07:00

Jesus, Rush Limbaugh is a relentless idiot. Today he opened his fat hole and spewed out some nonsense about the West Virginia mine disaster.

Was there no union responsibility for improving mine safety? Where was the union here? Where was the union? The union is generally holding these companies up demanding all kinds of safety. Why were these miners continuing to work in what apparently was an unsafe atmosphere?

I'm going to take a stab at this and say it was because the mine wasn't unionized. Which means, there was no union.

And that makes you a stupid, fat, drug addict, racist, sex freak, four-time divorced tool.

This is exactly the kind of shit that happens when mines aren't unionized. No one fights for their safety and they die.

Voight Breaks It Down

2010-04-13T11:51:00.001-07:00

I can't imagine why Angelina Jolie stopped talking to him.

Bestest Candidate Nominee!!!

2010-04-12T15:27:00.001-07:00

Meet Republican Senate candidate Sue Lowden. I love a lady who knows how to get a bargain! Especially when it comes to cancer treatment or sewing up a bleeding wound.

And if you want to save $20,000, good for you. Save it pre-tax."

"And I would have suggested, and I think that bartering is really good. Those doctors who you pay cash, you can barter, and that would get prices down in a hurry. And I would say go out, go ahead out and pay cash for whatever your medical needs are, and go ahead and barter with your doctor."

But, that's only IF you want to save 20K. If you don't want to, then just, you know, pay the $120,000 in cash.

Other options include trading some of your gold bars for that kidney you need, or hand over your box o'pearls for that iron lung. And for those emergency situations in which you find yourself unconscious, have a money roll implanted in your chest cavity so doctors will find it when they open you up.

Seriously, people, just think about it.

Sue Lowden, 2010. Money comes out of her asshole.

Not Sure If It's Too Late

2010-04-12T14:24:00.000-07:00

But one of you should jump on this shit.

Apache Pilot Weapon Guide

2010-04-09T14:58:00.001-07:00

Sausages and Black People

2010-04-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

America is fucking fantastic.

hat tip - Mr. Patton Oswalt

Quitter

2010-04-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Justice John Paul Stevens, a Republican-appointed justice who emerged as a leader of the Supreme Court's liberal wing over his 34-year tenure, announced his retirement Friday.

The announcement was not a surprise, but the timing was. Stevens, 89, was widely expected to wait until after the high court's oral arguments concluded at the end of the month. He will step down when the court's term ends in June or July.

Way to walk away when the going gets tough.

Coward.

Now, how much do you want to bet Obama picks a nominee that freaks out the right wing because he/she is "radically liberal" only to later learn the nominee is a corporate shill who will fuck us for generations? It's the standard Obama playbook. Put something conservative out there, wait for the right wing to freak out, then the left jumps up in defense and Obama chuckles as the country becomes more conservative nonsense passes through.

Fat Guy Mad At Stuff

2010-04-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

So, this guy was upset. His name is Larry Eugene North and this is another reason not to name your child Larry Eugene.

An East Texas man who federal prosecutors allege left explosive devices including pipe bombs in multiple area mail boxes, was motivated in part by anger at the government, Brit Featherston, first assistant U. S. attorney for the Eastern District of Texas tells TPMmuckraker in a phone interview.

The AP, which reports that stories about explosives showing up in mail boxes began about a month ago, has more context:

The first reports of incendiary devices in mailboxes involved bottles containing flammable liquids and wicks, authorities said. Devices resembling pipe bombs then started turning up, which raised the sense of danger felt by 27-year-old Longview resident Robert Ziemba. One pipe bomb was found in a mailbox on a busy street in Longview.

Notice he didn't try to blow up any pies.

Jesus. Don't look it in the eyes.

Seriously?

2010-04-06T10:21:00.001-07:00

With all the shit going on in the world, some fucking rabbit gets to meet the Pres.

Fuck that.

Who The Fuck Are You?

2010-04-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

John Edwards' mistress will be appearing on Oprah during sweeps week!

The National Enquirer has learned that John Edwards mistress, Rielle Hunter will appear on Oprah Winfrey’s nationally-syndicated show in the May sweeps. It’s the second stop on the 2010 Rielle Hunter Mistress Rehabilitation Media Tour.

Oh my God! It's so exciting! When I read it I had to Google her because I didn't know who she was! And I don't care!

That vagina is earning its keep.

Really Great Guy

2010-04-02T15:27:00.000-07:00

This gentleman was outside of the UCLA Health Center today screaming about abortion. He was pretty not enjoyable.

Of course, I approached him and asked him what he thought of all those football players who touch pigskin on the Sabbath. He did not seem to think it was a big deal.

Abortion is the slaughter of innocents. Jesus said not to slaughter innocents.

So, I asked him...

You must really be against the Iraq War, then?

His response: Abortion is the slaughter of innocents!

I queried: So, you must really, really be against the Iraq War.

His response: Abortion is the slaughter of innocents.

I then politely told him he was a hypocrite and full of shit and moved on.

Then he took a break and let his kid yell for a while.

Bestest Candidate Nominee!

2010-04-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

They really know how to make them in Idaho. Governor hopeful Rex Rammel is, maybe, my favorite candidate of all time. A couple of years ago he joked about seeking a license to hunt Obama.

Oh, but that's nothing. A few years ago, Rex ran for the Senate. Out of spite. He was upset that then acting Governor Jim Risch had ordered some of Rammell's elk to be shot because they were unlicensed and could spread disease. Rammell actually held a sit in. ON TOP OF A DEAD ELK.

Rammell allegedly assaulted a young hunter for killing an escaped bull elk and was cited Sept. 29 for obstruction of justice after sitting on the carcass of a bull elk and refusing to get up when asked by conservation officers with the Idaho Department of Fish and Game.

Rammell was acquitted of the obstruction of justice charge. He successfully argued the dead elk was his property and he could do what he wanted with it. He does not, sadly, use a picture of himself lying atop a dead elk as his campaign photo.

So, what's Rammell up to today? He's loving the militia movement! (Fantastic timing!)

"It's because of the current administration's politics -- the more they force upon the states, the more noise there is," he says. "The more concern people have, the less freedom there is. Lots of Idahoans believe the health care bill is very intrusive on our individual rights. ... We are not going to allow them to come into the state and make what we believe are unconstitutional mandates. Even if they can get them passed in D.C., we are not going to all that to happen. These guys want to show a little force behind the scene... I don't have a problem with that."

Also, I'm running for Governor! Sedition and Dead Elk Sitting - Vote for Rammell!

OH, so good.

2010-04-01T15:43:00.001-07:00

Future Drone Watch

2010-04-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

I'll stick with my prediction that we will be using drones to attack the Mexican drug cartels before the end of the year.

Dozens of gunmen mounted rare and apparently coordinated attacks targeting two army garrisons in northern Mexico, touching off firefights that killed 18 attackers.

The attempts to blockade soldiers inside their bases – part of seven near-simultaneous attacks across two northern states – appeared to mark a serious escalation in Mexico's drug war, in which cartel gunmen attacked in unit-size forces armed with bulletproof vehicles, dozens of hand grenades and assault rifles.

Plus, I bet you can get a great vacation deal in Mexico right now.

God Damn Flipping Islands

2010-04-01T08:37:00.000-07:00

I wish they would stop flipping over.

Do you know how stupid you have to be to think an island can capsize? Apparently that is not stupid enough to exclude you from being elected to the House.

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) everbody.

Inside The Mind Of A Militia Loony

2010-03-29T23:41:00.000-07:00

The nice thing about the internet is when a lunatic is arrested, you can search and find some wonderful shit.

Here's some great info on how to survive the Apocalypse from Joshua Clough, 28, lunatic. He was arrested today in Michigan with his militia pals because they were going to kill a cop and start a civil war.

In the video, he even tossed in some machine gun, helicopter and jet fighter sound effects. It's the kind of shit I did when I was 9, playing up in the hill behind my house. But he's 28.

He's retarded.

Yes!

2010-03-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

Finally, someone is making sense!

The leader of the nation’s second-largest diocese urged his congregation to pray for the pope, saying he was suffering some of the same unjust accusations once faced by Jesus.

How many times was Jesus accused of covering up the fucking of boys? Too many times to count according to my Bible.

Who Said Conservatives Aren't Funny?

2010-03-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

You can't argue with this kind of evidence. Conservatives are hilarious!

Get it? Obama fucking hates fetuses. So much so, that when they are dead, it's not good enough for him. He then climbs into the dumpster out back and beats them with a baseball bat.

Not only is this cartoon brilliant satire but it is also factually correct. Many people don't realize most abortion clinics keep their fetuses piled high in dumpsters out back. It's just how it's done.

I'm sure this will upset some lefty pinkos - mostly because the image of a barbaric clubbing of dead fetuses is something only a psychopath would envision - but it's for THE CAUSE. This is how we will stop abortion. I can't see how this hilarious cartoon doesn't have some sort of effect on our abortion crazy nation.

I'm going to put this up on the bulletin board at my church because Jesus loved pictures of people beating dead fetuses with baseball bats.

There. Is. A. Lunatic. Behind. You.

2010-03-26T17:52:00.001-07:00

Run.

Interesting Justification

2010-03-26T17:30:00.001-07:00

Newt Gingrich explains how the Democrats asked to be killed.

GINGRICH: Just as there was no place for the kind of viciousness against Bush and Cheney, there’s no place for viciousness against Democrats. I would condemn any kind of activity that involves that kind of personal threat. But look, I think there’s something very disingenuous about the Democratic leaders who attacked the tea party movement, who refused to hold town hall meetings, who refused to go back home, who kept the Congress locked up in Washington, and are now shocked that people are angry. I think the Democratic leadership has to take some moral responsibility for having behaved with such arrogance, in such a hostile way, that the American people are deeply upset. So let’s be honest with this. This is a game that they’re playing. People should not engage in personal threats. I’m happy to condemn any effort to engage in personal threats. But I think the Democratic leadership has to take some real responsibility for having run a machine that used corrupt tactics, that bought votes, that bullied people, and as a result has enraged much of the American people. And I think it’d be nice for President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Majority Leader Reid to take some responsibility over what their actions have done to this country.

This can be summed up as the "She was asking for it by wearing that skirt" defense.

Right. Well Try It The Other Way Next Time

2010-03-25T21:34:00.001-07:00

Why don't you drag your thoughtful ass up to Washington next time - strapped? Then we can see how long you would last against Congressional Security, tough guy.

Some Crazy Shit Going on at WikiLeaks.

2010-03-24T10:26:00.000-07:00

This is insane. Since the Iraq War began, it has been suspected the US Military has been targeting journalists. There is even some video that supports this claim but now it appears WikiLeaks may have cracked the code.

And they are in danger because of it.

You can follow WikiLeaks on Twitter here.

This is kind of insane.

Bush Wipes The Dirty Haitain Off

2010-03-24T10:00:00.000-07:00

Wow.

That should really help the relief effort.

Stay classy.

Me

2010-03-23T22:43:00.000-07:00

Photo of the Pope...

2010-03-22T19:07:00.001-07:00

...selecting his next boy.

Poor kid.

Should Be a Winner in November

2010-03-22T18:06:00.001-07:00

Thank God they didn't try to put a public option in, or drug bulk negotiating, or drug re-importation, or a medicare buy in.

They went the least popular route. Because they care.

For Those of You Using This Shitty Reasoning...

2010-03-22T12:05:00.000-07:00

"Then why was the healthcare industry was spending money against the bill?"

Um. It wasn't. They were both for and against. They wanted to make sure there was no public option and that there was a mandate. They literally got everything they wanted.

Not as much as the drug companies, who, you know, made out like bandits.

A bit of good news for Democrats: PhRMA agreed Tuesday to fund an initial $6 million ad buy in the districts of 38 wavering House Democrats. The pro-reform ads will come from the industry-funded coalition Americans for Stable Quality Care and could hit the airwaves as early as today, a top industry official said. The deep-pocketed trade group didn’t decide how much it would spend in total on the campaign; officials are waiting to review the bill first. The decision to flip the switch on five or six days worth of advertising will come when the industry is comfortable with the bill’s direction. The drug industry is really the only pro-reform group able to match the millions being spent by opponents like the Chamber of Commerce. And the White House had been pressuring the industry for days to OK the ads, industry sources said. So it appears Dems will be getting some air cover soon.

Hmm. Wonder why they did that?

It's just awesome healthcare reform that does nothing to reel in the costs of drug costs. Yay!

Impressive

2010-03-21T13:20:00.000-07:00

I mean, beating Bush at being a secretive asshole? Very impressive.

The Democratic administration of Barack Obama, who denounced his predecessor, George W. Bush, as the most secretive in history, is now denying more Freedom of Information Act requests than the Republican did.

Yeah, but this shit is super important.

Transparency and openness were so important to the new president that on his first full day in office, he dispatched a much-publicized memo saying: "All agencies should adopt a presumption in favor of disclosure, in order to renew their commitment to the principles embodied in FOIA, and to usher in a new era of open government. The presumption of disclosure should be applied to all decisions involving FOIA."

Also, the opposite.

An Associated Press examination of 17 major agencies' handling of FOIA requests found denials 466,872 times, an increase of nearly 50% from the 2008 fiscal year under Bush.

Yay!

Pretty Much

2010-03-20T14:32:00.001-07:00

A Little Mick Has His First Corned Beef.

2010-03-17T19:16:00.001-07:00

Later, he pounded a Guinness and we got into a scrap.

Just One of The Reasons I Hate The Health Care Bill

2010-03-17T15:31:00.001-07:00

Guess who came up with the idea of the Excise Tax? You know, the one that is going to tax people who have really good benefits (what we should be striving for, not punishing).

That would be Ronald Reagan.

Yeah. Democrats are now going to implement an idea first thought up by the brains behind Ronald Reagan.

What could go wrong?

Tea Party Shows Their True Cunters

2010-03-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

Wow. A guy who needs health care because he has Parkinson's decided to show up to their little hate rally.

So, that's a new low.

Bunning Goes Bunshit

2010-03-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

Senator Jim Bunning, the man who recently held a one man filibuster to stop unemployed people from getting a benefits extension, is now holding up nominations because of a Canadian law.

The Kentucky Republican battled Democrats on the Senate floor Tuesday to block two nominations to relatively backbench positions -- because he is opposed to a tobacco-related law passed by the Canadian Parliament.

We live in America, by the way.

We don't live in Canada.

Bunning, who sits on the Senate Finance Committee, is blocking the nominations of Michael Punke and Islam Siddiqui. Punke was nominated to be the Deputy U.S. Trade Representative and was unanimously recommended by the Senate Finance Committee three months ago.

Siddiqui has been tapped to be the Chief Agriculture Negotiator. With the position unfilled, the U.S. is at a trade disadvantage with other countries. A coalition of 42 food and agriculture groups wrote Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev.) and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) in January to urge his confirmation.

What. A. Dick.

Try Not To Fuck It

2010-03-16T10:35:00.000-07:00

Tiger Woods will play in the Masters.

That's 18 holes. Hope the rehab holds up.

It's Only The Beginning

2010-03-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

These kind of ads will be running until November and beyond. The Democrats have created a bill that will not help anyone for 4 years and leaves then open to a flurry of attacks. This time the Republicans don't even have to lie.

It's a bad bill.