May 31, 2010

2nd Podcast up

Web: http://bit.ly/9wAxaI

iTunes: http://bit.ly/9z4y5N

Why Spill Cleanup Workers Are Getting Sick

It's not because of the oil or the dispersant, it's more because it's like Woodstock.



Please don't shit in the food because you're making the people cleaning up toxic waste sick.

May 28, 2010

Palin is Where She Belongs

Oh sweet Jesus. This guy is a classic fucking moron.

If you're ever lucky enough to be in Afghanistan, Gunnery Sgt. Benjamin Lepping’s left butt cheek has a special surprise.

Sarah Palin.

Yep. He's got a wonderful tattoo of Sarah Palin on his ass, conveniently located very close to his anus.



Or, as Lepping puts it, "the hottest cougar in the Republican Party."

Well, then, throw up a horrible version of her face on your ass. I can't see how she wouldn't be flattered. Nothing gets a woman to drop her pants quicker than her face on your shit area.

Stay classy, soldier. And good luck to your future wife.

First A Tsunami and Now This...

Indonesia's Aceh province was wiped out by a tidal wave four years ago and now something even more horrible has arrived - a complete lack of camel toes.

Authorities in a devoutly Islamic district of Indonesia's Aceh province have distributed 20,000 long skirts and prohibited shops from selling tight dresses as a regulation banning Muslim women from wearing revealing clothing took effect Thursday.

Like a dagger through the heart of every 12 year old boy.

During raids Thursday, Islamic police caught 18 women traveling on motorbikes who were wearing traditional headscarves but were also dressed in jeans. Each woman was given a long skirt and her pants were confiscated. They were released from police custody after giving their identities and receiving advice from Islamic preachers.

That denim is too close to your vagina and ass, miss. Put on a skirt so when you ride your motorbike, it blows up and gives everyone a complete shot of your junk.

May 25, 2010

I AM SO CLOSE!

Regular readers of this blog will know I made one prediction in January: That we would be attacking Mexican cartels with aerial drones before the year was up.

I'm now tingling all over.

Check out this letter from Arizona Governor Horrible Racist to President Obama.

"I would also ask you, as overseas operations in Iraq and Afghanistan permit, to consider wider deployment of UAVs [Unmanned Aerial Vehicles] along our nation's southern border. I am aware of how effective these assets have become in Operations Iraqi and Enduring Freedom, and it seems UAVs operations would be ideal for border security and counter-drug missions."

I may be the smartest blogger in the world. And I don't think that's overstating this.

May 24, 2010

My New Podcast

Tried to do a Stop All Monsters podcast but quickly became bored and uninterested in hearing me talk to me. I did one episode. That was enough. I really had no interest in doing interviews because they are a pain to schedule and that's what every comic is doing on their podcast.

Then I thought of my old friend Greg Behrendt. Greg and I go way back. We started doing stand up together in San Francisco and have stayed close since. I worked on his talk show and at one time we actually had our own internet/barely on terrestrial radio show. We have a good time together.

Now Greg has been known for writing a book and being on Oprah and that sort of nonsense but he's looking to sort of leave that behind and get back to his roots: Just straight up comedy. So, I approached Greg and we decided to start doing a podcast.

And this is the first one. Hope you like it. We'll start to figure it out more and more as we go along.

Walking The Room starring Greg Behrendt and Dave Anthony

RSS feed is here for those of you who want to subscribe to this mess.

May 23, 2010

Say No More

Obama - On The Ball



Get mad at the press for your failure.

Well done.

May 22, 2010

How To Handle The Census

If there is something I would die for, it would be to not fill out the census. The idea what my community would know how many hospital beds are needed, or firemen, or Congressional representation is so upsetting I am shaking as I write this. Please stop doing this unAmerican act that Americans have been doing for 220 years.

And if the government won't stop...

A routine visit by a U.S. Census Worker on Thursday evening turned deadly when Yuba City police officers shot and killed a woman they said had first threatened the worker with a gun, then later confronted officers with a shotgun.

You ain't gonna count me. I'd rather be dead than anonymously counted so my town will have some fucking library or a new freeway or know where to build a school.

Oh, Randy...

May 19, 2010

Rahm Emanuel Helps the Peace Process

What a fucking tool.

White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel's plan to hold his son's bar mitzvah at the historic Western Wall in Jerusalem has run into problems from two different directions.

On one hand, according to ABC News, the site lies within the Old City of Jerusalem, which the United States considers to be occupied territory. US officials are discouraged from spending time there except in an official capacity.

Yeah, good job, you entitled piece of shit. Get your personal business all up in there, after all, you are only the President's right hand man.

"“I think he is worse than Hamas," Ben Gvir said of Emanuel. "If the kid would come alone to the Wall without his father, we would be happy and we wouldn’t complain. But with all that Rahm Emanuel has done against the People of Israel and Land of Israel, we would have no choice but to demonstrate.”

Oh, good.

Fuck I hate Emanuel.

May 17, 2010

And We Get Closer....

To my prediction of drones attacking cartels in Mexico before the end of the year...



Who would have thought they'd use terrorism laws against us?

May 14, 2010

Finger On The Pulse


Mississippi has an awesome governor. I can't see how the state's response to the oil spill can go wrong.

Mississippi's Haley Barbour, a well-connected former Washington lobbyist, has calmly said the oil slick looming offshore is just a sheen in most places and there's no reason for people to panic.

It's actually going to make the water all shiny and prettier.

Oil has not started washing up on shore in any large quantities, and Barbour likened much of the spill to the gasoline sheen commonly found around ski boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

You, sir, are clearly the man Mississippi needs in charge right now.

McCain Gets All Real and Shit



He is. He really is.

Aside from his 100's of millions of dollars and uncountable houses.

May 12, 2010

Yay?

Um.

"What you can expect generally is no taxes and terrible cuts, absolutely terrible cuts," said Schwarzenegger press secretary Aaron McLear. "We're not going to get through the deficit we have without some really tough decisions and some really terrible cuts."

Oh. Great. I was worried you guys might raise taxes on the oil companies, who get to drill without paying taxes, or maybe tax luxury items like yachts. But, yeah, let's keep cutting until people are rioting in the streets. Teachers and cops and nurses are all fucking parasitic assholes anyway.

Bestest Politician Nominee is Back!

Oh, one of our favorites has returned. Who can forget former New York GOP Rep. Vito Fossella?

Who opted not to seek reelection in 2008 after his arrest for driving while intoxicated exposed the married father of three as having a second family in Virginia

To be fair, that was hard to shoehorn into a campaign slogan. But he's back! Because it only takes two years for people to forget that a dude was double married.

According to sources familiar with his thinking, in recent weeks — with the kickoff for ballot petitions fast approaching and the political climate unsettled nationwide — Fossella has been weighing a run for the seat currently held by Democratic Rep. Mike McMahon.

He just needs to talk it over with his two families before he makes a final decision.

May 6, 2010

I'm on WTF w/Marc Maron

Today's podcast is up and yours truly is on it.


Not sure if it's shameful or not. Don't remember that much of what I said, which usually means I said something horrible.

No politics. Aren't we all bored with politics, anyway?

May 3, 2010

Hold On To Your Assholes

Do you remember when we had that little economic crash way back in 2008? Yeah, that was nothing. Shit's going to hit the fan. Big time.

Why?

How about a rate hike by the Fed and the escalating sovereign debt crisis in Europe and the collapse of China’s credit bubble economy and a peak cheap oil recession?

Not just one of those - all four - at once.

2013.

Get ready, it's going to be some serious shit.

Please Tell Me He Didn't Fuck It

Um.

A man from the eastern Germany state of Saxony man is so in love with his ailing cat that he has reportedly married her.

So nice. Now the cat can die in peace.

Postal worker Uwe Mitzscherlich decided to marry his 15-year-old black and white cat Cecilia because she may not have long to live, daily Bild reported on Monday.

“Cecilia has such a trusting nature,” Mitzscherlich told the paper. “Between us there is an inner bond, a harmony of hearts – it’s unique.”

Oh, God. You're fucking her, aren't you?

The two met some 10 years ago when he was vacationing on the Baltic Sea coast.

Was she also vacationing? Or was she a local? "Hello, I am Uwe." "Meow."

Dressed in a tuxedo with a top hat, the groom held his bride, who wore a tiny wedding gown. The ceremony was complete with flowers, a wedding march, vows and a kiss.

Followed by a cat rape.

90% Chance He Fights It

There is now way this panther gets out of this alive.

Standing on the other side of the fence was Russian prime minister, and animal lover, Vladimir Putin, who smiled broadly.

Leopard The rare Persian leopard is one of two that Iran recently gifted to Russia in exchange for two Amur, or Siberian, Tigers. Putin was on hand to open an enclosure for Russia’s new cats, the second of which was too ill to come out, according to Russia Today.

"Ill?" Right. More like scared out of its mind. Putin will kick the shit out of it.

Tough guy Putin is an unlikely environmentalist but has spearheaded efforts to protect Russia’s endangered tigers, famously shooting one on a monitoring trip in 2008 with a tranquilizer dart when it escaped. Russian TV later claimed he saved the visiting camera crew from a mauling.

Of course he did.

Bestest Politician Nominee


Ok, this dude wins.

Masked professional wrestler The Great Sasuke has won the Iwate Prefectural Assembly seat he was seeking, snaring more votes than any other candidate.

The Great Sasuke announced that he would continue to wear his mask during prefectural assembly meetings to prevent revealing his true identity.

Yes. Please. More.

"I want to do my best to combat medical problems and eradicate child abuse," The Great Sasuke, who was endorsed by the Liberal Party, said from a makeshift wrestling ring set up in his campaign headquarters.

What else would he have in his campaign headquarters? And good luck eradicating child abuse. I don't see how you can't.

Eventually Japan will be attacked by a monster and this dude should have risen to president by then.