Oct 29, 2009

Start the Clock

This happened...

Two worshipers at a North Hollywood synagogue were shot this this morning in an attack LAPD detectives are investigating as a hate crime.

The shooting occurred at 6:20 a.m. at the Adat Yeshurun Valley Sephardic synagogue, at 12405 Sylvan St.

LAPD Deputy Chief Michel Moore said the shootings occurred in the underground garage of the temple. A man coming to the temple for worship parked his car in the lot and was approached by suspect who Moore said was wearing a black hoodie.

"Without any words," Moore said, the suspect shot the man in the leg. Then the gunman fired on a second man who had arrived for prayers. That second victim was also wounded in the leg.


Now, it's only a matter of time before we hear this...

The shooter is an avid listener of Glenn Beck...

Tea Bag Flash Mobbin!

Tea Baggers care and they are ready to go at any time! Like the Minutemen, they receive their marching orders and off they go! To save America!

An e-mail was sent out last night on the Tea Party Patriots e-mail list, asking anyone within driving distance of Washington to head to the Capitol at 10 a.m., the scheduled time for the unveiling of the House health care bill.

The event has also been described in conservative Twitter-land as a "flash mob."


Get your last minute factually incorrect signs out! Prepare to be mobbed by true Americans, you filthy Democrats!

TPMDC counted about 10 Tea Partiers holding signs denouncing a "government takeover" of health care and looking with disdain as House Democrats gathered on the Capitol Steps.

BOOM! Welcome to the power of the people.

Oct 28, 2009

Lady Rips Open a Big Bag of Two Face


The Senators who opposed the public health option are all health insurance industry whores. Every single one. But rarely are they made to look so incredibly stupid with their own stupid words. Take Senator Blanche Lincoln (D-who cares state)

Here's what she had to say about the public option.
“Creating another government-funded option is not where we’re going. We don’t need to go there,” Lincoln told members of the Arkansas Farm Bureau during a video conference. “A government-funded option is something that I think is not the way to go.”

Right. She is totally opposed to government getting all up in our business. That's why six months ago she was blathering about the awesomeness of government insurance.

Six months ago, Senator Lincoln condemned President Obama for trying to reduce the federal budget by cutting the large taxpayer contribution to a government insurance program that she cherishes, the USDA’s crop reinsurance program. Lincoln comes from a farm family and agriculture is her political base.


Shameless.

And slightly androgynous, I have to say. Seriously, she's bringing a lot of dude to her lady party.

Oct 27, 2009

Good Luck With This Contest!

You guys should really get in on this.

Join a Contest! Win Prizes!
Who Can make the best "Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid BURN IN HELL!" video?

First prize: Expenses paid for weekend here in DC during Roe vs Wade anniversary, Jan 22-24, including pro-life training seminar (Includes travel stipend!), and full Insurrecta Nex television series.

Second Prize: 2 Sets of Insurrecta Nex training series, and two sets of all books authored by Randall Terry. (One set for you, one for your Church.)

Third Prize: 1 Set Insurrecta Nex training series.

In addition, all Contestants will receive a free copy of episodes 1-4 of Insurrecta Nex.
Send link of your video by NOVEMBER 15, 2009 to: Burninhell@overturnroe.com

Legal Mumbo Jumbo: Obey local laws on open flames; be careful; if under 18, do not burn Nancy Pelosi in effigy unless your mom or dad is with you, and gives you permission, and strikes the match; do not burn yourself; do not burn another human being; do not burn small animals; do not burn large animals; do not burn anyone from PETA; and remember: this is not a threat to Nancy Pelosi's or Harry Reid's person...it is a prophetic witness of what awaits them when they die if they do not repent for this horrific sin.

Oh, and happy Roe v. Wade anniversary!

He's Not Playing Your Game

It is fascinating to watch Alan Greyson take on the entire bullshit process and society of Washington. The guy simply does not care about playing by the rules. He's rich. Very rich. I assume that gives him the freedom to not worry about being re-elected. Either that, or he has an inability to partake in bullshit. That is something I understand. It's gotten me in trouble a few times and has helped me out a few times. I just can't take watching blathering nonsense. I have a distorted sense of justice and have a feeling Greyson may have the same "problem."

He burst onto the seen last month when he stood on the House floor and called Republicans out for being heartless monsters. The effect was immediate. Suddenly, Republicans were no longer on the attack. They were playing the victim card - and you don't win debates by playing the victim card (see Democratic Party 1980-present). The GOP attempted to fight back but they had built their entire health care argument on lies and nonsense. Greyson was cutting through to the meat of the matter: You don't care about people dying or you do. Republicans had no answer because their argument wasn't about people dying, it was about money and big government. The entire debate shifted. Win for Greyson.

Now Greyson has caused another ripple in the waters of Corporate Lawmaker Lake. He called a lobbyist a "K Street Whore." People are very upset. The lobbyist in question happens to be a woman. I'd actually say it's offensive to whores - at least they provide a decent service and don't destroy America.

There is nothing lower than a lobbyist in the eyes of America. It's a big reason why Obama was elected. The lobbyist Greyson called a whore is currently a lobbyist for the Federal Reserve and was previously a lobbyist for Enron. My God. Is this really the lobbyist you want to support, Washington? The answer is, of course, yes.

The Politico reports that some of Grayson's House Democratic colleagues are creating some distance from him in light of this. House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) called the comment "inappropriate and unfair" to Robertson. Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-NY) was more blunt: "Is this news to you that this guy's one fry short of a Happy Meal?"

Really? These guys are so deep in the entrenched corporate shit, they can't even see where this one is going. Weiner basically calls Greyson crazy, but he's not. He not playing the game. He didn't play the game with the health care debate and no one knew what in the fuck to do with him. NO ONE. The same thing is going to happen here. Guys, he's not playing by your rules. If this plays out the same way as the health care debate, he goes on TV and explains why lobbyists are whores. America responds by nodding their heads. And Washington will continue to not understand why Greyson won't bow down.

The are whores. We all know lobbyists are the reason our country is a huge pile of shit right now.

But, by all means, try to defend a lobbyist.

I'll sit back and enjoy the man cutting through a shit cake with his large knife.


Bush Discusses Successful Rugs

George W. Bush made his first post-presidential speaking appearance yesterday at "Get Motivated!" Seriously. And he brought the "A" material.

Bush used much of his 28 minutes onstage to talk about lighter topics such as picking out a rug design for the Oval Office that reflected his "optimism.".

Word. Most leaders start from the rug up. Hitler actually had a rug that reflected his "negativity."

Bush noted that "popularity is fleeting. . . . It's not real."

Totally. When everyone hates you - it's fake.

I can tell you that one of the most amazing surprises of the presidency was the fact that people's prayers affected me. I can't prove it to you. But I can tell you some days were great, some days not so great. But every day was joyous." That, he attributed, to the prayers of others.

Check. Get other people to pray for me - right after I get the rug. This shit is gold.

"He is just a normal guy! He wasn't the best speaker. But I was happy to see him!" said Lubbock salesman Patrick Kruger, 50.

Consider yourself motivated.

Oct 26, 2009

Scientology Spokesman Opens Up a Can of Baby



Waaa.

America's Long Wait is Over

We will finally get to see Levi Johnston's junk. He's going to be posing in Playgirl.
Levi's handler Tank Jones confirmed for us that the contract with Playgirl is signed and that the shoot will take place in the next couple of weeks here in New York. A date hasn't been set yet, but it's most likely going to be the first weekend in November.
So, so excited. Also very excited that Levi is repped by a guy named "Tank." It's getting so very porno in here.
Jones confirmed what we reported before, that there's nothing about how much Levi will or will not show in the contract, but he said that Levi is "fearless" and he'll "do what he wants to do" and that he's "90% sure there will be nudity...I'm talking the front. Letting the whole thing hang out."
It's only a matter of time before Levi is the new Ron Jeremy.

Sarah is going to be upset and titillated.

Why So Predictable?

The GOP is an amusing bucket of lies and stupidity. They love to scream and yell about how bad the government is, then use all the government services they can get their dirty hands on.
Rep. John Culberson among hundreds of people lined up to get the swine flu vaccine at a public clinic at the Arlington County Public Health Division headquarters Wednesday morning.

That in itself isn’t terribly newsworthy — the Texas Republican was there to get his daughter vaccinated, a spokeswoman told HOH.

Dude cares about his kid. Totally understandable.

But our tipster noted Culberson’s visit to the clinic was "a little ironic since the Congressman voted against the funding that was used to purchase the vaccines in the first place."


I wouldn't expect anything else. Shameless is so cute!

Oct 24, 2009

Bestest Interview Ever



Black people. All the same.

Oct 23, 2009

Alan "holy fucking shit" Greyson

Greyson was just on Hardball and had some words for Dick Cheney.

Speaking on Hardball, Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) denounced Cheney's attacks on President Barack Obama, who posited that Obama was "dithering" in failing to endorse a troop surge.

"I have trouble listening to what he says sometimes, because of the blood that drips from his teeth while he's talking," Grayson quipped. "But my response is this: He's just angry because the president doesn't shoot old men in the face. But by the way, when he was done speaking, did he just then turn into a bat and fly away?"

So fucking awesome.

Man Who Doesn't Know Shit About a Thing Is Going To Fix It

John McCain has introduced a bill to block net neutrality.
Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) introduced a bill in the Senate on Thursday that would effectively allow Internet service providers to slow down or block Internet content or applications of their choosing.
How awesome does that sound? The US already has shockingly slow internet rates compared to the rest of the world, so we should allow companies to slow it down more. Or block whatever site they want to. Because they can. It's called the "free market" or "rape."

And we need a strong man, like McCain, to take care of the horrible problem of unfiltered internet reaching the masses.

John McCain says he doesn't know how to use a computer. In a video interview with Yahoo's Political team and Politico.com, McCain admitted he is computer illiterate. When asked if he preferred a Mac or a PC, McCain said "neither."

"I am a illiterate that has to rely on my wife for all the assistance I can get," McCain said. In a computer-dominated world, McCain's professed computer ignorance may raise questions again about his age. At 71, he is seeking to become the oldest person ever elected president of the United States.

Perfect. That's the dude who should write the bill.


No Longer Available

The Armor of God pj's website is gone.



Can't believe they didn't stay in business.

Oct 22, 2009

Mary Opens A Giant Can of Dumbshit

Mary Landrieu is a Senator from the not great state of Hurricane. She's also a Democrat who opposed a public option - even though polls repeatedly show America would very much like a public option.

Mary just understands health care reform better than most.

Opining on the polls showing support for public option, she said it was all about the phrasing of the question.

"I think if you asked, 'Do you want a public option but it would force the government to go bankrupt,' people would say 'No,'" she said.

That's a good point. It's also true that if you asked people 'Would you vote for dog fucker Mary Landrieu,' people would say "'No.'"

You can do that lying thing with a lot of polls.

On Today's WTF with Marc Maron

I taped a WTF podcast with Marc Maron on Friday.

It's up. Check it out if you like fun.

If you don't like fun, keep reading this blog.

Get Some


Yer about to get Obama'd. Big time.

Hatch Tackles The Big Issues

Say what you want about Senator Orrin Hatch, but he isn't scared to take on the tough issues facing America.
A senator whose undefeated home state school was bypassed for the college football national championship last season urged President Obama Wednesday to ask the Justice Department to investigate the Bowl Championship Series, citing Obama's own concerns about the way the top team is crowned in building a case for action.
Seriously. Drop everything. There's a problem with football.
Mr. President, as you have publicly stated on multiple occasions, the BCS system is in dire need of reform," Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah, said in a 10-page letter to Obama calling for an antitrust probe of the BCS.
Ten pages. TEN FUCKING PAGES.

I guess that's what Mormonistan cares about.

What? We Were Being Dicks.

Looks like the Republicans up in Connecticut have been naughty.

Twitter, Inc., shut down 33 fake Twitter accounts created by Republicans using the names of Democratic state representatives. The Republican scheme was to send out posts under the Democrats' names mocking the liberal tax-and-spend bastards.
Suck it, Dems! We pretend to be you and you look like assholes! It's Democracy!

"That's unfortunate," was state Republican Chairman Chris Healy's response when told of Twitter, Inc.'s decision. "I'm not quite sure what the issue is, other than that the Democrats were successful in stopping free speech."
Totally. It has nothing to do with impersonating other humans. If you are "free speaking" as someone else, it's not free speech. It's being a douche.

"It's our idea, actually," said Healy. He said Republicans want voters to understand how badly they're being screwed by the Democrats who approved billions in new taxes rather than cut spending.

Healy has no intention of shutting those sites down just because of Democratic protests.

"They didn't think of it first, so that's why they're whining," Healy said.
Well, now we know what happened to all the dick jocks from high school.

According to Twitter, Inc., the fake posts violated the immensely popular social networking system's anti-impersonation policy.

In an e-mail reply to a Democratic legislative leader's complaint, a Twitter representative stated:

"A person may not impersonate others through the Twitter service in a manner that does or is intended to mislead, confuse or deceive others. ... Impersonation is against our terms unless it is a parody. The standard for defining parody is, 'Would a reasonable person be aware that it's a joke?' "

Rules. Weird.

Oct 21, 2009

POPE!



RUN!

First Stop All Monsters Podcast

Not so much about politics as the site. I'll be doing a bit of everything, rather than just focusing on politics.

Sound is kind of fucked up on this first one, I'm still figuring it out.

It's get better.

I promise.

RSS syndication of StopAllMonsters podcast:

http://stopallmonsters.libsyn.com/rss

Link to my podcast blog:

http://stopallmonsters.libsyn.com/

Oct 20, 2009

President Tony Robbins!

Get motivated!



Bush Sr. and Clinton are helping countries and communities rebuild after the Tsumani of 2005. Carter is building people houses. And George is BRINGING THE MOTIVATION!

Nothing better than sitting through Marie Osmond, George W. Bush and Terry Bradshaw back to back to back. Fuckin' A, I'm all fired up about business!

And you thought he couldn't get more pathetic.

Jugg Fight!

The Miss California controversy has finally arrived at the place it was destined for: Sweet, sweet juggs.
The former Miss California USA is back in the headlines, this time for the unusual demand of repayment for her breast augmentation. The production company that runs the pageant is requesting $5,200, the amount fronted to the erstwhile beauty queen for her surgical enhancement.
Give it up. Or we take them back. One at a time.

Bestest Compliment Ever

Republicans are super good at handing out compliments. For example, Edwin O. Merwin and James S. Ulmer, chairs of the Bamberg County Republican Party and the Orangeburg County Republican Party, who wrote an op-ed in a local paper defending Republican Senator Jim DeMint for not taking earmarks.
"There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation's pennies and trying to preserve our country's wealth and our economy's viability to give all an opportunity to succeed."
He's like a penny pinching Jew, so back him up.

Two guys wrote this. TOGETHER. And neither thought the "Jew saying" would be offensive. And right now, I guarantee, they are completely baffled about the hub-bub. They should just consider themselves lucky they scrapped the paragraph about Jew tails.

Why Republicans Shouldn't Twitter #437

Representative Pete Hoekstra (R-MI).


I'm sure those people who need surgery are super excited.

Oct 16, 2009

Clinton Had Serious Plans

I don't know if we need to know this, but an AFP headline popped up this week:

Clinton would have tapped Obama if elected


Howza. You go girl!

Bestest Teacher Nominee

Some teachers really know how to reach their students.

A Geneva High School teacher is being accused of making anti-gay and racist comments in his classroom.

Dave Burk, who teaches consumer education, is accused of making the comments by his students during an Oct. 5 lecture on tax money involving the National Endowment for the Arts.

"How would you feel about your tax dollars going to pay some black fag in New York to take pictures of other black fags?" Burk allegedly asked, according to student Jordan Hunter.

Totally valid question and a fantastic analytic look at how taxes work. I think this was one of the School House Rock songs, was it not?

Burk's attorney, D.J. Tegeler, said Monday he was not personally aware of the terms Burk used to his classes, but that Burk apologizes for any offense.

"Mr. Burk is cooperating fully with both the principal, the dean of students and the school board," Tegeler said. "Mr. Burk's biggest problem is he does not want to intentionally offend anybody and if he did, he apologizes."

My bad. I didn't think there were any black fag lovers in the class. I will make a note.
Hunter said several other students have contacted him, saying Burk repeated the same phrase in all his classes.
Whoops. My bads. I didn't think I was delivering my carefully prepared lecture to black fag lovers.

And where can I get a copy of those pictures?

Dude Rips Open a Bag of Bad Analogy

Meet Representative John Shadegg of Arizona. He's not only a Republican, but he's also, very, very into history.



What we’re really getting here is we’re not just getting single-payer care. We’re getting full on Russian gulag, Soviet-style gulag health care.

Totally. Look, what most people don't know about the Russian Gulags is besides imprisoning as many as 20 million people and killing 1.5 million during Stalin’s reign of terror, the Gulags also gave everyone health care against their will.


It's the Gulag's dirty little secret.

Shadegg, I think you need to go back to scary word school.

Bestest Interview. Ever.

Oct 15, 2009

Fuck Yeah!

Awesome news, bro!
Global warming will leave the Arctic Ocean ice-free during the summer within 20 years.
Jet ski the mother fucking Arctic! Wahoooooo!

Oct 14, 2009

Steeling The Shit Out Of It


Michael Steele, the current head the RNC, came out firing today. He's super against health care reform.
"I'm not trying to be an obstructionist here. To the contrary, I'm saying, Can we all get in the room and have a Rodney King moment?"

Totally. Can we beat a black man in the street? Oh, wrong analogy? Okay, can we beat white people in the street and riot? Oh, wrong analogy? Can we sue, win $3.8 million and start a rap music label? Oh, wrong analogy? Can someone shoot us in the arms, back, face and torso while stealing our bicycle? Oh, wrong analogy? Can we crash our car into a wall and then have to go court ordered rehab? Oh, wrong analogy? Can we run over our wife with our car? Oh, wrong analogy? Can we hit a house with our car - again while drunk - this time breaking our pelvis? Oh, wrong analogy? Can we go on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew? Oh, wrong analogy?

Oh, wait. Can't we all just get along? Right. The one no one listened to.

Friday

Reminder that I'll be doing the Mark Maron podcast in front of a live audience this Friday 8 pm at the UCB theater in Los Angeles.

Greg Behrendt will also be a guest.

Glenn Beck Pops Open a Can of Holocaust

Glenn Beck has a pretty fantastic take on the criticism of Fox News. Apparently, it is very much like the Holocaust.
When they’re done with Fox, and you decide to speak out on something. The old, "first they came for the Jews, and I wasn’t Jewish." When you have a question, and you believe that something should be asked, they’re a — totally fine with you right now; they have no problem with you.

When they’re done with Fox and talk radio, do you really think they’re going to leave you alone if you want to ask a tough question?
Yes, I actually do. I found a little kink in your "If they kill Fox News they will put you in ovens" theory. Fox News wasn't around a few years ago and plenty of people were asking tough questions. No one was being exterminated.

Also, tough questions can mean anything, for instance, "Have you ever tossed anyone's salad?" Imagine asking the president that one. Very tough.
Do you really think that a man who has never had to stand against tough questions and has as much power as he does — do you really believe after he takes out the number one news network, do you really think that this man is then not going to turn on you? That you and your little organization is going to cause him any hesitation at all not to take you out?

If you believe that, you should open up a history book, because you’ve missed the point of many brutal dictators. You missed the point on how they always start.
You're handling a tiny bit of criticism very, very well.



Oh, and you just told people to kill Obama.

Oct 13, 2009

Not Making Sense Against Obama


Some dudes at a golf course decided to attack Obama with the shoes and grass or something.
Country club grounds keepers found the letter “I,” a swastika and the name “Obama” dug into the green at the 18th hole early yesterday morning, said golf course owner Gary Mosca.
"I swastika Obama." Um. That makes no sense. Nor does "I, deer crossing sign, Obama" make sense. Maybe just a swastika and Obama would work, but the "I" seriously undermines your point.

Also, you did it on a fucking golf course. Aren't you a revolutionary?
The vandals either used their heels or a board to carve the message, which is about 20 by 30 feet, Mosca said. He said the vandals did not dig in deep enough to damage the root system and he plans to turn the swastika into a box.
Oh, thank God. My first thought was about the root system. PHEW!

Oct 12, 2009

Baby Fat Pants a No Go

Some babies need to get some exercise and ease up on the donuts.

Alex Lange is a chubby, dimpled, healthy and happy 4-month-old.

But in the cold, calculating numbered charts of insurance companies, he is fat. That's why he is being turned down for health insurance.

If we let every Fatty McFatterdiaper onto the insurance rolls, everyone's premiums will go up and profits will go down. Try jogging, you 4-month-old lazy fuck.

By the numbers, Alex is in the 99th percentile for height and weight for babies his age. Insurers don't take babies above the 95th percentile, no matter how healthy they are otherwise.

Also, all babies are stupid and don't even know they are not insured. So, who gives a fuck?

For now, Alex should take one less trip per week to Wendy's.

Obama Goes All George Bush

While everyone is cheering on Obama and his "change" and pretty smile, no one seems to have noticed he is carrying on Bush's destruction of The Constitution. It's exciting how he supports Bush's draconian domestic agenda and legally argues to kidnap and disappear people around the world.

Yay!

You might assume that in the American market economy, telecommunications service providers are private companies. But the Obama Justice Department, in a strange filing with a federal court in San Francisco, explains that the facts are somewhat different. In a sense, the Justice Department said, the telecom companies are just extensions of one big, happy government family: their communications with the government are interagency communications and are entitled to secrecy.

The communications between the agencies and telecommunications companies regarding the immunity provisions of the proposed legislation have been regarded as intra-agency because the government and the companies have a common interest in the defense of the pending litigation and the communications regarding the immunity provisions concerned that common interest.

Now Wired reports that federal judge Jeffrey White has ruled against this ploy, insisting that the government turn over its communications with the telecoms on a subject of vital public interest: securing legislation that grants the telecoms immunity for participating in an illegal surveillance scheme engineered by the Bush Administration. Rather than comply with the court’s order, the Obama Justice Department is now seeking an emergency stay while it continues the crusade for secret government that is immune to accountability for criminal misconduct.
Your president is a complete asshole.

Oct 9, 2009

Happy Nobel Peace Prize Day!

Obama peaced the shit out of that child.

I Will Have His Babies



Awesome.

I hope he runs for Emperor.

Obama Wins Something He Doesn't Deserve!

Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize!

President Barack Obama, in his tenth month in office, was chosen this morning as the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

The one-liner from the committee - it goes to Obama "for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples."

Yay!

Oh, and there's this.

As Pakistan sharply rebukes United States Predator drone attacks inside Pakistani territory, the Obama administration plans to turn up the number of those attacks in Pakistan's restive tribal belt, according to news reports.

And this.
President Barack Obama has approved a significant troop increase for Afghanistan, Pentagon officials said Tuesday.

The new troop deployment is expected to include 8,000 Marines from Camp Lejeune, North Carolina, as well as 4,000 additional Army troops from Fort Lewis, Washington.

Another 5,000 troops will be deployed at a later date to support combat troops, bringing the total to 17,000 the Defense Department said. A senior administration official confirmed the total.
So, besides ratcheting up a war and bombing a sovereign nation, he's waaay into peace and shit.

Oct 8, 2009

Beeftards


Something you should know.
A kilogram of beef is responsible for more greenhouse gas emissions and other pollution than driving for 3 hours while leaving all the lights on back home.
So, cooking meat on your engine is twice as bad.

Stop it.

Update: Link

Sorry

I guess we just went ahead and forgot about Pfc. Bowe R. Bergdahl.

Zero news stories of his existence since he was captured.



Maybe we've decided the less we talk about him, the less value he will have? I don't know.

It's weird.

Oct 7, 2009

Bestest Man Alive Gets Bestester


Greyson sent this out in a campaign fundraising email.

It's getting close to the point where I blow him.

Morgan Murphy, Ladies And Gentleman


She's a very funny stand up.

Here's her webpage.

RIght Wing Tardsplosion!


Sometimes it all comes out at once. That's what happened to Representative Louie Gohmert of Texas last night. Louie was having a difficult time dealing with what was happening in the House during a special session convened to urge the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell. If that were to happen, well, homos running amok and whatnot, which leads to Hitler.

GOHMERT: If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions, [...] pedophiles or necrophiliacs or what most would say is perverse sexual orientations but the trouble is, we made amendments to eliminate pedophiles from being included in the definition. [...] But people have always been willing to give up their liberties, their freedoms in order to gain economic stability. It happened in 1920 and 1930’s. Germany gave up their liberties to gain economic stability and they got a little guy with a mustache, who was the ultimate hate monger. And this is scary stuff we’re doing here when we take away what has traditionally been an important aspect of moral teaching in America.
Open with a little animal fucking, crank that shit up to boy fucking, add a dash of dead guy banging and that, obviously, leads one to Hitler. Now you know your history.

Another day of calm, rational debate by Republicans in Congress.

Oct 6, 2009

That's Why Pepsi Tastes Like Cock and Balls


I had no idea until now. It all makes sense.
A group that advocates "traditional family values" claims it has the signatures of 500,000 people who have pledged to boycott Pepsi over what it says are the company's activities promoting gay rights.
Boo. Soft drinks love man sex. Boo.
The American Family Association, which boasts "2.5 million online supporters," "asked PepsiCo to be neutral in the culture war and not support the homosexual agenda," it said in a press release Tuesday. "PepsiCo refused. The company continues to give financial support to homosexual organizations."
Come on, Pepsi. Be the Switzerland of soft drinks in the Gay War.
In particular, the AFA decried PepsiCo's donations to groups that funded the effort against California's Proposition 8 last year. The AFA said PepsiCo gave $500,000 to the Human Rights Campaign, which had worked to defeat Proposition 8.
Wow. Pepsi is such a fucked up company, wanting people to have equal rights and shit.
The Pepsi boycott seems to be having some effect within the Christian conservative community. Last month, the Westboro Baptist Church, of "God hates fags" fame, protested in downtown Atlanta with signs that read "God Hates Diet Pepsi."
That is the greatest sign of all time. You guys win.
Last month, Bell Shoals Baptist, a mega-church in Brandon, Florida, removed its Pepsi vending machines and replaced them with Coke machines.
OH SNAP. You guys totally win!

Quiet Time With Clarence

The Supreme Court is back in session and they brought a fiery Latina along for the ride.
Yesterday was the Supreme Court’s opening day, and Justice Sonia Sotomayor took an active role in oral arguments. Sotomayor "displayed no reticence on the first day of her first term on the court; in the two cases on the docket, she asked as many questions and made as many comments as Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr.,” reported the Washington Post.
What up, chatty? Who's asking as many questions as John "open face" Roberts? Sonia, that's who.
In just an hour, the court's newest justice asked more questions than Justice Clarence Thomas has asked over the course of several years.
Hey, why the cheap shot?
Thomas has gone three years straight without posing a question during oral arguments.
Shhhh. He's sleeping.

Oct 4, 2009

Our Shit is Too Expensive

Health insurance carrier cutting health insurance for employees.
WellPoint Inc., the largest U.S. insurer, dismissed a "small number" of workers last week and announced cuts to employee health benefits Friday, in its latest attempt to deal with the recession's toll on enrollment.

WellPoint eliminated the positions last week and expects to let more go before year's end, though the number will be "relatively small," Kristin Binns, a spokeswoman, said in a telephone interview. The company will also raise deductibles and premiums for some of its employee health benefits, the Indianapolis-based insurer told workers in a memo obtained by Bloomberg.

What a shame. People who make their living finding ways to cut people off from the benefits when they become ill are having their benefits reduced. So sad. It almost turns my smile into a grin.
In the memo from Randy Brown, WellPoint's chief human resources officer, the company said it would lower its contribution toward worker premiums and raise deductibles in two of its three benefit plans. "Your cost per paycheck will probably increase," the memo said.
But, if you can find away for the company to cut off some sickly orphans from the insurance rolls, we will give you a bonus.

Palin Finally Teams Up With White Power

One has to wonder if Sarah Palin can actually find a way to become a more horrible person. The answer is, of course, yes.

As many of you know, the female George Bush was offered a book deal and has already picked a delightful ghost writer. By "delightful," I mean "White supremacist."
Sarah Palin’s soon-to-be-released book was ghostwritten by Lynn Vincent.

Who’s Lynn Vincent? She’s the co-author of a book with white supremacist blogger Robert Stacy McCain.
Okay, maybe I got that wrong. She just wrote a book with a White Supremacist. Who hasn't? Also, get in line and other cliches. Vincent seems like a nice lady with decent opinions, like abortion is black genocide.
She told them that abortion is killing off their culture: 13 million black babies have died in the womb since 1973—more than 2.5 times the total number of deaths among African-Americans during the same period from AIDS, cancer, accidents, heart disease, and violent crime combined.
I'm going to agree the shit out of that. White people rarely get abortions. That's just how we do. Also, our babies crawl out of our vaginas and into a pouch on our tummy.

Sarah has chosen wisely. Again.

Mark Maron Podcast

Looks like I'll be doing an episode of WTF with Mark Maron on October 16th at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater at 8 pm. (Los Angeles)

It's my favorite podcast.

Check it out here.

Oct 2, 2009

Policito Rips Open a Big Bag of Idiot

I have for quite some time believed America has a hefty percentage of idiots, but the depths to which we are now sinking is astounding. And it comes each and every day, like waves pounding in from the ocean, chipping away the cliffs, until we plunge into the sea of retard.

Today's shocking idiocy comes, again, at the hands of our right wing brethren, who celebrated our loss of hosting the 2012 Olympics, much like they would celebrate the death of Obama. Conservatives, quite simply, don't give a shit about the country, only their ideology and seeing their opponents fail.

But I expect that kind of nonsense from the idiots on the street. It's when writers, like shocking moron Josh Gernstein of Politico, pen shit like this that I can't take it.
What was he thinking?

Monday-morning Quarterbacking became Washington’s favorite Olympic sport Friday after President Barack Obama's in-person pitch failed to bring home the 2016 Olympics to Chicago – and in rather dramatic fashion.

Chicago was knocked out in the first-round of balloting – winning just 18 of 94 votes — making Obama’s trip to Copenhagen seem not just unsuccessful but entirely ineffective.
Good point. It was unsuccessful AND ineffective. I can't believe both those things could happen at once, but there it is. Someone put their analysis hat on today and tore that fucker up.
A few Democrats were glum, some conservatives were downright gleeful and the White House scrambled to explain that Obama had no regrets about making the trip – despite the fact that it exposed the limits to the power of his high-wattage international popularity.
This is the point when we should mourn the death of intellectuals in the media. The fact that this idiot is given the chance to write such driven is amazing. Yes, Obama tried to get the Olympics. No, he wasn't successful. OH MY GOD, NOBODY LIKES HIM!

Hey, kids, here's today's conservative lesson: You should only try if you know you can succeed. Trying and not succeeding means no one likes you.
Now, go play ball. Many political pros said they wouldn’t even consider letting Obama put his prestige, popularity and time on the line to go to Copenhagen unless he thought Chicago was a lock, or a near-lock. Some even speculated that Obama must have had some inside information about the strength of Chicago’s bid that prompted him to go – something the White House denied.
Right. Because, as a nation, we toss away any president who has the gall to appear in person and NOT convince the IOC to give us the Olympics. I'm surprised we didn't shoot him this morning, to be honest. He's like a horse with a broken leg.

Even Democrats got in on the action
“If he doesn't get it, he looks bad,” Begala said on CNN earlier this week. “You know, he does have a full plate. If I was working for him, I'd say, sir, don't go.”
Seriously. I was totally on the fence about Obama, until he pulled this "I'm going to do all I can to get the Olympics" shit. Then he didn't get it. Now I don't like him. Never mind this health care crap and the economy and education and Iran and the wars and the environment, none of that shit matters. He didn't get the fucking Olympics. Big black mark, bitch. He better grovel hard to get my respect back.

OR, you stupid assholes in Washington could step outside your golden walls and find out what in the fuck we actually care about once in a while. My fucking God, we are pathetic. Amazingly pathetic.

Here's what an adult says: "Hey, thanks for trying to get the Olympics for us. Bummer it didn't work out."

But there's no story in that. And human embarrassments, like Josh Gernstein, write articles titled "The agony of Obama's defeat." Any decent journalist would cringe in shame while typing those words. Josh Gernstein is an example of America's greatest problem: Shit journalism.

Joe The Plumber Killing



Rocking the house! I can't compare to that. Consider me retired from stand up.

More Greyson

Here are some delightful quotes from Greyson over the past couple of years.
"Rush Limbaugh is a has-been hypocrite loser, who craves attention. His right-wing lunacy sounds like Mikhail Gorbachev, extolling the virtues of communism. Limbaugh actually was more lucid when he was a drug addict. If America ever did 1% of what he wanted us to do, then we'd all need pain killers."

"I’m sorry Limbaugh called for harsh sentences for drug addicts while he was a drug addict. I’m also sorry that he’s bent on seeing America fail. And I’m sorry that Limbaugh is one sorry excuse for a human being."

"The development fund of Iraq was looted by war profiteers and war whores."
He is an attorney who represents whistle blowers.
Too rich to be bought off, Grayson's been fucking with the powerful for a few years now. As an attorney, he represented whistleblowers, going after the hundreds of millions of dollars in fraud committed by contractors and others in Iraq.
Nice.

Oct 1, 2009

Best Human Ever Good All The Time



Love him!

How Jesus Would Have Wanted It

Look, Congress has it rough. They take a couple of months off a year, only work 3-4 days a week, tons of perks and pull down enormous salaries, so they obviously also need the best health care in the world.
This fall while members of Congress toil in the U.S. Capitol, working to decide how or even whether to reform the country's health care system, one floor below them an elaborate Navy medical clinic -- described by those who have seen it as something akin to a modern community hospital -- will be standing by, on-call and ready to provide Congress with some of the country's best and most efficient government-run health care.
Poor bastards.

Services offered by the Office of the Attending Physician include physicals and routine examinations, on-site X-rays and lab work, physical therapy and referrals to medical specialists from military hospitals and private medical practices. According to congressional budget records, the office is staffed by at least four Navy doctors as well as at least a dozen medical and X-ray technicians, nurses and a pharmacist.

Sources said when specialists are needed, they are brought to the Capitol, often at no charge to members of Congress.

Let's begin performing unauthorized medical experiments on Congress. I think it would even everything out. Maybe throw a tail on Joe Lieberman.


Things That Will End Well

I don't think there is a greater combination in the universe than guns and alcohol. They go together like pie and rape. Apparently, Arizona thinks so because the desert state that God doesn't want to exist has decided to allow guns in bars.

Yahoo.
The NRA-backed law, which takes effect today, allows those with a concealed weapons permit to bring guns into bars and restaurants.
Suck it, cowards. We're children and would very much like to play "Old West." We've seen movies!
The one stipulation that prohibits gun-toters from entering Arizona bars: if the establishment has a sign against them. So if there's a sign, you can't bring a gun in.
Boo. Why do you hate fun?
A person would be exempt if the sign banning guns had fallen down, the person wasn't an Arizona resident, or the notice was first posted less than a month earlier.
Yay! Just kick the sign down when you swing your bad ass through the door. You think a sign would have stopped Jesse James? Now grab a few whiskeys and get into a heated discussion!