Nov 30, 2008

It's A Bummer To Not Be Able To Randomly Shoot People

Wow, this just sucks.
The thousands of American contractors in Iraq who have been above Iraqi law since the war began are suddenly facing a new era in which their United States passports will no longer protect them from arrest and imprisonment.

When the Iraqi government ratified an agreement last week setting new terms for a continued American presence in Iraq, private contractors working for the Pentagon faced the inevitability that they would be stripped of their immunity from Iraqi law. That immunity had been granted by the Coalition Provisional Authority before a postwar Iraqi government was established.

WTF? Those guys signed up to be able to do whatever in the fuck they wanted. You can't just change the rules now.

Now that the contractors’ legal protection is to lapse, officials in the defense contracting industry are trying to come to grips with how their operations will change in Iraq, how many of their American employees will be sent home, and whether the weak and often corrupt Iraqi judicial system will become an impediment to recruiting Western workers.
Huge buzz kill. Now they have to send all those employees home. You know, the ones who would be prosecuted for committing endless crimes. And for those staying, good luck trying to get your job done with laws hanging over your head. It's almost like you guys have to act like human beings or something.

Everything Is Fine

Please, pay no attention to the small but glaring signs that our environment is dying.
The idea seemed too crazy to Rod Simmons, a measured, careful field botanist. Naturalists in Arlington County couldn't find any acorns. None. No hickory nuts, either. Then he went out to look for himself. He came up with nothing. Nothing crunched underfoot. Nothing hit him on the head.

Then calls started coming in about crazy squirrels. Starving, skinny squirrels eating garbage, inhaling bird feed, greedily demolishing pumpkins. Squirrels boldly scampering into the road. And a lot more calls about squirrel roadkill.

But Simmons really got spooked when he was teaching a class on identifying oak and hickory trees late last month. For 2 1/2 miles, Simmons and other naturalists hiked through Northern Virginia oak and hickory forests. They sifted through leaves on the ground, dug in the dirt and peered into the tree canopies. Nothing.

"I'm used to seeing so many acorns around and out in the field, it's something I just didn't believe," he said. "But this is not just not a good year for oaks. It's a zero year. There's zero production. I've never seen anything like this before."
They're just acorns. I'm sure the food chain won't be affected much.

Nov 29, 2008

Kentucky Puts The Bat in Bat Shit Crazy

Kentucky is obviously full of religious lunatics. But how insane are they? Well, check out who is going to protect them from terrorist attacks.

Under state law, God is Kentucky's first line of defense against terrorism.

The 2006 law organizing the state Office of Homeland Security lists its initial duty as "stressing the dependence on Almighty God as being vital to the security of the Commonwealth."

Specifically, Homeland Security is ordered to publicize God's benevolent protection in its reports, and it must post a plaque at the entrance to the state Emergency Operations Center with an 88-word statement that begins, "The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God."

Hopefully God is sitting down with the FBI and the CIA to share information. I know there has been a problem in the past with different agencies passing information.

I actually never wanted Kentucky to be attacked by terrorists until today.

India To Invade Iraq

Seriously, this doesn't look good.
In the first hours of the Mumbai crisis, India used veiled though widely understood language to suggest Pakistani involvement. As investigators began interrogating captured assailants, reportedly finding Pakistani nationals among them, the accusations turned sharper.

"Preliminary evidence . . . indicates elements with links to Pakistan are involved," India's foreign minister, Pranab Mukherjee, said Friday in New Delhi.
Obviously, India will invade Iraq now. It's what you do when you are attacked by terrorists from a country other than Iraq.

Nov 28, 2008

Our Latest Ultra Sound Is Here


Jesus. That doesn't look right. Maybe it still has some growing to do, it's only 19 weeks.

When Will It End?

These things are taking up way too much of my time.

Nov 27, 2008

Meatball Chef Is Safe. Also, India Situation Over


The crisis in Mumbai, India is nearly over. Over 100 have been killed and over 300 injured during the terrorist attacks.
Masked Indian commandos dropped from helicopters Friday onto the roof of a Jewish center where suspected Muslim militants were holed up, possibly with hostages, as sharpshooters kept up a steady stream of fire at the five-story building.

The assault came as commandos freed nearly two dozen captives from the nearby Oberoi hotel as the troops searched the building for attackers, on the third day since a chain of militant attacks across India's financial center left at least 119 people dead.

Security officials insisted their operations were almost over.

Thankfully, The Chef is okay.

Some carried luggage with Canadian flags, and two women were dressed in black abayas, traditional Muslim women's garments. The group included one man dressed in chef's uniform who was holding a small baby.

I think we can all agree that chef was probably Chef Boyardee, maker of canned pastas.

Thank the sweet Lord he made it out alive. As long as canned pasta lives, America wins!

Maybe Prop 8 Was A Good Idea

Seriously, look at this shit.

A couple of gay penguins are attempting to steal eggs from straight birds in an effort to become "fathers", it has been reported.

The two penguins have started placing stones at the feet of parents before waddling away with their eggs, in a bid to hide their theft.

But the deception has been noticed by other penguins at the zoo, who have ostracised the gay couple from their group. Now keepers have decided to segregate the pair of three-year-old male birds to avoid disrupting the rest of the community during the hatching season.

That's what happens when you let gay penguins marry. Just think what would happen if we let gay humans marry. Think about it.

I Apologize

But this is fantastic.



Seems somehow inappropriate (girls playing soccer).

Nov 26, 2008

Useless, Unimportant People Get Fake Married

Wow. This is exciting. As I type, my fingers tremble with excitement.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, the reality-TV couple whose on-again, off-again relationship has been chronicled by MTV's "The Hills" and celebrity magazines, appear on the Wednesday cover of Us Weekly with the headline "Heidi & Spencer Elope!"

But the couple acknowledged Wednesday that their wedding ceremony near Cabo San Lucas, Mexico — featured in a photo spread in the magazine — was symbolic, and not legally binding. At least not yet.

You tricksters! And to think my wife had to tell me who you were yesterday! Oh, and keep me updated, people without talent! I look forward to your future endeavors, you fantastic examples of everything wrong with America!

Try a fake honeymoon in Mumbai.

Celebrities Are Our Greatest Diplomats


Finally, someone cracked that tough nut known as Raul Castro. Actor Sean Penn met with Castro for an interview in The Nation magazine and Castro cracked like an egg. I once read an interview in Interview magazine between Lindsey Lohan and Cameron Diaz. The Penn interview is like that, but a tad bit more awesome.
Cuban President Raul Castro said in an interview released Wednesday that he would like to meet President-elect Barack Obama on "neutral ground" — and he suggested the American naval base at Guantanamo Bay. The Cuban leader's offer came in a rare interview in Havana with actor-director Sean Penn, who wrote about it for the Dec. 15 edition of The Nation magazine.
Sean fucking Penn, bitch! Settin' up meetings with world leaders and shit. Suck on that De Niro!

Looking forward to hearing what kind of message Steve Guttenberg brings back from his meeting with Yemeni president Ali Abdullah Saleh.

A Big "Screw You Jews" From The White House

The George Bush Administration can't even get a fucking Hanukkah card right. Here is the picture on the invitation that went out to "invited leaders of America's Jewish community" for a Hanukkah reception.



Dear Jews, please come celebrate the dead trees we cut down in honor of our Lord Jesus Christ, who you killed. Sincerely, George W. Bush.

Fox News Learning Its Place

Fox News is finally getting the treatment they deserve. Barack Obama has held four news conferences since he was elected president. He has yet to take a question from Fox News.

Sucks to be douchebags, huh?

Before the press conference this is what Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs had to say.

When asked why Fox News hasn't had a chance, Robert Gibbs told me there was "nothing nefarious" going on.

“I would tell them, get a good question and stay tuned,” Gibbs said.

Didn't happen. Bummer. Keep that question ready.

Nov 25, 2008

Holy Fucking Shit


That dog is fucked.

Thank You Sarah Palin

You are fucking awesome!



That's why we made an ad that seems like it was shot in the 70s.

Economy Looking Up


Buy one car, get one free...that's a good sign, right?

Polygamist Worshipers In Trouble

The Mormon Church may be in a bit of hot water. Turns out they were providing support to the Yes on 8 people. Who knew? I mean, besides everybody.
California's Fair Political Practices Commission (FPPC) confirmed Monday that it will investigate allegations that the LDS Church failed to report nonmonetary contributions to the Yes on Proposition 8 campaign.

Karger, a retired political consultant, alleged in his complaint that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints failed to report money invested to organize phone banks, send out direct mailers, provide transportation to California, mobilize a speakers bureau, send out satellite simulcasts and develop Web sites as well as numerous commercials and video broadcasts.
This is why we should all boycott the Mormon Church. Oh, and also because their son of God talked to a salamander and married a bunch of ladies.

God Exists

I have never seen anything that proves the existence of God more than this.
THAT although we didn't think it would be possible to silence Ann Coulter, the leggy reaction- ary broke her jaw and the mouth that roared has been wired shut.
I can only assume she was punched in the face. Probably 9 or 46 times.

Communist China Finally Does Something Right

I'm not the biggest fan of China. Some of us still think the whole Tiananmen Square thing was a bummer, but the giant country seems to be turning a corner.
China's government-owned music-importing monopoly has signaled that local record distributors shouldn't bother ordering the GN'R production. Anything with "democracy" in the name is "not going to work," said an official at the China National Publications Import & Export (Group) Corp., part of the Ministry of Culture.
How nice is that? The government is doing everything they can to avoid the horrible suffering that occurs when one listens to the new Guns n Roses album. It is really unbelievably horrible.

The Chinese people should feel good about their country today. I only wish my country had made the same choice and I had never experienced the ear pain I felt when listening to Chinese Democracy.

Nov 24, 2008

Fox News Seeks Ugly, Lame Liberal


It seems Alan Colmes is leaving Hannity and Colmes.
Alan Colmes will relinquish his role as co-host of Hannity & Colmes at the end of the year.

In announcing his decision, Colmes said, “I approached Bill Shine (FNC’s Senior Vice President of Programming) earlier this year about wanting to move on after 12 years to develop new and challenging ways to contribute to the growth of the network. Although it’s bittersweet to leave one of the longest marriages on cable news, I’m proud that both Sean (Hannity) and I remained unharmed after sitting side by side, night after night for so many years.”

Colmes will continue to have a presence on FNC as he will serve as a liberal commentator on a variety of FOX News programming, including Foxnews.com’s The Strategy Room and continue hosting his radio program, The Alan Colmes Show on FOX Talk, a division of FOX News Radio. He will also begin developing a weekend program.

I am shivering with excitement as I ponder the idea of an hour of Colmes on the weekend. But who will Hannity choose as a replacement? The liberal must be shockingly unattractive, so Hannity's frat boy look stands out. The liberal also must be somewhat cowardly and lose all arguments.

Nov 22, 2008

Time To Boycott Twilight. It's A Mormon Flick

Well, this is surprising. Nobody seemed to mention that the movie Twilight is based on a book written by a Mormon and is chalk full of Mormon beliefs. Stephanie Meyer is a devout Mormon.
An observant Mormon, she doesn't drink alcohol and has never seen an R-rated movie. She's not perfect--although Mormons avoid caffeine on principle, she drinks the occasional cherry Diet Pepsi. "It's about keeping yourself free of addictions," she explains, sitting on a huge couch in her living room. "We have free will, which is a huge gift from God. If you tie that up with something like, I don't know, cocaine, then you don't really have a lot of freedom anymore."
Awesome. You are quite the advanced woman with your caffeine intake. Rock on, you crazy feminist.
What makes Meyer’s books so distinctive is that they’re about the erotics of abstinence. Their tension comes from prolonged, superhuman acts of self-restraint. There’s a scene midway through Twilight in which, for the first time, Edward leans in close and sniffs the aroma of Bella’s exposed neck. “Just because I’m resisting the wine doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the bouquet,” he says. “You have a very floral smell, like lavender … or freesia.” He barely touches her, but there’s more sex in that one paragraph than in all the snogging in Harry Potter.
Totally, there's all kinds of sex, you know, without any of the sex stuff. The Heroine in the movie is one of the most passive, pathetic heroines of all time. She exists to be saved. Much like Mormon women on the polygamy farm. Twilight is a movie about religious idealism. And a pathetic one at that.

This next statement makes me want to punch myself in the face.
"I really think that's the underlying metaphor of my vampires," she says. "It doesn't matter where you're stuck in life or what you think you have to do; you can always choose something else. There's always a different path."
Yes. Vampires can totally find religion and make an awesome choice. Except for the fact that they are the DEAD. You know, dead creatures who prey upon men. But other than that, yeah, they can totally make a different choice. Just like a polar bear can choose to eat plants instead of seals.

Boycott Twilight. Mormons give 10% of their paycheck to the church. The same one that asked its members to donate gobs of money to Yes on 8.

A Country Comes To Its Senses

Malaysian Muslims have finally seen the light. Yoga is no more.

Millions of people in Malaysia have been banned from doing yoga because of fears it could corrupt Muslims.

The Islamic authorities have issued a ruling, known as a fatwa, instructing the country's Muslims to avoid yoga because of its Hindu roots.

Seriously, stop exercising without sweating and heavy breathing. It's freaking people out and leads to homosexuality.

Nov 21, 2008

Hollywood Wins, America Loses

The biggest question facing America was answered today: Fred Thompson will not attempt to pretend to fight to become chair of the RNC, but will return to Hollywood. Hollywood, of course, breathed a sigh of relief.

He campaigned heavily for eventual nominee John McCain, and had recently tried to gain support to be in charge of the Republican National Committee.

But his former finance chairman, B.C. "Scooter" Clippard, said Thompson told him Wednesday that he was returning to acting and dropping his RNC bid.

"He seriously considered it, but he called and said that it was not in the cards," Clippard said.

Clippard said he did not know which television programs might be interested in Thompson.

"He has some wonderful opportunities back in the television market that probably financially far outweigh being chair of the RNC," Clippard said.

Hollywood 1 - America 0. Suck it, America!

Our Future War With Pakistan: Update


More excitement! We bombed Pakistan again yesterday. That brings the total number of missile attacks since August to 19. And they no likey.
Nato-led troops in Afghanistan say they carried out an attack on an "enemy position" in Pakistan on Sunday with the help of Pakistani security forces.
Hey! They are helping us! They love us bombing their country! Right? Right? Hello?
Pakistan has summoned the US ambassador in Islamabad to protest at a US missile attack deep inside Pakistani territory on Wednesday that killed five people.

There is widespread anger and resentment in Pakistan at the increasing use of missile strikes by unmanned US drones along the tribal Afghan-Pakistan border.

Wednesday’s strike in Bannu was unusual because it hit much further inside Pakistani territory.

Oh. Boo. Pakistan is really, really not happy with the bombing situation.

Addressing NATO's military committee in Brussels on Wednesday Army Chief General Ashfaq Kayani also urged a halt to the use of unmanned "combat aerial vehicles within Pakistani territory."

Kayani met NATO Secretary-General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer, and held meetings with Admiral Michael Mullen, U.S. chairman of the joint chiefs of staff, and a French defense chief.

No worries, though. We send missiles into Pakistan to kill "militants." We inevitably end up killing civilians. Anger increases, which leads to more militants. Good work.

Sarah Palin Keeps Giving

This is just delightful. Today Sarah Palin went to a turkey farm to "pardon" a turkey. Then she stood out front and talked to reporters, while a dude behind her stuffed turkey's into a death cone and killed them. Enjoy the thrashing turkey in the death cone.

Nov 20, 2008

The Truth Is Found Online

I found this on the website Reddit. Delightful - and true.

What's Wrong With The Senate? #238

Our long list of what is wrong with the US Senate continues. Today, reason #238. How about a standing ovation for convicted felon and former Senator Ted Stevens?



They are a shameless chamber.
Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) then took the floor and said farewell to his “distinguished colleague.”
Good for you, Harry! Maybe you can shine his shoes on the way out, as well.

Going Deep Inside The Mind Of Joe The Plumber


If you are like me, when you hear Joe the Plumber speak, you think, "Man, I wish this was written down somewhere." Our dream is about to come true. Joe the Plumber has a book deal!

Samuel J. Wurzelbacher the presidential campaign fixture and John McCain advocate better known as Joe the Plumber, won’t have to open his own plumbing business just yet: he has signed a deal to write “Joe the Plumber: Fighting for the American Dream.”
Joe will cover such topics as...
How to work as an unlicensed plumber.
How to not understand tax brackets.
How to not pay taxes.
How to lie to presidents on the street.
How to make ridiculous claims about presidents and Israel
And how to capitalize on a ridiculous, child-like nickname.
And we don't have to wait long!
Mr. Wurzelbacher’s ideas about American values, and is scheduled for release on Dec. 1.
Like most great books, it will be written in a few hours.
In an interview with Fox News Mr. Wurzelbacher said he could have signed a deal with a larger publisher. “But they don’t need the help,” Mr. Wurzelbacher said. “They are already rich. So that’s spreading the wealth to me.”
That's a great story! Put it in the book!

Welcome To Losertown

Wow. Everybody hates George Bush. Nobody wants to touch him.



That is awesome.

Chuck Norris Finally Takes On The Gays


Well, this is the epic battle we have been waiting for. Norris vs. All Gays. I can't say I've ever watched one of his movies or seen one episode of the awesome Texas Walker Ranger, but he seems a formidible opponent. He's like a boring, white, less talented Bruce Lee. Oh, and he's lacking in personality and charisma.

And yet, he's got an awesome gift of stupidity.

The tolerance-preaching activists also have taken their anger to the blogosphere, where posts have planted ideas ranging from burning churches to storming the citadels of government until our society is forced to overturn Prop. 8. You even can find donor blacklists online. The lists include everyone who financially backed Prop. 8 -- even those who gave as little as $46 -- with the obvious objective that these individuals will be bantered and boycotted for doing so.

What's wrong with this picture? Lots.

Right. You left out the part where the Yes on 8 religious folks tried to blackmail companies who gave to No on 8. That's totally different than a boycott, isn't it?

First, there's the obvious inability of the minority to accept the will of the majority. Californians have spoken twice, through the elections in 2000 and 2008. Nearly every county across the state (including Los Angeles County) voted to amend the state constitution in favor of traditional marriage.

Good point, shitty action hero. Now explain to me why those horrible slaves didn't accept their traditional slavery role. Then explain to me why you think marriage is some sort of religious bond, instead of its true function back in the day - to claim women as property.

Nevertheless, bitter activists simply cannot accept the outcome as being truly reflective of the general public.

It's weird what happens to people when they are treated like second class citizens, isn't it? I thought you'd understand this, but maybe you never read a review of one of your films.

So they have placed the brainwashing blame upon the crusading and misleading zealotry of those religious villains: the Catholics, evangelical Protestants, and especially Mormons, who allegedly are robbing the rights of American citizens by merely executing their right to vote and standing upon their moral convictions and traditional views.

Oh, we don't think you're brainwashing anyone. We think you're liars. Mostly because we saw the ads created by the religious cabal. You know, the ones full of blatant lies. Explain that to your Jesus, Chuck. Then when you're done, try a roundhouse kick to your own face.

Oh, and I should add, Defamer had another take on your idiocy.

Yes, and Norris respects those boundaries of marriage, which is why he has already been married, divorced, and remarried, and why he has a daughter he didn't meet until she turned 26 because she was the result of an extramarital affair.

Wow, Chuck really is saving marriage.

Nov 19, 2008

Home Depot Would Like You To Die

Bernie Marcus, the founder and former CEO of Home Depot is not too keen on Democrats.
"If a retailer has not gotten involved with this, if he has not spent money on this election, if he has not sent money to Norm Coleman and these other guys," Mr. Marcus said, apparently referring to Republican senators facing tough re-election fights, then those retailers "should be shot; should be thrown out of their goddamn jobs.
Wow. I wish Bernie would go into politics. He's got a good head on his shoulders. Oh, and Home Depot profits are down 57% this year. Suck it.

Al Qaeda Not Into House Negros

Al Qaeda Ayman al-Zawahiri kicked off this first message to Barack Obama with some trash talk.
Zawahiri said in an audio message posted on militant websites that Mr Obama was “the direct opposite of honourable black Americans” such as Malcolm X.
Honorable. That's what we call Malcom X. He's like a judge. Meanwhile, Obama's like a...
“It is true about you and people like you ... what Malcolm X said about the house negros,” he said, naming Colin Powell, the former US secretary of state, and, Condoleezza Rice, the incumbent.
Hey! Those are are most important Negros!

In all seriousness, Obama was heard worse trash talk on the basketball court. I expect him to dunk on Zawahiri.

Here Come The Cartards

We are in need of some kind of French Revolution.

Today the auto industry CEO's flew to Washington to beg for money from Congress. And they flew in style.
Wagoner flew in GM’s $36 million luxury aircraft to tell members of Congress that the company is burning through cash, asking for $10-12 billion for GM alone. Wagoner’s private jet trip to Washington cost his ailing company an estimated $20,000 roundtrip. In comparison, seats on Northwest Airlines flight 2364 from Detroit to Washington were going online for $288 coach and $837 first class.
That's a small difference. Congressman Gary Ackerman (D-NY) called them out on their bullshit.
There’s a delicious irony of seeing private luxury jets flying into DC, and people coming off of them with tin cups in their hands, saying that they’re going to be trimming down and streamlining their businesses. It’s almost like seeing a guy show up at the soup kitchen in high hat and tuxedo.
Snap.
Kind makes you a little bit suspicious as to whether or not…we’ve seen the future. There’s a message there. Couldn’t you all have downgraded to first class or jet-pooled to get here? It would have at least sent the message that you do get it.
Um, I totally get what you are saying, but I can't fuck hookers on a commercial flight.
Later in the hearing, Rep. Brad Sherman (D-CA) asked if any of the executives planned to sell their private jets; none raised his hand.
We did mention the hooker thing, right?

These people will only learn from suffering. So, we should make them suffer.

Nov 18, 2008

Grandpa Felon Loses Again


Good year for ex-Senator Ted Stevens. First he is convicted on seven counts of being a douchebag, then he loses his Senate seat.

Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens has lost his bid for a seventh term.

The longest-serving Republican in the history of the Senate trailed Anchorage Mayor Mark Begich by 3,724 votes after Tuesday’s count.

That’s an insurmountable lead with only about 2,500 overseas ballots left to be counted.

A Monster has been Stopped. This is a glorious day at Stop All Monsters. Now we will crack a beer.

Dems Decide Against Growing A Spine

It is amusing to watch Democrats in Congress always taking the action that makes them look like pussies. Today, it was the vote on Joe Lieberman.

Joe said a few things about Barack Obama during the campaign that were a bit much and many people were demanded he lose his Homeland Security chairmanship because of it. Senate Democrats voted to let Joe keep his chairmanship.

Uh, yeah. This is the dumbest, most cowardly move I have ever seen. Lieberman shouldn't have kept his committee chairmanship even if he didn't campaign for McCain. He shouldn't keep it because he didn't do his job over the past two years. He didn't investigate the government's reaction to Hurricane Katrina. Why? He didn't want to embarrass his buddy George Bush. That's the guy Democrats just gave one of the most important committee chairmanships to. The guy who wouldn't investigate anything Bush did.

And now, you can be sure, there will be no investigations of Bush after he leaves. How convenient. And the Dems can blame Lieberman for the non-action, when it's what they wanted all along.

Democrats are cowards. Always have been, always will be. This just reaffirms everyone's belief. Prepare yourself for a shocking four years of Democrats getting their asses kicked by Republicans in Congress.

Nov 17, 2008

Crazy Nuts Still Crazy Nutting

They never seem to notice that it doesn't happen.
According to a 2006 study by the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life, a third of white evangelicals believe the world will end in their lifetimes. These mostly conservative Christians believe a great battle is imminent. After years of tribulation—natural disasters, other cataclysms (such as the collapse of financial markets)—God's armies will vanquish armies led by the Antichrist himself. He will be a sweet-talking world leader who gathers governments and economies under his command to further his own evil agenda. In this world view, "the spread of secular progressive ideas is a prelude to the enslavement of mankind," explains Richard Landes, former director of the Center for Millennial Studies at Boston University.
Uh huh. Secular progressive ideas = the enslavement of mankind. Just ask FDR and that New Deal nonsense. It's like we've been working on a plantation ever since.

Let's be honest. It's just white people freaking out because a black guy is in charge.

Bush Gets His Anti-Abortion On

Expect George Bush to attempt to destroy all that is left of our country over the next two months. Today he tried to help out those poor, oppressed Christians who don't want to have anything to do with abortions.
A last-minute Bush administration plan to grant sweeping new protections to health care providers who oppose abortion and other procedures on religious or moral grounds has provoked a torrent of objections, including a strenuous protest from the government agency that enforces job discrimination laws.

The proposed rule would prohibit recipients of federal money from discriminating against doctors, nurses and other health care workers who refuse to perform or to assist in the performance of abortions or sterilization procedures because of their “religious beliefs or moral convictions.”

It would also prevent hospitals, clinics, doctors’ offices and drugstores from requiring employees with religious or moral objections to “assist in the performance of any part of a health service program or research activity” financed by the Department of Health and Human Services.
He's saving babies! Yay!

I guess the good news is that everything he attempts to do goes horribly wrong. I expect this move to somehow kill millions of fetuses.

Finally, Gay Fascism Is Here


Prepare to redecorate, because this shit is going to be ugly. It's gay fascism, also known as gascism, or homazi.

Mr. Newt Gingrich:
“I think there is a gay and secular fascism in this country that wants to impose its will on the rest of us, is prepared to use violence, to use harassment. I think it is prepared to use the government if it can get control of it. I think that it is a very dangerous threat to anybody who believes in traditional religion.”
Um. Hi, Christian guy. I'd like to introduce you to my friend Irony. I'd also like to rub my soft, naked belly against yours. But in a totally non-gay, non-fascist way. Know what I'm sayin' bro?

Step Aside, Coulter, We've Got A New Moron

Make your travel plans now, this fucker is going to blow up!



Wahooooooo! I'll probably have to ship my hate ahead of time because I can't fit it in my suitcase anymore.

Totally Not A Perle Necklace

Richard Perle is one of the right wing architects of the wonderful Iraq War. He made the famous quote, "We will be greeted as liberators." Obviously, dude is way smart. Now he has some doubts about the future of George W. Bush square in Baghdad.

FP: Does the rosy picture at all represent the country we see today?

PERLE: Is it rosy today? Do I think most Iraqis have been liberated? Absolutely. …Obviously if it deteriorates into chaos or a new Saddam emerges and people are no better off than they were before, then there won’t be [a square named after President Bush]. …I think [Iraqis] will look back and say, we paid a terrible price, but it’s worth it.

Wow. I can't believe there would ever be a reason not to name a square after Bush in Baghdad. This is very upsetting.

Breaking News: White House Still Full Of Douchebags

While Congress is coming up with a plan to bail out Detroit automakers, the Bush White House is saying they are not interested. Please don't pay attention to the 700 billion Congress just gave the Treasury Secretary for Wall Street.

The White House Monday came out swinging against a Democratic plan to aid America's ailing auto industry, as the Senate prepared to debate a $25 billion package.

"We believe that this assistance should come from the program created by Congress that was specifically designed to assist the automakers -- from the $25 billion Department of Energy loan program," said White House spokeswoman Dana Perino in a lengthy statement.

Oh, right. Take it out of the funds that were set aside to create more energy efficient cars, not the 700 billion set aside for rich idiots. Right now I'm thinking of a young woman covered in black oil on James Bonds bed. Don't know why, that's just what I'm thinking.

Obama Gets His Nerd On

This gives me hope.
He is a big fan of Star Trek. He said himself: "I grew up on Star Trek. I believe in the final frontier." And, when Leonard Nimoy was the guest on NPR's "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!" in September, he said that he had run into "one of the presidential candidates" and that that candidate had, upon seeing Nimoy, given him the Vulcan salute. He refused to name the candidate, but said he "was not John McCain."
If only JJ Abrams felt the same way. That new trailer makes me want to punch him in the neck.

Nov 16, 2008

Maru Break

You heard me. Maru is a cat.



What a madman.

Please Stay Indoors

For those living in Los Angeles, we have been advised not to go outside.
The South Coast Air Quality Management District is predicting unhealthful air quality today across Orange County and many areas of Los Angeles County because of ongoing wildfires fanned by the Santa Ana winds.
Oh, and if you are inside, Los Angeles County officials recommend that you...

* Do not use fireplaces, candles and vacuums.

Damn. I usually go through a cord of wood on these 90 degree days.

Iraq Asks Its Saviors To Leave

Turns out Iraqis also have a thought about whether or not we should have troops all up in their shit.
The Iraqi cabinet voted overwhelmingly Sunday to approve the security agreement that sets the conditions for the Americans' continued presence in Iraq from Jan. 1 until the end of 2011.
The end is near.
The draft approved Sunday requires coalition forces to withdraw from Iraqi cities and towns by the summer of 2009 and from the country by the end of 2011. An earlier version had language giving some flexibility to that deadline, with both sides discussing timetables and timelines for withdrawal, but the Iraqis managed to have the deadline set in stone, a significant negotiating victory.
It's almost like they don't care about George Bush. After he saved them. How fucked up is that?

Now the bill will go before parliament.


Time to bring the funk.

Nov 15, 2008

Alan Keyes Files Lawsuit Against Myth

Alan Keyes has filed a suit in California to try to stop Obama from becoming president. You read that correctly. The guy Obama kicked the living shit out of in the Illinois Senate race a couple of years ago wants the state of California to hold off certifying Obama until he can prove he is a citizen of the United States.
Presidential candidate Alan Keyes.....have filed suit in California Superior Court in Sacramento seeking to bar Secretary of State Debra Bowen from certifying to Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger the names of Electors, and from transmitting to each presidential Elector a Certificate of Election, until documentary proof is produced and verified showing that Senator Obama is a “natural born” citizen of the United States, and does not hold citizenship of Indonesia, Kenya or Great Britain.
Also, Keyes will file suit in Washington seeking to halt state certification until Obama can prove he is not a centaur. And he's going to sue unicorns, for being unicornish. Also, there are rumors that he is going to run for Vice President of the Shire.

Nov 14, 2008

Best Suicide Ever

Suicide by tiger. Nobody comes close.
Nordin Montong, 32, was known by co-workers for his erratic behavior and mood swings.

"Goodbye, I won't be seeing you again."

Those were the Malaysian cleaner's last words uttered to a co-worker at the Singapore Zoo before he rode away on his bike to take his own life.

A short while after, at around 12:15 pm, witnesses watched in horror as he overcame a 1.2m barrier and jumped into the 10m wide moat of a white tiger exhibit.

He proceeded to 'taunt' the big cats, waving a pail and brooms. Three 100 kg albino tigers pounced, bit his neck and dragged him to the back of the enclosure.
If you're going out, go out big.

Obama Tries To Get Hillary Out Of The Senate

Obama has apparently offered the Secretary of State job to Hillary Clinton.
President-elect Barack Obama offered Sen. Hillary Clinton the position of Secretary of State during their meeting Thursday in Chicago, according to two senior Democratic officials. She requested time to consider the offer, the officials said.
I think it is an awesome idea, only because it will make right wing lunatics lose their mind. Rush Limbaugh would shit out a giant Rush Limbaugh.

She wouldn't be too bad at the job, but Bill Richardson would be the best pick.

Gay Marriage ----> Murder In The Streets

A voice of reason his finally spoken out on gay marriage. Yesterday, Bill O'Reilly explained what two gentlemen living together in a house would mean to America.
O’REILLY: So you can see the debate over gay marriage is now a full fledge national battle. As talking points said last night the election of Barack Obama has emboldened secular progressives who feel it is their time. Gay marriage just the beginning. Other cultural war issues will also be in display very shortly. These include limiting gun possession, legalizing narcotics, unrestricted abortion and the revocation of the Patriot Act.
And how. I was waiting for someone to make these connections. Look, here's how it works. First dudes start marrying dudes. Because two dudes are living together and having analcourse, abortions go apeshit. And by apeshit, I mean people having them in the 10th month of pregnancy at pool parties. Why? Because everyone's eye will be on the ball, which is the two gay guys having analcourse. We stop paying attention to the pro-choice freaks, abortion parties start springing up everywhere and whammmo. It's unrestricted abortion time.

Now, this is where it gets crazy. When people suddenly realize that abortion is a fad, they start freaking out. And when they start freaking out, they get high. On drugs. Next thing you know, drugs are legal. That only leads to more dudes marrying dudes and the nation's first abortion festival.

This is when things get really bad. Now, everyone is high, women AND MEN are getting abortions for the hell of it and gay dudes are having sex in wedlock. At this point, Congress says "fuck it" and repeals the Patriot Act. They don't care about anything anymore. Their little hearts are broken, so they stop caring about America. And when people stop caring about America, the Patriot Act is doomed. I mean, it is called THE PATRIOT ACT. Without patriots, it won't work. Think of that scarecrow without a heart. Same deal.

That brings us to guns. With all the rest of this nonsense going on, gun owners will obviously go insane and start shooting gays, drug addicts and people at abortion parties. That's when Congress grows a couple and passes laws to limit gun posession. It will be the last thing they do before they close up Congress.

So, as you can see, O'Reilly was right. Gay marriage is a problem.

Paul May Continue Trek Toward Failure

This is exciting news. It seems Ron Paul has not ruled out another run at the presidency.
Last week, Campaign for Liberty press guy and Ron Paul grandson-in-law Jesse Benton was driving to a constituent event with his boss and the subject of 2012 came up.

"He hasn’t closed out the idea of another run," said Benton today. "We have some time to decide whether he runs again, or whether he gets behind somebody else. But we don’t have tons of time. By the middle of 2009, the decision needs to be made."
Good news for people who don't read history books.

Take A Break, Grab Something Cool

Like a

Baskin-Robbins Large Heath Bar Shake

  • 2,310 calories
  • 108 g fat (64 g saturated)
  • 266 g
Mmmmmmm. It's like drinking bacon.

Dude Was Right

This is an amusing video starring a gentleman named Peter Schiff warning of a financial meltdown, beginning in 2006. The amusing part is the reaction of idiots like Ben Stein. It's long, but pretty great.

Why We Shouldn't Have Fathers: Part 1


Incoming White House Chief of Staff can't be too happy with his father today.
In an interview with Ma'ariv, Emanuel's father, Dr. Benjamin Emanuel, said he was convinced that his son's appointment would be good for Israel. "Obviously he will influence the president to be pro-Israel," he was quoted as saying. "Why wouldn't he be? What is he, an Arab? He's not going to clean the floors of the White House."
That's a really good point. Also, it's not to surprising considering the old man used to be a terrorist. You read that right, the future White House Chief of Staff's dad was a Jewish terrorist. Finally, Obama has an actual terrorist connection. Yay!
As Abunimah notes, Benjamin Emanuel was a member of Irgun, “the pre-state Jewish militia that carried out terrorist attacks on Palestinians and the British in the 1940s.”
But he was a Jewish terrorist. Boo!

Rahm has apologized for his terrorist father's comments.
"Today, Rep. Emanuel called Mary Rose Oakar, president of the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, apologized on behalf of his family and offered to meet with representatives of the Arab-American community at an appropriate time in the future," said an Emanuel spokesman, Nick Papas.
This is going to be fun.

Nov 13, 2008

Severed Human Foot Update!

A human foot washed up on the coast of British Columbia yesterday. Actually, I should say another human foot.
Another human foot has washed up on British Columbia's south coast, the seventh to be found on the province's beaches since August 2007.
Maybe there's a foot factory out there in the ocean.

Police have determined that two of the shoes - found Feb. 8 on Valdez Island and June 16 off Richmond - are a match.

Yay!

DNA testing linked one foot to a depressed man who disappeared in 2007 but the other remains have not been identified.

Authorities say it appears that all of the feet separated naturally from bodies as they decomposed in the water.

Well, that makes me feel better. It's just bodies floating around, decomposing.

Just Pray It Doesn't Have Children


Whatever happened to shame?

El Coyote Mormon Boycott Morning Blow Out!

Good times were had this morning in LA. El Coyote, a famous Mexican restaurant here, is in the hot seat because a floor manager and niece of the owners donated to the "Yes on 8" campaign. She happens to be a Mormon, which is shocking. At 11 am, Margie held a press conference and outreach to the No on 8 peeps. To say it did not go well would be an understatement.

Shut Up I Know was there. Here's the recap via his website.
Marjorie began talking about how much her Aunt had done to support gays and the plight of the GLBT Community since opening the restaurant and asked that "[she] personally take responsability for [the] blame and anger" because she said she was aware of the boycott and pending protest slated for Thursday (tomorrow 11/13) night outside the front restaurant.

She continued: "It saddens me that my faith keeps you away from The Coyote. I can not and WILL NOT change my lifelong commitment to the Mormon Church. I can not and will not change my commitment to you."

At which point she opened the floor to questions.

At which point, she shouldn't have.

A gentleman by the same of Sam, who said he was an ex-member of the Mormon Church, asked if she was willing to donate to NO on 8.

She started crying.

A representative of the restaurant stepped in and stated that El Coyote was going to donate to Lambda Legal and the Gay and Lesbian Center and Sam said, I asked HER what SHE was going to do.

Marjorie said: "I will not."

At which point the place went insane.

One of the (daughters?) started yelling at everyone telling them (and I quote) "The church just tells you when to donate, it doesn't tell you how to vote. It very, very rarely tells you how to vote." (SHUT UP! I KNOW! X2) "Marjorie is your friend-" at which point someone prominently yelled: "SHE IS NOT MY FRIEND. FRIENDS DON'T HELP TAKE THE RIGHTS AWAY OF OTHER FRIENDS AND THEN BLAME IT ON THEIR CHURCH!"

People applauded in accordance while the mounting tension was palpable.

Once the room calmed down, Marjorie was asked again if SHE would do anything to counteract what she had done and she said: "No." at which point someone yelled "This is bullshit" and another yelled "BOYCOTT EL COYOTE" and Marjorie was swiftly escorted out the back entrance as people dispersed saying "She just made this even worse" and a man started walking through the restaurant telling customers that "MARJORIE VOTED YES ON PROP 8 AND YOUR MONEY IS DOING THE SAME THING BY HER GIVING HER EARNINGS TO THE MORMON CHURCH!"

Everybody got on their cellphones telling everyone what had happened and a guy started protest right away outside the restaurant as the media began filming him, at which point it was OBVIOUS the breakdown of both communication and the potential outreach that Marjorie could have made, failed.
Gotta love the guy who started protesting right away. He put a stop to that 11 am Mexican food breakfast rush. I love the screaming of "They just tell me what to do and I do it." Are Mormons 4 years old? Try using your brain, lemming.

Anyway, fuck the El Coyote. Now, someone needs to open up a new Mexican restaurant in the neighborhood.

Welcome To The World Of No Sympathy

You really gotta feel for this guy.
A white supremacist charged with plotting to kill President-elect Barack Obama and other black people wants his indictment dismissed, arguing that the federal grand jury that charged him had too many black members.
Wow. Tough luck.

Cowart's lawyer filed a petition Thursday seeking to have his client's indictment dismissed.

It argues that the 23-member grand jury that returned the indictment had just two white members and could not have been fair and impartial.

Good luck with that, cracker.

NBC Admits It Is Pathetic

At least that is how I interpret the canceling of My Own Worst Enemy. The show was a fantastic example of everything that is wrong with television. The plot was so ridiculous it was shocking. The star is a man nobody cares about. And it was very expensive to make.

Now, if only someone would cancel Heroes, so I wouldn't suffer through that nightmare every week. I feel like a cutter. I can't stop watching the piece of shit.

Nov 12, 2008

More Mormoycott News!

This latest addition of boycott the Mormons brings you information from the world of film. Alan Stock, CEO of Cinemark, donated a generous $9999.00 to Yes on 8. What's the matter, couldn't spare another dollar?


Feel free to look up your local Cinemark Theater and boycott it. I have never been to the Century 8 in North Hollywood and I certainly won't be going now. Unlike most boycott victims, these guys will actually allow you to input your zip code so you know where not to go. Check here.

And send them an email to let them know how awesome they are. Ask them about their weird underwear and that fucking salamander while your at it.

Grandpa Felon Going Down

Senator Ted Stevens is about to be ex-Senator Stevens. Today's count of the missing 1/3 of the Alaskan votes is not helping the felon.

Begich is now up by 3 votes.
The elections division still has over 10,000 ballots left to count today and thousands more through next week, but the latest numbers show Mark Begich leading Sen. Ted Stevens 125,019 to 125,016.
Suck it, Stevens.

Bush Wants To Put A Stop To Fun

We only have 69 days of terror left, but we should all be concerned about the amount of damage Bush can do before he goes. First up, online gambling.
The Bush administration is moving in its last weeks to complete regulations to enforce a controversial law that seeks to block Internet gambling. The move is drawing hot protests from Democratic lawmakers and supporters of online betting.

"This midnight rulemaking will tie the hands of the new administration, burden the financial services industry at a time of economic crisis and contradict the stated intent of the Financial Services Committee," the committee's Democratic chairman, Rep. Barney Frank, wrote this week to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson.
The law is apparently a vague disaster.
The result has been a cascade of disputes, because the law offered no clear definition of Internet gambling, instead referring to existing federal and state laws that themselves provoke differing interpretations.

Banks, credit unions and others have protested about being put in the position of enforcing an unclear law complicated by the difficulty of determining where payments are going and the fact that online betting businesses can disguise themselves with relative ease.
Oh, my God! Push it through! We need more chaos! Then pass a law that makes everyone drive backwards on the highway!

Now, This Is How It's Done


Whether you fucking like it or not.

More On The Mormon Horde

So, the Mormons really want to make nice now. Many people are saying the church didn't give money, so we shouldn't be going after the church itself. Really? Here's a letter from Margie Christofferrsen, manager and niece of the couple who opened El Coyote Restaurant.
Subject: margie from el coyote

I HAVE BEEN SICK AT HEART THAT ANYONE HAS BEEN OFFENDED BY ME.

I HAVE FAMILY, FRIENDS, EMPLOYEES FROM THE GAY COMMUNITY WHO ARE TREASURED PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

I HAVE BEEN A MEMBER OF THE MORMON CHURCH ALL MY LIFE. I RESPONDED TO THEIR REQUEST WITH MY PERSONAL DONATION.

FOR YEARS THE EL COYOTE HAS FINACIALLY AND GENEROUSLY SUPPORTED THE GAY COMMUNITY AND MANY OF ITS CHARITIES.

PLEASE BE OUR GUEST FOR AN EARLY LUNCH WED., NOV. 12TH AT 11:00 AM AT THE COYOTE AND ALLOW ME TO SPEAK WITH YOU PERSONALLY.

PLEASE CALL AND MAKE A RESERVATION AS SEATING IS LIMITED. (323) 939-2255.

MARGIE CHRISTOFFERSEN
So, the church asked members to give. What's the difference between actually giving and telling members to donate? Time to boycott all things Mormon, like that weird underwear, gold plates and salamanders.

New Fear Map

This is exciting. Google has created a flu trend map. Keep an eye on your state and the country, as the flu sweeps across our great nation on its journey to your tummy.

Keep an eye on Maine. "Moderate" my ass.

Nov 11, 2008

Lawmaker Tears Open A Sack of Idiot


Wow. These morons never cease to amaze. Obama has proposed creating a "civilian national security force." He want to expand AmeriCorps and create service programs like "Classroom Corps." It would be like a Peace Corp for teachers.

Obviously, that is the beginning of Nazism, according to Georgia Republican Congressman Paul Broun.
“That’s exactly what Hitler did in Nazi Germany and it’s exactly what the Soviet Union did,” Broun said. “When he’s proposing to have a national security force that’s answering to him, that is as strong as the U.S. military, he’s showing me signs of being Marxist.”

“We can’t be lulled into complacency,” Broun said. “You have to remember that Adolf Hitler was elected in a democratic Germany. I’m not comparing him to Adolf Hitler. What I’m saying is there is the potential of going down that road.“
First of all, that is some crazy, sexy language. Second, having young people be of service to their country is so much like Nazis that my spine is all tingly. It's just a short step from the Peace Corp to killing Jews. Wake up, people!

Better Than Obama's Win



Nice. Suck it Dodger fans.

The Bumper Stickers Are Here!



Only 5 bucks. That's not a high price to pay to save your nation (These guys don't really know how Congress works).

News From The Right Wing Civil War

This is truly a wonderful thing to watch. Right wing lunatics are battling other right wing lunatics over the future course of the party. Sarah Palin is at the heart of the battle.

Now some are calling for a boycott of Fox News because, you know, it's too liberal.
I propose that we punish the FOX Network for its hatchet job on Sarah Palin.

For one week beginning at 3:00 PM today no one tunes them in. We will demonstrate the power of conservatives when their ratings plummet dramatically.

Will you join me?

You know I will, bro. And others are on board.
I am with you all the way my friend...i hope FOX goes off the air...hate em now...
Wow. I hope Fox goes off the air too.
I don't watch Fox. Too far left.
Um, what just happened?
I haven’t watched FOX since the interview they did with Hussein.
BTW, I’m still boycotting France.
Well, yeah...

We need a new tv news channel that is completely conservative. We have the talent. Rush, Ingraham, Levin, Hannity, Beck, Boortz, and others. Until then, I am cancelling cable.

I watch the Weather Channel often - to actually get the weather - but they are very liberal and promote “climate change” as part of their agenda. Be warned.

Fucking Weather terrorists.

Mexican Mormon Boycott LA Style

Sweet, the Mormon boycott is hitting my neighborhood. I admit, the food is not the best, but the wife and I do like to occasionally head to El Coyote for a couple of margaritas. Those days are over.

Owner Marjorie Christoffersen donated to the Yes on 8 douchebags. She's also a Mormon. What a surprise.

In an attempt to stop a boycott, Marjorie is holding an open breakfast Wednesday at 11 am. Good luck with that. I will no longer he eating your hate tacos.

Oh, Shit. It's Mad

Sarah Palin is all mad at bloggers and stuff.
Ms. Palin directed most of her media criticism at liberal bloggers, whom she twice called, “those bloggers in their parents’ basement just talkin’ garbage.”
Oh, lovely. You went with the hackiest attack in the book. Well done.

Sarah Palin:


Always has been, always will be. America's not interested.

God, It's Me Dave

Please make this happen, bro (I have a pretty casual relationship with God).
Palin, who could seek re-election in 2010 or potentially run for president in four years, said she will rely on faith.

"Putting my life in my creator's hands -- this is what I always do," she said.

Really? Because using your logic, the creator just handed you a Jesus style beat down.

"I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door ... And if there is an open door in '12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I'll plow through that door."

You painted a pretty picture with words. I also want to see you "plow through that door."

Nov 10, 2008

Americans Are Dumber Than A Box Full Of Boxes

Seriously, how fucking stupid can you be? Do people wake up in the morning and smash their head into the wall?
Despite the down economy, falling gas prices have driven consumers back to the sport utility vehicles they once gave the cold shoulder.

Workers at General Motor's Arlington, Texas, SUV assembly plant began working overtime this month and are scheduled to remain on overtime for the rest of the year. The plant, which employs 2,500 workers, is now the only GM factory building full-size sport utility vehicles like the Chevrolet Tahoe, GMC Yukon and Cadillac Escalade. Although sales of the vehicles are still down overall, they have rebounded in recent weeks as gas prices have fallen and cash-strapped automakers have slashed prices.

The vehicles have proven to be a solid source of revenue for GM."We're still on overtime," plant spokeswoman Wendi Sabo told The Dallas Morning News. "Nothing has changed."
After he said "nothing has changed," he shot his gun into the air and punched a gay.

We are hopeless.

How McCain Feels


Probably shouldn't have been such a douche.

Stop All Monsters Calls Minnesota Race

I'm calling it for Franken. It's really not looking good for Coleman.

538.com
Until now, however, we have been assuming that ballot tabulation errors are equally likely to favor Franken and Coleman -- but this is probably not the case. Why not? There is substantial evidence that undervotes and overvotes are significantly more common among what we might call vulnerable voters -- in particular, minorities, elderly voters, low-income and low-education voters, and first-time voters. A 2001 study for the House Committee on Government Reform, found that undervoted ballots were more than twice as common in minority-heavy, low-income precincts than in predominately white, upper-income precincts -- even when using the relatively reliable, precinct-based optical scanning system that Minnesota uses. (The discrepancies are significantly higher when using less reliable technologies like punch cards.)
There is supposed to be a vote count coming in tonight that will make a big difference.

Look Who's Coming To Dinner

Get your shit out of my house.

Just Let American Car Companies Die



I totally want one!