Jul 31, 2008

Lieberman Still Doesn't Know Who Did It


Joe Lieberman is one of the worst human beings alive. It's true, I read it somewhere - probably on this blog. Joe has this problem of opening his mouth and saying things. Horrible, horrible things. Today, he and Lindsay "I'm not gay" Graham announced they would be introducing a resolution that will reward something that never happened.
LIEBERMAN: That’s why Senator Graham and I are introducing a resolution recognizing the strategic success that the surge has achieved in a central front — the central front of the war on terror against the enemies who attacked America on 9/11/01, and expressing our thanks to our troops who’ve made that success possible.

Um. The surge is in Iraq. The people who attacked us on 9/11 were from Afghanistan. Maybe we should also introduce a resolution thanking Santa Claus for all the money he left under our pillows after our teeth fell out.

Double Dare

Try to listen to two minutes of this McCain tool without having thoughts of hitting him with a hammer. Good luck.

Rapper Doesn't Understand Words


In case you haven't heard, Ludicrous has released a pro-Obama song. The lyrics are wonderful.
McCain don't belong in ANY chair unless he's paralyzed.

Um. Hey, Ludicrous, that doesn't make sense. AT ALL. So, he can't sit down unless he's paralyzed? Not even in a McDonald's or on a park bench? Why? Are chairs now some sort of incredible achievement? And it's "doesn't."

Your lyrics are ludicrous. Oh, I GET IT!

The rest of the lyrics to this word feast can be found here.

Further Proof That Ron Paul Is Horrible


Found a bit of a hiccup in the Utopian Libertarian philosophy of the world today, via amazing idiot Ron Paul. Yesterday, Paul voted against a ban on lead and other dangerous chemicals from items such as jewelry and rubber ducks that children can suck on. He was the only one. The vote was 424 to 1.

Alarmed by a year of recalls targeting millions of tainted toys, the House voted overwhelming Wednesday to ban lead and other dangerous chemicals from items such as jewelry and rubber ducks that could end up in kids' mouths.


The ban would also make sure all toys are tested in a lab, before they are given to children, who shove them in every hole in their bodies. Ron Paul, who is a doctor, stayed true to the Libertarian belief that the free market will fix everything, which is a child-like, Utopian view of the world. And in this instance, dangerous. Libertarians would rather the market punish manufacturers who put so much lead in toys that they cause brain damage in children. See, first kids have to suffer brain damage, then we do something about it by not purchasing their deadly toys. Did I mention this moron is a doctor? And a father? And a grandfather? And a moron?

So, This Is The First Lady of France


Um, Laura Bush pretty disappointing at this point.

Dude So Bad We Killed Him Twice

You have to be one mean motherfucker for the US military to kill you twice. Abu Khabab al-Masri is exactly that. I don't know how many times we are going to have to kill him, but you can expect our military to step up every single time he re-animates.

We killed him for the second time two days ago. The shit went down in Pakistan.
July 29, 2008
One of al Qaeda's top chemical and biological weapons experts was killed in an air strike by a CIA pilotless drone in a remote Pakistani border region, senior Pakistani intelligence officials told CBS News Tuesday morning.

Intelligence officials investigating the early Monday missile attack confirmed that Midhat Mursi al-Sayid Umar, also known as Abu Khabab al-Masri was one of six men killed and his remains had been positively identified.

You'd think he would have been ready for it, since we already killed him in Pakistan once previously. What a dumbshit.
Jan. 18, 2006
ABC News has learned that Pakistani officials now believe that al Qaeda's master bomb maker and chemical weapons expert was one of the men killed in last week's U.S. missile attack in eastern Pakistan.

Midhat Mursi, 52, also known as Abu Khabab al-Masri, was identified by Pakistani authorities as one of four known major al Qaeda leaders present at an apparent terror summit in the village of Damadola early last Friday morning.


That's right, bitch. You dead. Again. Oh, and get a new headshot. This one makes you look like a freak.

Jul 30, 2008

Russian Judge Figures Out Sexual Harrassment

Finally, a voice of reason in the sexual harrassment debate. A 22-year-old woman in St. Petersberg, Russia, brought a case against her employer because she was locked out of the office after she refused to have sex with him. Thankfully, the judge was a genius.

The judge said he threw out the case not through lack of evidence but because the employer had acted gallantly rather than criminally.

"If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children," the judge ruled.

Bam. Case closed. I don't want to hear another word about this nonsense, ladies. Now, let's get back to "work."

Britney Hilton Obama

McCain has created a new ad that is shockingly retarded.



Uh. Right. By the way, it's not a good idea to show 200,000 people cheering for your opponent in YOUR AD. Is this ad supposed to reach that massive group of Americans who hate popular people? Are we supposed to vote for the guy nobody likes?

And what's the best way to follow up people chanting "Obama" and showing him in front of massive crowds? Well, how about a shot of McCain staring off into the distance like an Alzheimer's victim? Jesus, what a fucking train wreck.

Jesus Comes Back as a Cheeto

Bummer for Jesus. I feel like he's really going to be ineffective in this new life. I mean, of all the things he could have come back as, he chose a Cheeto? Really, really stupid, Jesus.


A High Ridge, Mo., woman says she has found Jesus in a bag of Cheetos. Kelly Ramey says, "I think I found Jesus on a Cheeto as funny as that sounds."

She bought a bag of a local convenience store, and inside the bag she felt something unusual.

"I looked at that and I thought, 'Oh my that looks like Jesus on the cross.' It was just like wow," she says.

Totally. I mean, look at the eyes and the hair. It looks exactly like Jesus. And Jesus had no legs, a tiny head and crazy thick arms with no shoulders. So, obviously, that is Jesus.

Dough Boy Is A Bad Boy


Congressional Democrats are actually pretending like they are going to do something about Karl Rove blowing off their subpoena to testify in the Justice Department bruhaha.
A U.S. congressional panel voted on Wednesday to find former presidential adviser Karl Rove in contempt for defying a subpoena to testify in its probe into suspected political meddling at the Justice Department.

On a party-line vote of 20-14, the Democratic-led House of Representatives Judiciary Committee approved a contempt citation against President George W. Bush's former deputy chief of staff and political adviser and sent it to the full House of Representatives for needed concurrence.

Man, it is going to be exciting when nothing comes of this...

Harriet Miers anyone? How about Joshua B. Bolten? They were held in contempt a year ago. The Democratic Congress has no testicles and Karl Rove IS A TESTICLE.

Jul 29, 2008

Republicans Create Shocklingly Non-Hilarious Obama Webpage

The GOP is getting quite feisty. They have created a web page that looks like Facebook, but it's called BarackBook. Get it? It's got Barack's name instead of the word "Face." Pretty good stuff. And the quality only improves from there.


Check out this hilarious gem of what Barack is up to now.

Barack is hoping to settle on an Iraq policy before November.

Hee hee. Get it? Besides having stated his Iraq policy many times and even written about it in the New York Times, he still hasn't "settled" it. Oh, and John McCain just said he was for setting a withdrawal timetable. Don't let those pesky facts get in the way of your funny! And there's more! Look at Barack's updates.
William Ayers has updated his profile

Antoin "Tony" Rezko is now friends with Nadhmi Auchi

Barack Obama and William Ayers are now friends with Marilyn Katz

Barack Obama is now friends with William Ayers

Ha ha! Obama is FRIENDS with those guys! Holy shit, I just laughed so hard my ass came out of my face. Can these guys get any funnier?
In Case You Missed It: Obama In Iraq`s Quicksand
Oh, yes they can! Quicksand is something people sink into and there is lots of sand in Iraq, so this is a clever way of saying Obama is sinking on his incredibly popular Iraq policy that was endorsed by the Prime Minister of Iraq! Good one!

Keep up the good work, RNC! You guys are like the Daily Show, but without the annoying funny stuff.

Earthquake Stories!


I was watering my garden and admiring a new cucumber. The quake hit. I looked around. A guy in a nearby building yelled, "Everyone get out of the building!" I looked around more.

Then it stopped. I had continued to water throughout the earthquake, because I have fucking nerves of steel.



Now, that's an earthquake story.

Actors Embarrass Themselves Again

Wow. Some not so well known actors made a video in support of Barack Obama. To say it is embarrassing is an understatement.



Nope. No questions.

New Bestest Candidate Nominee


I believe this is the third bestest candidate nominee this month. Today we have the longest serving Republican Senator and a man who believes the Internet is "a series of tubes." Ted fucking Stevens. He's running for another Senate term but is going to be hampered by those seven indictments he picked up today. Usually, candidates try to pick up endorsements.

Sen. Ted Stevens, the longest-serving Republican senator and a figure in Alaska politics since before statehood, was indicted Tuesday on seven counts of failing to disclose thousands of dollars in services he received from a company that helped renovate his home.

From May 1999 to August 2007, prosecutors said, the 84-year-old senator concealed "his continuing receipt of hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of things of value from a private corporation."

The indictment unsealed Tuesday says the items included: home improvements to his vacation home in Alaska, including a new first floor, garage, wraparound deck, plumbing, electrical wiring; as well as a Viking gas grill, furniture and tools.

What? A guy can't get a new first floor, garage and wraparound deck from a buddy? Why so tight assed America?

Jul 28, 2008

Poor Brain Tumor


I never really thought I'd feel sorry for a brain tumor, but that day has arrived. Today Sith Robert Novak announced he has a brain tumor.

Novak issued a statement Monday saying the tumor was found Sunday after he had been rushed to Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital from Cape Cod, where he was visiting his daughter.

The Chicago Sun-Times columnist says he is suspending his journalistic work for an indefinite, "but God willing, not too lengthy period." His statement did not say if the tumor was malignant.

Bummer. For the tumor, I mean. Could you imagine being stuck inside of Robert Novak? Shiver.

Bumblin', Stumblin', McCain!

What a train wreck.

We Are All Going To Die

I don't know how else to respond to this story, other than to accept this is the end of mankind. Why else would this creature exist?



Curious locals flocked to the home of owner Feng Changlin after news of the piglet spread in Fengzhang village, Xiping township.

"It's hideous. No one will be willing to buy it, and it scares the family to even look at it!" Feng told Oriental Today.

He says the piglet looks just like a monkey, with two thin lips, a small nose and two big eyes. Its rear legs are also much longer than its forelegs, causing it to jump instead of walk.

Feng's wife said the monkey-faced piglet was one of five newborns of a sow which the family had raised for nine years.

"My God, it was so scary. I didn't known what it was. I was really frightened," she said.

"But our son likes to play with it, and he stopped us from getting rid of it. He even feeds it milk."
Well, there son is obviously a moron. But the neighbors are even dumber.
Neighbors have suggested the couple keep the piglet to see how it looks as it matures.
Um, have you ever seen a horror movie? Ever? If this thing grows up, a lot of people die.

Bestest End To A Wedding

Hmmm. What to do when a wedding reception gets out of hand? And I'm talking about really out of hand.
Burnison, who rented the gallery to the Somoras for the reception, told Enders the party had gotten out of hand, and there were broken glasses and spilled drinks.

Wow. Broken glass and spilled drinks at a party. I've never heard of such a thing. I guess the cops hadn't either.
Skowron said the crowd got particularly unruly after police handcuffed Andy Somora's father and put him in the back of a police cruiser. He said the elder Somora, whom he described as "a distinguished older gentleman," was trying to talk to Enders to defuse the situation.

"I didn't believe it, but I witnessed it. It was brutal, and that's when Andy got really mad," he said.


Uh oh. The groom "got really mad." This isn't going well.
Skowron said Andy Somora had to be restrained by police and was tasered at least twice. His wife also received a shock because she was touching her husband during one of the incidents. Skowron said husband and wife were both arrested.

There's an old saying, "If you are tasered at your own wedding, many happy years will follow." Either that or it's, "Wow, that sucked."

Jul 25, 2008

Off To Comic Con

I will be covering it for Suicide Girls.com You can check there for regular updates.

I'm hoping to find this guy.

McCain Beats Hillary Clinton!!!

Wow, this is exciting. There's a page from the future on John McCain's website. It has an awesome news story from the future - a future in which he beats Democratic opponent Hillary Clinton.
Republican Senator John McCain was elected president last evening, defeating Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Democratic nominee. McCain's victory came by winning the "red" states that supported President Bush in 2004, while also winning independents to capture the key battleground states of Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota.

McCain ran a disciplined campaign that focused on the issues of reforming the culture of Washington and vigorously prosecuting the war on terror. Political experts expressed surprise that McCain was able to wrest the mantle of change away from Clinton, given that she represented the party out of power which normally lays claim to being the agent of change.

And they found a photo that makes him took like a retard, just to top it off.



Suck on that, Hillary!



(The internets really hard. Once you put something up, forget about it. It's like carving it in stone)

McCain Gives Life to 60s Villain

It's amazing to watch the McCain campaign stumble through this election year like a drunk hobo. Their latest internet ad is a doozey.


Um. First, he's almost dead and doesn't run Cuba anymore. Second, and honestly, outside of a small bunch of people in Florida, nobody gives a shit. You guys have created several new villains since then, you should try to connect him to one of those guys. I have a tip: One's name rhymes with "Obama."

Oh, and you shouldn't use the Sterling Cooper advertising agency from Mad Men, because that was the early 60s.

Giant, Round Ass Soils Flag


Take a good look at this ass. It is the ass of a criminal. It is an unpatriotic ass.
A naked model photographed using Peru's flag as a saddle while mounted on a horse will face charges that could put her in jail for up to four years for offending patriotic symbols, the country's defense minister said on Wednesday.

Leysi Suarez took the photo for the cover of DFarandula magazine. She claims the photo was patriotic.

"I haven't committed a crime. I love Peru and show it with my body and soul."

And your vagina, because that's what you just got all over the flag.

You can see for yourself, here. Obviously, it was a classy photo shoot. Doesn't at all look like it's in someone's backyard or a random dirt road.

McDonalds Loves Hot Man on Man Action

It's true. I read it on the Interweb. Christians are freaking out and calling for a boycott of McDonalds. And they have made videos to explain their position. Really, really great videos.



Do you understand now? Me neither. But I'm happy when anyone boycotts McDonalds, so it's a win win.

Jul 24, 2008

New Worst Thing Ever

Jesus.



That makes me wish I didn't have eyes.

Hat tip: Wonkette

Idiot Thinks Making Petition is "Fascist."


Juan Williams has a hole in his head, just below his nose. Because of that, Williams seems to think any thought rambling around in his moronic skull should exit that hole. My God is he wrong.

Yesterday, Juan was on the Bill O'Reilly show. Bill is mad at MoveOn.org, as usual. In this instance, Bill is upset because MoveOn signed a petition created by Rap star Nas (no, it's not a joke). The petition calls for Fox News to “stop its racist smears against the Obamas and other Black Americans.” Usually racism is halted by petitions, so this is a quality move - and it has Bill and Juan upset. During his "I'll say anything to be on TV" rant, Juan let this gem out of that hole I referred to earlier:
WILLIAMS: I say what is the basis for your making this claim? It is fascist, Bill, fascist. They don’t want anybody to speak any word that differs from theirs. They have their own political agenda. And they’re using this to make FOX a whipping boy…

O’REILLY: Absolutely, absolutely.
Right. Juan totally nailed it. It's fascism. Most people don't know petitions are the most widely used tools of fascists. Who can forget the horrible petitions of Hitler?

"Sign if you no likey Jews."
Remember when Mussolini created that hideous petition against the gypsies?
"Sign if you want more racist smears against gypsies."
And General Franco -
"Please sign if you think totally Catalonia sucks.
It's nice to have people on the air who have such a solid grasp on things like fascism and its connection to the horrors of petitions.

Words Come Out Of Stupid Old Man's Mouth


McCain is clearly one of the dumbest candidates ever to spring forth from a coffin. Yesterday he was in New Hampshire, where he told the good people of tiny state that it is time to start rationing veteran health care.

Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain appeared Tuesday to suggest rationing of veterans’ health care may be needed so combat veterans can receive the care they deserve.

At a town hall meeting in Dover, N.H., McCain talked about the need to “concentrate” veterans’ health care on people with injuries that “are a direct result of combat.”

“Right now, there are people who drive a long way and they stand in line to stand in line to get an appointment to get an appointment,” McCain said.
Thanks, incredibly rich son of an Admiral. I'm sure by tomorrow he will be saying the opposite. You know how I know that? Because after McCain says something, the next day is always "Opposite day."

Obama Lowers Miracle Threshold

First George Bush lowered the "Hero" threshold. Heroes are now people who are working when bad people attack buildings. And now Barack Obama has seriously dropped "miracle" down a few notches.

Barack Obama called Israel a "miracle" as he courted Jewish voters back home Wednesday...

Obama paid his respects to President Shimon Peres, and his role in Israel's history, before meeting Prime Minister Ehud Olmert.

"You have been deeply involved in this miracle that has blossomed and we are extraordinarily grateful not just as Americans but as world citizens for your outstanding service to your country," Obama told Peres.
I guess this also make the US a "miracle," which is pretty disappointing for miracles. This is George Bush speak. It is code to American evangelicals, which I find pretty disgusting. I'm kinda done with the evangelical code shit.

And I'm not sure if Obama can get his nose farther up the asshole of Israel, but it's fun to watch.

Jul 23, 2008

Italy Democracy FAIL.


And you thought Bush and Congress were bad. Italy has shown our guys how to do it.
The Senate approved a bill that effectively grants Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi immunity from prosecution during his term, the ANSA news agency reported. The law grants immunity to Italy’s four most powerful elected officials, the prime minister, the president and the speakers of the two chambers of Parliament, while they are in office.
Um. Hello murder spree.

Apparently, Mr. Prime Minister needed it most.
The most immediate beneficiary is Mr. Berlusconi, who had been awaiting trial, accused of paying his British lawyer, David Mills, $600,000 to give favorable testimony in two trials.
Good luck, Italy.

The Kid Can Throw


Just fucking deal with it.

Robert Novak Can't Wait For Death Race


Apparently, horrible man and political columnist Robert Novak can't wait for the terrible, toothless remake of Death Race to come out - he's running fuckers over now.

Syndicated columnist Robert D. Novak was cited by police after he hit a pedestrian with his black Corvette in downtown Washington, D.C., Wednesday morning.

The pedestrian, a 66-year-old male, was hospitalized at George Washington University Hospital with minor injuries according to DC Fire and EMS. Novak was later released by police and drove away from the scene.
Robert always looks at the positive side of any situation. He's an optimist!
"He's not dead, that's the main thing."
Yes, that is the main thing. Not that he possibly can't walk or maybe has a ruptured spleen, just that dude is still alive. Maybe like Terry Schiavo was alive, right?

Apparently, Bob didn't want to stop after running dude over.
David Bono, a partner at Harkins Cunningham, was on his usual bike commute to work when he saw the accident happen.

Bono said a "black Corvette convertible with top closed plowed into the guy. The guy is sort of splayed onto the windshield.”

Bono said the pedestrian, who was crossing the street on a "Walk" signal and was in the crosswalk, rolled off the windshield and then Novak made a right into the service lane of K Street. “The car is speeding away. What’s going through my mind is, you just can’t hit a pedestrian and drive away,” Bono said.

Bono went and pulled his bike in front of Novak, who tried to get away. Finally he gave up. Now Novak says he never saw the guy who ROLLED OF HIS FUCKING WINDSHIELD.

UPDATE: Turns out when you hit a 66 year old man with your car - it does bad things.

The victim, a 66-year-old man, appeared somewhat incoherent, said the source who had seen the victim. The man appeared to have casts on his neck and back. The victim was X-rayed and a surgical team plans to evaluate him, the source said.

Jul 22, 2008

Man Wins Dumbest Asshole of the Year Award IN JULY!


Wow. This is truly an impressive feat. Jaime Sneider, who spells his name like a moron, just picked up the coveted Stop All Monsters Asshole of the Year Award. Usually we wait until December to roll this baby out, but Sneider could not be denied after his latest post on the Weekly Standard website.
No one has taken the Obama campaign to task for its coffee expenditures...Before its June report was filed, the Obama campaign had spent about $1,800 at Starbucks and $1,400 at Dunkin Donuts. The McCain campaign, on the other hand, has spent a mere $498 at Starbucks and $970 at Dunkin' Donuts. It is also well known the Straight Talk Express is stocked with Dunkin' Donuts coffee.
Well, that's about the most useless fact in the history of words, Jaime. Just so you know, Obama's team has money coming out of every orifice. It practically falls out of the sky in clumps. McCain is basically selling fruit from an old vegetable cart to scrape up a couple of bucks. Also, how many people work on the Obama campaign compared to the McCain campaign? Didn't include that info? That's because you're a complete and total imbecile.
If coffee is a heuristic for the presidential election, then McCain campaign is in good shape.
It isn't. That's why you just won the Dumbest Asshole of the Year award.

While Starbucks is in the process of closing 600 locations, Dunkin' Donuts is opening dozens. Because Americans are pessimistic about the economy, they're more likely to spend only a buck or two on a cup of coffee than they are to splurge on the mocha chip frappuccino. There is also some dignity in being able to say small, medium, or large as opposed to tall, grande, or venti.
Oh, I get it. They use different names, which you see as un-American - because you have the reasoning ability of a clam. You also just won the Stop All Monsters Fucking Moron of the Year Award. I haven't seen a guy pull off the Double like this is quite some time. You are truly a hero to idiots everywhere.
But if everything is so bad for Starbucks, how did Obama manage to win the primary?
More people voted for him, you shocking simpleton.
Well, fortunately liberal elitists who have money to burn compose a smaller percentage of the overall population than the Democratic Party. Petite vanilla scones are to Obama what the bear claw is to McCain, and Americans are going to choose the latter.
Tell that to McCain's 9 houses.

I hate you. Not because of your political leanings, but because you make humans appear unworthy of the brains they have been given.

Ugh.

It was only a matter of time. Someone just leaked a photo of an "American detainee." He is clearly a danger, so I guess that's why we but him in a sack, jammed a wire through his cheeks and sewed his lips shut.

If true, those would be war crimes your looking at.
According to digital camera metadata the image was taken on Feb 9, 2003 03:49:25. The 6 Aug 2004 is also mentioned in relation to this photo. Wikileaks staff have verified that the photograph came from a US military computer network.

All in your name.

McCain Might Be OLD!

Wow. Some serious reporting is going down at Politico. They have actually gone ahead and written an entire article pondering whether or not John McCain is an old guy with a increasingly lame brain.
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) said “Iraq” on Monday when he apparently meant “Afghanistan”, adding to a string of mixed-up word choices that is giving ammunition to the opposition.

Just in the past three weeks, McCain has also mistaken "Somalia" for "Sudan," and even football’s Green Bay Packers for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
For some reason those are the only mistakes the article mentions. Gramps has made a shitload of "gaffes."
But McCain's mistakes raise a serious, if uncomfortable question: Are the gaffes the result of his age? And what could that mean in the Oval Office?
Well, Republicans love Reagan, who ran around the White House for years not knowing what the fuck was going on - so why would they care if McCain is slowly losing his shit? I'm looking forward to the many videos of McCain walking out of the White House in his PJs and being turned around by the Secret Service when he hits the lawn.

Oh, and great "reporting" by Politico. Also, the sky is blue and clowns are scary.

Jul 21, 2008

Stupid Asshole Finally Rewarded


Sean Hannity finally inked a deal that will give him a sweet $100 million over five years. All he has to do is go on the radio everyday and lie, while talking out of his anus at the same time. Someone's got to do it.
Two of the largest radio station operators have agreed to a syndication deal for conservative talk show host Sean Hannity.

In a joint statement Monday, Citadel Broadcasting Corp. and Clear Channel Radio said they will syndicate Hannity's program starting Dec. 28. Clear Channel's Premier will handle all advertising sales for the show.

Hannity has the second highest radio show, behind Rush Limbaugh, which proves Satan is winning.

New Bestest Candidate Nominee

Here at Stop All Monsters, we will keep a list of all the Bestest Candidates from around the country. Today we get news of the fantastic Brent Reinhart, a county commissioner in Oklahoma who is running for re-election. Brent's a bit of a Christian and an artist. He put those two awesome qualities together and created a comic book. It features angels and devils and gays chasing after their children.


Hilarious, no? The comic book is very complex and full of subtle arguments. For instance, a prominent character of an angel supports Rinehart, while Satan supports Rinehart's critics. Clever, yes? And groundbreaking.
"This is one of the strangest things I've ever seen,” said Keith Gaddie, a political science professor at the University of Oklahoma. "I've never seen a comic book with the phrase ‘anal sodomy' in it before. That was a new one for me.

The dialogue is incredible.

In one sequence, Satan says: "If I can get the kids to believe homosexuality is normal!”

The angel replies: "Hey Satan, not with Brent around you won't!”

Back that shit up, Satan! Big Bad Brent is coming to town! Homosexuality, you may have noticed, seems to be the theme of the comic. Brent is very, very opposed to "the homosexual agenda."


"The history of my office is that I do expose the homosexual agenda, and that it does exist in the state of Oklahoma, and my history also would show that I am very much opposed to the homosexual agenda,” Rinehart said.

Now, lets look at a photo of our new bestest candidate nominee.



Holy shit. That is the gayest photo ever. His eyes are begging for cock. It makes me want to put on one of those togas he drew and head to the nearest "Homosexual Agenda" location for tons O'sodomy.

Titties Given Freedom

After a long battle in the courts, Janet Jackson's breasts are finally free to do whatever in the hell they want. I'm not a lawyer, but that's my interpretation.
Federal judges today tossed out the $550,000 fine levied against CBS Corp. after Janet Jackson's breast was briefly bared during the 2004 Super Bowl halftime show, ruling that the Federal Communications Commission "acted arbitrarily and capriciously" in penalizing the network for a "fleeting image of nudity."
Those are big words, so don't expect an explanation here. Go to some smart, boring blog. As far as we are concerned, those titties can now roam the world without fear of prosecution or, even, death.

Sadly, the breast already appears to be some sort of cyborg.

Jul 20, 2008

Yay! Insurance Company Saves Money!


This is one of those rare 'warm your heart' stories from Stop All Monsters. How many times do we actually come across something that uplifts the soul? Rarely. Today is a true gem.
A 19-year-old Tampa Bay, Fla., woman is suffering from a debilitating brain disorder that may kill her after an insurance company canceled the family's medical coverage just before she was due to receive life-saving brain surgery, Tampa Bay’s 10 News reported.
How horrible would that have been? Can you imagine having to pay for brain surgery? What a disaster.
She was hours from getting the necessary surgery for her condition when her insurance company, Aetna, waited too long to approve the operation, giving the green light 15 minutes too late. By the time it sent approval, Jackson had lost the operating room to another patient and her surgery had to be rescheduled.

But Aetna then told Jackson it would not cover the surgery at all, saying her benefits had run out and leaving her to cover the $113,000 surgery.

Jackson told Tampa Bay’s 10 News that while her family is in talks with lawyers about appealing the insurance company's decision and while Aetna reviews her case, she has put her life on hold.
We need to put a stop to frivolous surgery. Glad someone finally put their foot down. Is it wrong to wish brain cancer on an entire company?

God Damn Hippy Republican

Oregon Republicans have hippy problem and its name is Joel Haugen. Joel is running as the Republican nominee is Oregon's first district. He won the GOP primary with 70% of the vote, but his fellow Republicans aren't down with his bullshit. Haugen has been barred from speaking at, or even attending, the state GOP convention. And he's not allowed to go near Republican booths a fairs and festivals in Columbia and Yamhill Counties. There's still no word on whether or not Fox is going to take away his news channel.

So, what did he do? Child molestation? Did he murder an old lady with her own cane? Did he throw a hump on a llama in a church? Nope. He's, just got some crazy ideas about life.
"He's not a Republican", said Fred Yauney, Chair of the Columbia County Republicans. "He's a Republican in name only", in response to questions about why Haugen was excluded from the nominating convention and not permitted to sit in the county booths.
Hmmm. Like what? Is he not a total dick?
Haugen is staunchly conservative on fiscal issues. However, he also supports universal health care, US energy independence by 2019, a timetable for the removal of US troops from Iraq, and is arguably more progressive on many issues than Democratic incumbent, David Wu.
I'm surprised Republicans aren't publicly stoning him.

Even Republicans Don't Want To See Other Republicans

Welcome to the world of pathetic.
Citing a lack of interest, the Nevada Republican Party has called off its state convention and will instead pick its delegates to the national convention by private conference call.

The state party broke up its original convention in April when supporters of Ron Paul hijacked the proceedings and tried to elect delegates for their candidate to the national GOP convention in September. Party officials tried to reconvene on July 26, but they needed a quorum of 675 and received only 300 RSVPs, according to local reports.

Holy shit. An entire state called off its convention due to a "lack of interest." This election is going to be a hilarious massacre.

Jul 19, 2008

Bad Salesman Day

My X-Box 360 shit the bed, so I was looking through ads on Craigs list for a Wii, when I came across this gem:
Um, hey, your "Wii" looks a lot like an iPhone, bro. And if your nephew is more than one, he is a "they," otherwise, "they" is a "him." Unless he's totally fucked up, then he could be a "they." Whatever. Your picture is wrong. Idiot.

Jul 18, 2008

Shit

The wife just informed me I made a few grammatical errors. It's true. I will now shove a sword into my tummy.

A Delightful McCain New Yorker Cover

Well, now that we've seen a cover by The New Yorker showing what the anti-Obama crowd thinks, how about a little taste for McCain?

This was done by Jeremy Glass and it is pretty much what some people think of "songbird" McCain and his time in Vietnam. Why not? It's satire!

MCain Gives Terrorists a Tip To Kill Obama


It's pretty standard policy not to say when an official of any sort will be visiting Iraq. Turns out they don't want American officials to get "all killed and shit." The White House doesn't do it. The State Department doesn't do it. The Pentagon doesn't do it. But guess who does? John "who gives a shit" McCain!
Republican presidential candidate John McCain said on Friday that his Democratic opponent, Barack Obama, is likely to be in Iraq over the weekend.

"I believe that either today or tomorrow -- and I'm not privy to his schedule -- Sen. Obama will be landing in Iraq with some other senators" who make up a congressional delegation, McCain told a campaign fund-raising luncheon.
Way to go, asshole.

Man, he would make a great president, with all the giving away of information to the enemy and whatnot.

Socialism vs Capitalism.


Word, brother, word.

Holy Shit! McCain is Boring!

A poll revealed that Obama is more exciting than McCain. I'm not sure why anyone took this poll, because if you have eyes and ears it seems obvious. I guess for the few Helen Kellers out there this is shocking. Maybe the worst poll since, "Is cancer bad?"
A total of 38% of Mr Obama's supporters said the election was exciting, compared with 9% of Mr McCain's.

And 65% of Mr Obama's backers said they were hopeful about the campaign, double Mr McCain's, and the Democrat's supporters are also three times more likely to express pride.
I can't believe it.
By 2-to-1 or more, the 71-year-old Arizona senator's backers were more likely than Mr Obama's to say the campaign made them bored, angry and helpless.
Wait. Maybe it was worth it. "Helpless?" Ha ha ha ha ah.

Jul 17, 2008

Hey Morons, She Lost

Some tools going by the name "The Denver Group" are demanding that Hillary's name be "placed in nomination" at the Democratic National Convention, so she can still be selected as the Party's nominee. Seriously. They paid for a newspaper ad.

Here's a tip: Get over it. You're now embarrassing your children. These are the kind of people who would show up to work after having been fired the previous week. You know what guys? When the last second ticks off the clock and everyone leaves the field, you can't still score a touchdown. Morons.

Just Look At It



Jesus, that gives me the willies.

China Bans Loudmouth Elf


Poor Bjork. She won't be allowed to enjoy the many delightful dog entrees in China. Today the Chinese government announced that entertainers who have attended events that "threaten national sovereignty" can no longer enjoy the horrible pollution of the Yangtze. They are now banned.

First on the list: Bjork. She talked smack during a concert in Shanghai recently.
The announcement comes after Bjork shouted "Tibet, Tibet" at a Shanghai concert in March.
Bad elf!
"Any artistic group or individual who have ever engaged in activities which threaten our national sovereignty will not be allowed in," the ministry said in a statement on its website.

The ban was extended to entertainers who "threaten national unity", "advocate obscenity or feudalism and superstition" or who "violate religious policy or cultural norms."


Fuck. They can't even advocate superstition? Booooooo.

Obama is Bush, McCain is Change. Repeat. And Again.


The McCain team has decided on a new game plan. This one involves attempting to convince the American public that Obama is the guy is most like Bush on the Iraq war. If we were unable to read, watch videos or understand words, he'd totally win this one.
On a conference call with reporters, McCain foreign policy adviser Randy Scheunemann compared Barack Obama's insistence on a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq to Bush's insistence that we were winning even as things went badly for years.

I think the American people have had enough of inflexibility and stubbornness in national security policy," Scheunemann said. When asked later by the Huffington Post's Sam Stein whether the campaign was disparaging President Bush, Scheunemann dug in: "We cannot afford to replace one administration that refused for too long to acknowledge failure in Iraq with a candidate that refuses to acknowledge success in Iraq.

By "success" he means, "the country has been ethnically cleansed and religions are now totally separated - in most cases by giant walls through neighborhoods."

This might be the worst run campaign since...Hillary.

New Recruits!

It seems the military is having a hard time convincing young men to sign up to die or go crazy in Iraq. Well, what's a recruiter to do? How about appealing to the worst of the worst?
The Lincoln County Sheriff's Office paired with the Newport-based Army recruiter on Saturday July 12, in an effort to convey information to jail inmates about the possibility of serving in the U.S. armed forces.

This effort is another step by the sheriff's office to allow incarcerated individuals the opportunity to give back to the community.

Yes please, give back, won't you? I can think of nothing better than teaching criminals how to kill better, giving them PTSD and setting them loose on American soil a couple of years later.
Staff Sergeant Justin Morlock of the Army recruiting office in Newport gave some of his own time to the project and was on hand to provide information to all interested individuals. Over a time frame of two hours, Morlock was able to contact more than 30 inmates, out of which three were found to be eligible for military service.

So, 27 dudes were too criminalish? This war is going great.

Jul 16, 2008

The French Can Now Stay Drunk and Awake For Hours and Hours


Finally, freedom has come to France. Red Bull will now be sold in France. I consider this to be an incredible American victory against oppression.

Red Bull has been banned in France for 12 years because health authorities weren't sure about the ingredient taurine. Taurine is banned in several countries. Those countries are called the "nap belt."
Until now a modified version of the drink, containing caffeine but not taurine, was on sale in France.

The French government was forced to legalize the drink because European Union regulations state that a product made or sold in other EU countries cannot be banned unless a health risk is proven, France's food safety agency said on their website.

The health authority nonetheless remained skeptical about Red Bull's safety, given the high levels of taurine and caffeine, suspected of causing "neurophysiological problems".

Bro, neurophysiological problems are why I drink Red Bull. Welcome to the real world, France. Now get drunk and stay awake.

Ron Paul Kills His Campaign Manager


Ah, Libertarians. You walk the walk and then you die because of it. Ron Paul's campaign manager, Kent Snyder, was not provided with health insurance by his employer. (That would be Ron Paul) Snyder was hospitalized two months ago due to pneumonia and ran up $400,000 in hospital bills. Then he died.
Gay staffers from the Paul campaign, some speaking on condition that they not be identified, said they learned about Snyder’s unpaid medical bills from a web site created by his friends that calls on Paul supporters to contribute to a special fund to help Snyder’s family pay the bills, which come mostly from a two-month hospitalization. So far, the site (kentsnyder.com) has raised about $32,000.

“I can’t believe he didn’t have health insurance,” said one political activist who read about Snyder’s unpaid medical bills in a story published last month in the Wall Street Journal. “I can’t believe that Ron Paul didn’t give him health insurance,” said the activist, who asked not to be identified.

Really? Maybe you should read up on the Libertarian philosophy. I'm guessing this is exactly how Paul and Snyder would want it to be. (Except for the dead part)
Craig Max, a D.C. gay Republican activist who sought to become a Ron Paul delegate to the Republican National Convention, said news of Snyder’s death and his lack of health insurance has triggered a behind-the-scenes debate among Paul supporters and libertarian activists over whether or not the Paul campaign should have provided health insurance to its staff.

Right. Employer health insurance is bad, until someone you know dies.
Among the points raised, according to Max and others involved in the Paul campaign, is the fact that Paul is a practicing physician. Some of the Paul supporters are asking why a medical doctor, whose campaign raised $35 million in contributions, chose not to offer health insurance for his staff.

The free market, baby! This is just the free market working itself out. Ron Paul had an awesome excuse.
When asked at the Capitol in Washington on Wednesday about concerns raised by critics that his presidential campaign did not provide employee health insurance, Paul said only that he doesn’t believe any political campaigns offer health insurance.

“I don’t know of any campaign that has health insurance for temporary and other employees,” he said. “I’ve never had it and I’ve been in this business for 30 years. I don’t know any campaign that does.”

Ah, the old, "Nobody else does it" excuse. A classic. And totally wrong. Maybe you should remove your head from your anus for a minute and check around. Here's three:
Spokespersons for the presidential campaigns of Barack Obama and John McCain said both campaigns provide full health insurance coverage to their paid staff. A spokesperson for the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign said Clinton also provided health insurance coverage to campaign staffers before she ended her campaign in early June.

Keep up the fight, Ron Paul! Don't let one dead campaign manager knock you down.

I'm Thinking About Kicking It Old School

That's not a threat, it's just something I'm seriously considering at this moment.

Denver Homeless Living Large (August 25-28 only)

The time to be homeless in Denver is clearly during the Democratic National Convention. The city of Denver has decided the way to handle the homeless is with some kick-ass entertainment!
Hundreds of Denver's homeless could be cooling their heels in a movie theater or museum while the Democratic National Convention is in town next month.

The Colorado Coalition for the Homeless plans to get 500 movie tickets as well as passes to the Denver Zoo, Denver Museum of Nature and Science and other cultural facilities for the people it helps.

As long as you don't mind the smell of urine soaked feet with your popcorn, it's an awesome idea for everyone! And they are getting transpo!
Bus tickets will be provided for events beyond walking distance, said John Parvensky, the non-profit's president.

Wow, I want to be homeless! Besides a few drawbacks, such as fighting off rats for bread and wearing the same pants for 2 years, it seems like a pretty sweet deal.

Dear homeless, Traitor comes out on August 27th. I know you guys love conspiracies!

Moron Shows Why He is a Moron


You may not know Douglas Feith. He is one of the architects of the Iraq War. His job was to filter all intelligence reports to make it appear Iraq was going to kill us all with a knife within minutes. He kind of left out all the important facts, like the ones that revealed Iraq was not much of a threat. Oh, and General Tommy Franks once called him, "The dumbest guy on the planet." So, that's a kick ass resume.

Yesterday, Dougy was in front of House Judiciary subcommittee answering questions during a hearing on torture. Rep. Jerrold Nadler (D-NY) asked Dougy if a 20-hour interrogation that included “hooding” and “removal of clothing” was humane. Feith then sparkled in a way on Doug Feith can.
NADLER: : Let me ask you. How could you force someone to be naked –

FEITH: It doesn’t say naked. It doesn’t say naked.

NADLER: Removal of clothing. Removal of clothing doesn’t mean naked?

FEITH: Removal of clothing is different from naked.

Right. You still have your skin on. Also, hair. God put hair on your johnson so you would not be naked.



What a tool.

Elizbeth Dole Tries To Play a Joke on AIDS

Elizabeth Dole is a huge prankster. What is she up to this week, you ask? Well, how about attempting to name an HIV/AIDS relief bill after Jesse Helms? May as well, I mean, the old demon just died and he did soooo much work for AIDS and HIV.
Jesse Helms, the man who in 1987 described AIDS prevention literature as "so obscene, so revolting, I may throw up."

Jesse Helms, the man who in 1988 vigorously opposed the Kennedy-Hatch AIDS research bill, saying, "There is not one single case of AIDS in this country that cannot be traced in origin to sodomy."

Jesse Helms, the man who in 1995 said (in opposition to refunding the Ryan White Act) that the government should spend less on people with AIDS because they got sick due to their "deliberate, disgusting, revolting conduct."

Jesse Helms, the man who in 2002 announced that he'd changed his mind about AIDS funding for Africa, but not for American gays, because homosexuality "is the primary cause of the doubling and redoubling of AIDS cases in the United States."

Now, that guy deserves something special. Also, we should name the next bill giving military aid to Israel after Hitler.

Jul 15, 2008

This Guy Doesn't Understand How To Brag

Bestest Mugshot Ever

Holy shit, I can die now. Daniel Everett, from Michigan, was arrested after he had a "graphic sexual conversation" with a 14-year-old girl. He asked the girl to meet him for a little analcourse, or something. Too bad for him the "girl" was an undercover agent working for the Attorney General's office.

But that's not the good part.
Everett was arrested Tuesday afternoon in Novi where he and the teen were to meet. He was wearing a T-shirt with the words, "Worlds Greatest Dad" on the front, when he was taken into custody.


I'm guessing the World's Greatest Dad board is going to revoke that shirt. A Federal Bikini Inspector shirt is probably more Danny's speed.

McCain Told A Rape Joke

22 years ago. Which is...a lot of years. It's about 1/10 the amount of time he has been alive, or something.
Did you hear the one about the woman who is attacked on the street by a gorilla, beaten senseless, raped repeatedly and left to die? When she finally regains consciousness and tries to speak, her doctor leans over to hear her sigh contently and to feebly ask, ‘Where is that marvelous ape?’

The 80s were a different time. Rape jokes were totally fashionable. Right? No? This won't cost McCain votes because any woman planning to vote for McCain already hates herself.

Oh, and I'm not sure what the funny part of the joke is. If someone wants to explain it, that would be great.

Sock Puppet No Mas

Hmmm. What could possibly be wrong with this little guy? The company that makes the Obama Sock Puppet has stopped production.



He's so cute! He's just a little, tiny Obama sock puppet that looks like a monkey. Damn PCers and their "Obama shouldn't be portrayed as a monkey" fascism.

Feel free to tell us what toys are "okay" liberal fascists.

What Are You Doing To Conserve Water?



It's called conservation. You might want to look into it sometime.

Worst Political Site in The History of Eyeballs

Prepare yourself before clicking on the link.

Oh. My. God.

I told you.

Bestest Billboard Ever

Some bad ass down in Florida paid for a billboard out of his own pocket in order to save America. I think it's a pretty sweet gesture.



"Businessman" Mike Meehan paid for the billboard and he's a proud American. On his website, he further explains the problems holding America back.

The Democrat secular progressive move, political correctness is killing us too. They want to take the money from the hard working man, and give it to the lazy folks that don't give a damn.

Hmmm. "Lazy folks." Wonder who that could be...

Hello Peso!

The dollar hit a new low! This is so exciting!
The dollar declined to a record low against the euro on speculation Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke and Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson will say credit- market losses are hurting U.S. economic growth.

Apparently, everyone is worried that our two largest home mortgage lenders, Fannie Mae and Freddi Mac, are essentially bankrupt. It's weird what happens when you run your business like a 3 year old, isn't it?

Jul 14, 2008

False Obama Smear Email Lands In My Inbox

This is exactly what it looks like:

ByMAUREEN DOWD
Published: June 29, 2008


Go to Columnist Page
OBAMAS TROUBLING INTERNET FUND RAISING

Certainly the most interesting and potentially devastating phone call I have received during this election cycle came this week from one of the Obamas campaign internet geeks. These are the staffers who devised Obamas internet fund raising campaign which raised in the neighborhood of $200 million so far. That is more then twice the total funds raised by any candidate in history and this was all from the internet campaign.
What I learned from this insider was shocking but I guess we shouldnt be surprised that when it comes to fund raising there simply are no rules that cant be broken and no ethics that prevail.
Obamas internet campaign started out innocently enough with basic e-mail networking , lists saved from previous party campaigns and from supporters who visited any of the Obama campaign web sites.
Small contributions came in from these sources and the internet campaign staff were more than pleased by the results.
Then, about two months into the campaign the daily contribution intake multiplied. Where was it coming from? One of the web site security monitors began to notice the bulk of the contributions were clearly coming in from overseas internet service providers and at the rate and frequency of transmission it was clear these donations were programmed by a very sophisticated user.
While the security people were not able to track most of the sources due to firewalls and other blocking devices put on these contributions they were able to collate the number of contributions that were coming in seemingly from individuals but the funds were from only a few credit card accounts and bank electronic funds transfers. The internet service providers (ISP) they were able to trace were fromSaudi Arabia,Iran, and other Middle Eastern countries. One of the banks used for fund transfers was also located inSaudi Arabia.
Another concentrated group of donations was traced to a Chinese ISP with a similar pattern of limited credit card charges.
It became clear that these donations were very likely coming from sources other than American voters. This was discussed at length within the campaign and the decision was made that none of these donations violated campaign financing laws.
It was also decided that it was not the responsibility of the campaign to audit these millions of contributions as to the actual source (specific credit card number or bank transfer account numbers) to insure that none of these internet contributors exceeded the legal maximum donation on a cumulative basis of many small donations. They also found the record keeping was not complete enough to do it anyway.
This is a shocking revelation.
We have been concerned about the legality of bundling contributions after the recent exposure of illegal bundlers but now it appears we may have an even greater problem.
I guess we should have been somewhat suspicious when the numbers started to come out. We were told (no proof offered) that the Obama internet contributions were from $10.00 to $25.00 or so.
If the $200,000,000 is right, and the average contribution was $15.00, that would mean over 13 million individuals made contributions? That would also be 13 million contributions would need to be processed. How did all that happen?
I believe the Obama campaigns internet fund raising needs a serious, in depth investigation and audit. It also appears the whole question of internet fund raising needs investigation by the legislature and perhaps new laws to insure it complies not only with the letter of these laws but the spirit as well.


That email just came to me from your average American. He is a relative. He's not dumb, in fact, he's a lawyer. He could easily vote Republican or Democrat. He COULD NOT BELIEVE what he had just read. It was being forwarded around the internet. And it's entirely false. All I had to do was go to Dowd's columns and check the date. Sure enough, she wrote a different column on that day.

Of course, it's an amazingly stupid email, yet people believe it. This is why the New Yorker cover is such a problem. The right wing machine will write up their own article to go along with the cover. It will be just long enough to read in a quick email. Hearts will beat faster and the "article" will spread.